A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love spending time with my boyfriend, and when I'm in a good mood (which I usually am) I am very happy with him.Lately however, I've been really stressed, sick, and having a lot of depressed/feeling down issues. I've told him I find it hard to tell him about my problems, because I am private by nature, and he's told me he will listen when I need it.I have confided in him recently, what exactly is happening to me, and he has only thanked me for telling him and offered a few other words of understanding. He doesn't ask how I'm doing if I dont mention it.I find myself getting angry and depressed that he doesn't seem care or understand how much I need his support. I've told him I needed him in the past, but he doesnt seem to translate that into putting effort into making me feel better at the moment, no matter how many hints I give.The relationship is LDR. I understand that puts pressure on him to show his affection through words, and I know guys arnt the best at that.How do I tell him about this? I'm his first girlfriend, and I like him a lot, but he doesnt seem in sync with picking up on peoples emotional needs at all.Is there some way I could explain this to him without hurting his feelings? I've mentioned it a bit before, and he ended feeling like he didn't measure up.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Examine your expectations of him. What do you expect him to do? Be specific and write it downSince the relationship is LD, there is only so much he can do. He probably TRUSTS you to open up to him if you need to, but you seem like you are looking for attention/response that he simply is not aware of or can not provide.Your feelings are really your responsibility and if they need to be addressed-seek out a professional. He is your bf, not your counselor.If you feel that he really needs to STEP UP as a bf with his "caring" let him know specifically what you want/need (and know the difference between your MUST HAVES and NICE TO HAVES in a relationship!)Keep in mind that you may be puttting too much pressure on him and making him feel inadequate. Lighten up then.If he is a good bf otherwise, go lean on family or freinds for venting/emotional support. Consider talking to your Doctor if it just a "seasonal" depression or something more chronic.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I have learnt not to depend to heavily on my bfs to meet emotional needs, I'm 38 now and all the men I have had in my life have struggled with it. A few people have mentioned trying to 'teach' him to do it. Good luck with that.
I call friends who can meet my emotional needs instead.
Men just aint cut out for it sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl you need to teach him...
tell him
I feel such and such
when I feel such and such I need you to say/do such and such
and then I'll feel better...
and add
this is not about you not being good enough
it's about you learning what I NEED... everyone is different and i'm just trying to get my needs met.
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A
male
reader, Mav3R!K  +, writes (7 June 2011):
First off, I want to say sorry about your problem(s).
I am currently in an extremely similair situation as your boyfriend, although, it is not LD. But I battle to comfort my Girlfriend when she goes into depression.
I would suggest that you try to fully explain what the problem(s) are. Try make him understand why you are feeling that way.
I know personally how he feels 'useless' and 'not measuring up'. But he will feel that way, but he must deal with it, he must try harder, then he will not feel that way.
I really hope this helps.
All the best
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I'm afraid, since it doesn't come natural to him, you need to teach him how to comfort you. That means you have to say it to him directly, say exactly what it is you need.
Some men have such a difficult time with this and I don't understand why. So I completely understand your frustrations! It is as simple as asking how you're doing, or giving a hug. While long distance, he can do other things, but you have to be the one to tell him what.
Try to tell him when you are feeling ok, what it is you need when you're sad. When you're sad, perhaps write down what you wish he'd do, what you feel would help you right there and then.
Try to not expect too much though. Unfortunately this is something that will take time! Try to go to him for comfort over smaller things first, things where it isn't crucial that he shows that he's there for you. Then if he's successful at comforting you with these smaller issues, you can bring the heavier ones to the table little by little.
If he hasn't dealt with similar things before, he doesn't know what to do, simple as that. Doesn't mean he doesn't care, or is uninterested. Just means he hasn't learned how to comfort, and hasn't learned what sort of comfort to give for separate types of issues. He lacks the experience, his horizon isn't wide enough. He hasn't been needed in this way before. And there is nothing to do but either let him try to figure it out himself, or tell him what to do.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 You nailed it boys are not good at expressing themselves with words. We males are very inadequate at verbal comunication. It's just the way we are. Why not ask him to write you a letter?
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