A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I would be very greatful of some help please, this problem has dragged on in my mind for far too long and I'm becoming more and more depressed in my relationship that I'm not sure if it's worth continuing it anymore. I've been with my partner for about three and a half years now, he is my first and only, but ten years older than myself, and has therefore had several one night stands and numerous girlfriends before me. I was 19 when we first got together, and just took his behaviour and comments as they came and didn't read too much into them even though they upset me, because I simply didn't have experience, and didn't know what was normal to bring up in relationships.At the begginning of our relationship, he would bring up out of nowhere, on a regular basis, comments about how attractive his ex's were. He'd talk about them, sometimes make comments about their physicality, like how big their breasts were, whilst in the meantime making casual jokes about how small mine were. This over time lead me to develop a major insecurity about my breasts, to the point were I cannot bring myself to taking my bra off during sex. My sex drive that was once extremelly high, is now near none existent. I used to be confident in the way I looked, and now I feel ashamed and unhappy with my body apperance.He would talk about one of hs ex girlfriends in particular more than the others, although he mentioned that it was the shortest of his relationships merely lasting a few weeks. He even said that she broke up with him and she was nasty and shallow. Yet still, continuous comments, and his facial gestures whilst talking of her would appear very smug and somewhat aroused. After a while I started to feel that the fact he was even thinking of them still, he couldn't be over his past and I didn't feel like he appreciated me at all. I am no supermodel with a hollywood body, but I often get male attention and compliments when out, I didn't understand why his ex's were on his mind at all. I won't go into how we got on to the conversation of masturbation, but on topic, he once told me that when he masturbated he had a flash of memories of all the people he'd slept with in the past, he said that he'd think of all sorts of things including ex girlfriends. When I got upset about this, he got defensive and told me it was normal and if I was his age I'd understand. On numerous occasions, I'd notice he'd been looking at hundreds of pictures of differnt ex's on facebook. I found this unsettling and told him so.This was becoming too much for me to take in so we broke up for a while after I emotionally broke down and told him I couldn't take it anymore. After a couple of months, he told me how much he'd though of everthing he's done and said, and how sorry he was. He told me that he never meant it and he didn't know what he was talking about. Obviously thins was quite hard for me to just accept and believe that he didn't mean it, in my eyes he's just thought out loud and then regretted it.But still, we gave it another shot, and were on and off every now and then until we managed to work things out a bit smoother. He even deleted his ex's off his facebook which I hadn't asked him to do. Everthing seemed to be on a better track. I started to build up more confidence during sex again, and forget about the past conversations and comments made.Until.. last a couple of months ago. He's on facebook, and he shown me a picture of his friends child. I look, then sit back down. After a while, I notice he's taking a long pause looking at the screen at pictures of a girl, not realising I am watching him do so. I keep my nose out of it, and try not to let paranoia get the better of me. Then again, he's on facebook, scanning through things at quick speed, then the pause, and squinting at more pictures again, at from the distance I was at, seemed to be of the same girl. This kept going on until I got paranoid and while hw left the room I looked at her. And surprise surprise, the ex he used to fantasise out loud about.Well my heart sank, when he said he'd deleted all his ex's of facebook, he didn't mentioned that he kept one in particular. But what made it worse is that she's recently become single, and I wonder if he still thinks of her like that. Why would he keep looking at every single word she writes, every picture, every detail all the time. It's upset me so much, after thinking that was all over with, I feel unsure and stupid. I was even on a shopping website the other day, and he pointed to a dress, and said 'don't you have one just like that?' And no, I had no such dress, it was the dress his ex was wearing in one of the pictures I caught him oggling.I'm sorry this has been a long one, I just really don't know what to feel anymore, or do in my situation. I know it's something I have to decide for myself, but I'm wondering if anyone's been in a similar situation at all? I hate the thought that he can't just focus on me and forget his other brief encounters of girlfriends. I am starting to question everything, and I don't even know how I'm supposed to react anymore. Please help me with some advice or opinions on this, thank you in advance.
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bra , breasts, broke up, confidence, depressed, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, one night stand, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I think you have outgrown him, quite simply put.
He will never stop this behavior. This is something he has no notion of even considering changing. He likes all his "dirty" memories. I think it makes him feel.. potent. Honestly, I don't think it's normal.
However, for your own sake, I would consider ending it. I can see how ex's can be brought into a conversation once in a blue moon ( my husband did this when we first got together and I told him that I had no inclination of competing with or being compared to.. any of his ex's. - If that was something he felt a need to do, he could do it in his mind's eye.)
It IS up to you whether you want to continue this, knowing he won't change or move on.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (25 October 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps why he says these things about other ex's is simply to get a reaction out of you. Jealousy, in particular.It seems to be working, doesn't it?What if when he made one of these comments, you had no reaction at all? Perhaps even boredom by you? Don't you think that if there was absolutely no reaction by you, that he would probably stop? Very likely. There would be no point.Maybe, he's trying to see how much you feel towards him by attempting to make you feel insecure and uncomfortable. Thereby proving that you do like or love him very much. Well, it seems to be working, doesn't it? It's an immature way to find out though.And if as you say, he seems to be looking at photos of one of his last ex's more than the others, well then maybe there is some unfinished business there. Especially, if it was fairly recent. And also, if there was an end to it, then you and him went straight into a relationship. He might not have been properly over her yet.The main thing is that you don't allow him to take you for granted or mistreat you in any way.Perhaps you could start going out on your own - without him. See your friends and go out and have fun.This will have much more impact if you are living with him.You can still do it even if you are not living together. You are entitled to your own happiness and freedom.It's up to you. He needs a bit of a shake up.He might be going through the start of a mid life crisis. And if this is it, well then it's only he who can work things out, about what he really wants from life.
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