A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my boyfriend of a year in a really bad way. I've been honest about it and admitted it. I'd like to work it out and understand he is angry, disgusted and a lot of other things. He says he wants to be with me...BUT he keeps calling me names. I don't think I should have to take the onslaught of name calling if he wants to work it out. I feel it's abusive. I've said we can go to counseling and I understand I broke his trust. I'm in recovery from alcoholism and need to be around as much positive energy as I can.
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female
reader, annette1974  +, writes (17 December 2012):
Wow! Ok; you cheated on him! It happens! I think that maybe you should not have told him; but you felt that it was best and I really have to send a ton of respect to you! That was not an easy thing to do and it shows great character! His reaction is not high on my list though; I have to say! If he can't forgive you then why would he take you back? This seems really odd to me! He is trying to punish you and he clearly has not forgiven you and will not for a while! You obviously feel guilty about what you did; but ask yourself something; why did you cheat? It's never one person's fault when someone cheats! Ok; you shouldn't have done it! I never condone cheating; BUT there are many reasons behind why someone cheats! Men can sleep with someone they do not love much easier then women can; but women tend to have emotional affairs that are not just sex based! What was happening in the dynamics of your relationship for you to seek comfort elsewhere? If this guy you are with is reacting to you this way now; this tells me that he is emotionally lacking in other departments! Honestly; he sounds like an immature jerk and have you thought that maybe you cheating was the result of you not finding true happiness in your relationship with him? If he needed time to get over feeling hurt; then he should have take it! You were initially wrong; but now he is a whole bunch of wrong and it just keeps continuing on and on! Do you feel so bad about yourself that you would continue to put up with his blatant abuse? You do not deserve this and this just is not correct in any way shape or form! Save yourself the heart ache and go find someone that you can have a clean slate with and you do not have to tell another soul about this entire ordeal! No one needs to know your past relationship mistakes and honestly; the next guy wont want to hear it anyway! Free yourself and go be happy with a nice guy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Its not a good idea to stay together after you cheated on him. He can never trust you again. He should have broken up with you. Maybe he is just too afraid of being alone. Or maybe he wants to get revenge on you. Either way his decision to stay with you was a bad one. He clearly cannot forgive you and no one can blame him since you betrayed him. Its best that you two break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Thank you all for your input, it is helpful. I know if I stay with him and he keeps calling me names and acting like he is it will drive me away eventually anyway. So it's probably best if we "take some time" and both work on ourselves and become healthier. Two sick people don't make for a good life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Although your boyfriend says he has forgiven you, he clearly hasn't. Forgiveness isn't that easy and you need to be a really mature person to be able to truly forgive someone who has hurt you. In your case, he is abusing you and he has no right to do so because he chose to be with you despite your actions. You need to make one thing very clear to him. Either he accepts you as you are and stops his abuse or he breaks up with you. Counseling might help but only if your boyfriend decides to put in the effort himself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2012):
Just because you were honest about it and YOU want to work it out doesn't mean he doesn't have a right to feel pissed off, hurt and betrayed.... HOWEVER.... IF HE wants to work through this he needs to figure out a way to move past it with him turning into a total ass.
Forgiveness and rebuilding of trust doesn't take days or weeks - it takes YEARS some times.
You did the right thing in stepping up and admitting it, but I think you are completely unrealistic if you think he can just say OK, and sweep it under the rug.
His reaction may not be OK for either of you, and maybe that means there isn't something here to salvage.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 It is abusive. He's understandably hurt and angry, but that doesn't give him a free pass to abuse anyone. Forgiveness requires effort and if he's not willing to make that effort then it's best you both part ways.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 The way it has to work is that either he has to make the decision to forgive you, or you two need to break up. If he makes the decision to forgive, that means no punishing or abusive behavior. If he wants it might be worth trying the counseling for a short while to see if things improve, but if they don't you need to accept that you hurt him and he won't trust you again and find someone new.
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