A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok so my bofriend and i have been having some sexual issues. He has recently put on some weight and feels fat. He used to try and start on me by turning me on first but now he wont have sex with me unless i start wich is very annoying becuse sometimes i want him to come onto me..also once i start turning him on i ALWAYS have to first suck his dick then ride him till he gets off thats always how it goes nothing for me he wont get on top he dosnet do anything just lays there like a blob...ive talked to him about it and he says hes fat and doesnt want to anything but how fair is that for me to do all the work..now i am having thoughts about other guys and i no thats not good. what should i do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): :(
Care and tact are of the essence here... You need to impress upon him how much you love him and that you are obviously still physically attracted to him and want to continue with your physical intimacy... It's more in his head than anything. It seems he's feeling a bit sensitive about it, less self- esteem... it's important you let him know how great of a guy you think he is and how sweet he looks!
Do more active physical activities together... plan outdoor excursions... hike/bike somewhere for a picnic? indoor rocklimb? go swimming!.. working up some sweat is healthy for both of you, will bring you closer, and most likely lead to sexy time after (it's hot watching a guy doing or pull- ups or something, I think a guy would enjoy being your indoor rockclimbing anchor/spotter, generally gyms have saunas, generally you take a hot tub dip after a swim, oftentimes picnics can be located in rather secluded scenic spots..... and to cap off all that, more exercise for both.. catchmahdrift).
Also, plan more dates at, say, contemporary organic- type restaurants, Greek and Mediterranean, other ethnic... generally there are lots of healthy food choices to be made at such places (also, very caloric ones, but make a point to mix it up a lot so you don't start crutching on the same orders over and over again; usually, you start to have to eat more of them to feel as satisfied as the first time you tried them).
Also, surprising him with dinner or cooking together might aid you both in keeping healthy and fit- looking. I wouldn't tell him he needs to change his diet, or his exercise habits. Show him how much you care about keeping fit yourself, and it has a chance to rub off on him a bit... couples, especially when they live together, have to have lifestyles that align a bit... their principles/philosophies may be a bit different.. but there has to be respect and support on either side for each.
Guys like compliments. They accept them readily, generally, which differs from females. Tell him BLUNTLY what you love about his body and style and superficial things like that in general. Be as crass as you like! It won't offend! Surprise! If he looks good, tell him tell him. Lots of guys don't get how attractive they are; they rate themselves based on how they perceive others (the ones They are attracted to) to be rating them, or how they think they size up to other men they think are considered more ideal physically, or who have in life (socially or otherwise)) what they would themselves want (i.e. he must have more than me to be dating a chick like that..) Of course, they are usually very mistaken.
If he still stays unmoving and barely reactive in bed, you'll have to go to extremes or something... drag him around... toy with him... tease him mercilessly. Do things he's maybe a bit uncomfortable with to get Something out of him... (I hope he's the type who prefers to be dominant in bed, because if You switch gears and become exceedingly forcefully Ms. Dominatrix lady, his dislike of that sort of situation will get him back at the wheeeeeel. If he's some extreme of something, do the other extreme.)
But, if he seems really low confidence and not him self and depressed about this...
You can dim the lights, if what is putting him off is that he dislikes his look visually;, that he's shy and doesn't want to be seen or doesn't want to see himself... but if it's more internal, like he doesn't like how his body Feels, or he's doesn't like feeling weighed down and less free, or Something... then just be Miss Loving Girlfriend and be nice and sweet and gentle... hopefully you two will connect more outside the bedroom in the ways I suggested and that will up his confidence, seeing you enjoy your time spent with him so. :) If you are excited to be with him outside, he must start to get how excited you are with him inside.
But DO TELL Him how he Really looks (even touch and point your favorite things out when he's clothes- free to accompany your comments). Your compliments are genuine, so your appreciation will naturally register in your facial expression, and the sight of that further ease his mind.
Remember- OBVIOUSNESS!!
-Tante V
A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 its just an excuse and it'll be one you'll be hearing time and time again unless you put a stop to it now.. there are many ways in which he can participate that doesnt involve 'much' work although it takes 2 to tango, and i wouldn't be too long in letting him know that...
its amazing how he can actually just sit there and do all the work and not even thank you by doing a bit for you. Tell him that your unhappy with his 'participation' and ask him is this the direction your relationship is heading??
Maybe he does genuinely feel unconfident because he has put on weight and might not feel comfortable in positions which show too much of his body.. however there are ways around that i.e lose a bit of weight..
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 December 2010):
Tell him that if he feels fat that he should either do something about it or accept how he has become. Tell him you will support him whichever way he chooses but that it is not fair of him to be miserable when he doesn't plan on doing something about the cause. His choice. If his attitude doesn't improve, leave him because then he'll become one of those complainers who are all talking the talk but not walking the walk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): if you're fancy enough, you should make him understand that all you're offering him is not free.
any couple is worth both element's efforts, otherwise it's pointless.
make him understand that if he loves you he's got to deserve you, as much as you're doing all your best efforts to have him love you.
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