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female
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anonymous
writes: I’ve always been led to believe that teasing is one of the ways a guy will show you he likes you, but tonight my boyfriend was teasing me so much I almost ended up in tears. I would have called it borderline bullying. I have been feeling a little under the weather so I may be ultra sensitive at the moment. I was talking to him about how I helped someone who was in trouble. I thought he would be proud of me but instead my boyfriend wouldn’t let me finish what I was telling him and told me that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. My boyfriend said he would have laughed. He was rude and seemed cruel.Anyway, my boyfriend was intent on winding me up and trying to provoke me. He was smiling and grinning when he did it and he has said to me before not to take what he says seriously. Most of the time I can take it which really annoys him I think but I had to stay in another room while I tried not to cry. I think he realised he had gone too far and kept asking me why I was in another room. I wasn’t sure if I should have let him known that he upset me because I didn’t want him to think he had won and I had also read that you shouldn’t let the person who does this see you are hurt.He has always said the last thing he wants to do is upset me or annoy me and yet he wanted to do just that. He’s always had a warped sense of humour. His whole family tease each other visciously at times but they seem to be able to take it.I think his self esteem is the lowest of anyone I met. He was told he would never amount to anything. He was hurting really badly after breaking up with his ex of 5 years who cheated on him. When we got together he did warn me that he might ‘freak out’ and that I should bear with him because he has never been treated well by a girl before. I wonder if this was a case of him ‘freaking out’. I think he probably doesn’t realise how far he had gone, but alternatively could he be pushing things because he fears being hurt again?My friend has just got married to a guy who teases her mercilessly and I wonder how she puts up with it yet they were together for 9 years before they got married and they are deeply in love.I can be really sensitive so is it me? Am I taking it all too seriously? I just want to understand why he wanted to anger me because I can’t get my head around why you would want to see how far you can push the one you supposedly love!!!!We have only been together 4 weeks so is this teething problems, setting boundaries, or a sign of something more serious?
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his ex, self esteem, teasing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, JustMeINFJ  +, writes (12 April 2009):
You seem to be a sensitive person. Sensitivity is not a personality flaw. You need to be with someone who appreciates your sensitivity. Such a person would never make you question yourself.Also, you seem to be giving your BF the benefit of the doubt. Don't do that. You FELT hurt and therefore you WERE hurt. He hurt you. If you allow others to hurt you, you risk surrounding yourself with people who do. Then it will be difficult to see the good people (there are many, many in this world).You are not taking this too seriously. Don't feel sorry for him for his failed relationships. There are reasons relationships fail. It seems likely your BF treated others this way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): ohhh girrl! i am going through the same damn thing! My boyfriend has been making fun of me all the time.. I tell him to stop and he doesnt listen... all he can do is say it was a joke and make a stupid, fake ass apology... im sick of it and im not sure what to do about it.. but im just lettin ya know im feelin ya!
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A
male
reader, Don_Navarro  +, writes (11 October 2006):
 Sounds like you're really hurt by this. I had a friend who used to do this all the time, he was simply a joker-type person (a lot of the time this is a strategy employed by such people to cover up their own self-esteem issues, ahhm just what you said lol). Communicating with him is the best answer. He may be unaware he's hurting you. I'm sure he loves you very much and that would be the last thing on his mind. Just let him know, but you DO deserve to be treated with more respect.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2006): If it upset or upsets you then hes gone too far regardless if the rest of his family carries on in this manner that is no excuse.You say youve only been together 4 weeks !!! You should be happy and loved up and not be feeling so low regardless if you think or you love him.Me and my partner has been together more or less a year now and not once have we been personal towards each other we give each other a bit of banter now and again but we know its only in jest and never get to the point where it gets personal and hurtful.
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male
reader, Don_Navarro +, writes (11 October 2006):
Why are you going out with him if he teases you? Is that what attracted you to him in the first place!? Why aren't girls attracted to guys that treat them well for christ's sake!?!
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 October 2006):
I know exactly how you feel. And I have seen so many people in this situation and there are sooo many people like you're bf and so many people like you.
Everyone has the right to feel comfortable in their relationship and clearly you aren't feeling comfortable with you're bf currently.
Now, I could say that its just you being sensitive, because some people who might not be so sensitive may be able to take his jokes, but that won't help. What I have learnt from the past is that, if you're a sensitive person then you won't suddenly change. So either his behaviour has to change (ie his teasing stop) or this relationship is ended.
And I really think it shouldnt be called teasing, because teasing is a joke and when the other person isn't laughing back, it then crosses the line to be a form of bullying.
I can't tell you if he does this on purpose to hurt you and why he does it, only him himself can tell you that, but what I do know is that a lot of insensitive people wil warped senses of humour continue to do it even on people they know are very sensitive.
My advice to you would be to seriously tell him how you feel and say that you WILL NOT put up with his so called jokes. If he continues to defend himself with saying that he didn't mean to hurt you then tell him 'ok but since you know it hurts me, don't do it again'. If he continues then he really isnt the person for you to be seeing I don't think.
I have a friend who seems a lot like you're bf and her family is a lot like what his seem like. In my opinion the only way those people will change their way they treat others is by seeing a counsellor. They have issues that need to be resolved.
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male
reader, jack23 +, writes (11 October 2006):
 Ok, the reason he is now treating you like this is for two reasons:
1, he craves you attension. He is getting more of an reaction from you by talking to you like this, even tho it has brought you to tears it upsets you, which gives him the perfect excuse to get close to you and comfort you. Which is what he really wants.
2, because he is not getting the attension he wants he is starting to believe that its maybe a repeat of his past, and that its about to go down hill, and treating you like this is just a subconcious way he is dealing with it. If things were to mess up hes making himself believe that he doesnt feel that much for you out of fear of losing you.
I would suggest trying to give him more attension and maybe being more enthuiastic bout what he talks to you about and what he has interest in.
Additionally give him a wake up call! Tell him that when he talks to you in that way that it upsets you, and leads you to believe that he really doesnt care, which pushes you to consider spliting up. This should get him to treat you better.
Hope this helps :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2006): So he's treating you like crap and you wonder if you should stick around?
I treated (and still do treat) my GF/fiancee and now wife, with respect, care and love. Because that's what she deserves and what I want in return.
Anything less from anyone, doesn't deserve your time. Drop him now! You (and everyone) deserves only the best. Never settle.
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female
reader, lilmzmoffett +, writes (11 October 2006):
 My husband and I were together for 10 months before we got married. And the only reason we did is because I fell pregnant and felt it was the right thing to do. Now we have been together for 3 years and his constant bickering about my weight, appearance and other little things drives me nuts. My mum tells me this all the time: " there is definately someone out there who will treat you better than what you man does" I always ask myself why would he push me to tears if he loves me. And my answer is that he feels insecure about himself. He believes no other man would want me but he is wrong. Ive had men try and pick me up with lines and things like that so I am wanted, what im trying to put to you is, you can do better. If its only been four weeks and he is already bullying, bugger him of. It started for me after we got married and now I wish I didnt marry him. because its easier to leave.
Act now, because if you want too long, your self esteem like mine will fade and it will be harder to leave because he will make you think that no other man wants you when that is totally untrue!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2006):
Women (but maybe not you) complain about how their bf doesn't talk to them like one of the guys, but when they do this is what happens!
This is how guys talk to each other. If it s too much, fine but this is one level communication takes place at.
Dont complain about him sharing stuff with his buddies that you dont know about.
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male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (10 October 2006):
 You cant blame his low self esteem for the way he treated you hun, from what I read, I would class it as bullying. He should have realised he had take it too far when he saw you becoming upset. I have suffered with low self esteem since I was a child, yet have never even disrespected a female in any way, let alone resorted to bullying.
I am madly in love and would not even think about deliberately angering her, let alone forcing her into tears.
I think you are seeing danger signs very early on in the relationship, which can be used to your advantage. I would begin to question his feelings for you, because nobody 'in love' would deliberately upset their partner in this way.
I think YOU should be the one to set the boundaries and stand firm on them. If he feels that he is allowed to treat you in this way, things will get worse and more extreme. I can actually sense the possibility of domestic violence in this relationship. The warning signs are there, you have seen them. Only you can decide the next step you must take.
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