A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I am 22, he is 29 and this is his first real relationship, I am basically his first real love. When we first got together I was going through some medical issues and couldn't have sex for the first 2 weeks we were together. The day my Dr. said it was okay to have sex again I brought over condoms but, he had gone out and got his frenum pierced- which didn't allow for him to have any sort of physical anything for another 6 mo. No saliva, sex, or even masturbation. I didn't say anything because it wasn't a big deal to me and let him know that I'd be more than happy to wait the 6mo with him. During that 6mo occasionally I would flirt with him, rarely but sometimes I would send a picture or two, or say things to him to make sure he didn't feel bad to let him know i was still interested and to build a little anticipation and he would always respond back positively. once or twice we talked about the things we were into and what was a turn on and things like that. So 6mo comes and goes, then it's 8mo, then 9. So I decided to talk to him about it one day and he said he didn't want to have sex yet because he wanted our first time to be special and he was worried our relationship would be JUST about sex. I understood and proceeded to try and plan dates, or nights when it would just be me and him so that we could really dedicate time to each other and build what would be a "special relationship"- he said he wanted special. He always manages to get out of dates with me. Either he tells people they can come over in the middle of our date or Every time I try to plan a night- he has to check with his friends first or uses our room mate as an excuse "but he's home, we can't just go out and leave him here. I gotta have guys time." So I decide to talk to him about it again and got the same answer. We had only made out once in 9mo and that's it so I was worried he just wasn't interested but it would be easier to know and move on. I asked him and he responded with "why does it matter if I am or not? I don't care if anyone else is attracted to ME" I asked him about the not kissing me thing and get "I don't even kiss my friends or my grandmother let alone hug them." "Why is everything about sex with you?" "why cant you just hang out?"So we got into the conversation of blow jobs- and i decided one day to jump him while he was in the shower and please him. This worked out great. Over the next few months I would surprise him sometimes and before he would get up for work I would and give him a blow job, or I would jump him on the couch- it wasn't an every day thing but about once a week once every two weeks and then he started to push me away again and start fights when I would ask him what techniques did he like and try to find better ways to please him even more. I know that he looks at porn and he is signed up to websites that he has videos on. And that has never bothered me. I understand and agree with the difference between porn, sex, and love in a relationship. And however people need to explore their porn aspect is all personal preference. But he started leaving out his usb Video Camera all the time. At first that didn't bother me either, but it is starting to disgust me a year and a half later, and a move across the country with and for him.I have talked to him about that too. I caught him looking at porn one day in the same room as me with the laptop turned away from me. I didn't get mad or start a fight. He asked me to look at a picture he found on google saw he had a porn site minimized hiding it and I just asked what he was into watching, and mentioned I would be down to watch porn with him or even try the video thing if that's what he was interested in I have always been open to new things and he blew up at me and told me I was just awkward and it was rude to look at his computer and call him out on it. I haven't brought up sex since before we moved, and recently it was brought up by him and he told me I creep him out because he can tell when I am turned on, even though I don't EVER make a move on him or say anything or act differently, we live together and i dont even sleep in the same bed as him but our scheduled 2 nights a week (when he sleeps on the couch instead those nights) its too smothering. He says I creep him out and gross him out because I want to have sex with him and that he doesn't want to and doesn't understand why it's so important to me. Yet, he goes downstairs sets up his web cam and has cyber sex with other people.He's not a romantic kind of guy, and he has to have EVERY detail planned. He's very anal in that sense so much so that it has gotten to the point where we were out the other night and he was in a bad mood and I said lets just go home, sit on the couch with a few drinks and a movie and have a good night. We went home he sat across the room, didn't say one word and then yelled at me because it wasn't planned previously for that night, so how could it have been a special moment when it was just thrown together like it didn't matter. He still sat there throughout the movie- just wasted the time instead of sitting next to me. all I asked him to do was sit on the couch with me- figuring he was in a bad mood and maybe just relaxing with a movie might help him. So now it seems like I have to plan even sitting on the couch to watch TV with him, when one of his friends will call and say "hey we're leaving in 5 minutes to go an hour and a half away and we'll be gone all day" and he left in the middle of our previously made plans to do that no questions asked. Other than being at the bottom of his list when it comes to his friends, and the no sex thing every time I open my mouth to talk to him about something that is bothering me, he storms off saying I am always awkward and i ruined his day, he calls his friends then leaves. Without ever addressing the issue. Then when he gets home he ignores it and me. I don't really know what to do. HE is a great guy. WE get along fantastically. He is the person who can make me laugh the the hardest even in the worst of moods. Who can turn my day around in .5 seconds, he is reliable, very responsible and very intelligent. My biggest supporter, and the reason why I am back in school and getting my life together after taking a 4 year break. He's not a jealous person, he gives me my space and alone time, he doesnt question me, or go through my stuff, he sends me out to go have fun and drink with my friends and doesnt harass me all night or txt me once but to see if i can get home safely. He understands the age difference and different interests. He just has such huge walls when it comes to the relationship- emotionally damaged. Flirting isn't okay, the title girlfriend seems to come with the "psycho" assumption and I can definitely tell you I am a damn good girlfriend, i do everything for him, I'm an open book and nothing really bothers me (except for constant bad moods) but more of just interests me. I am VERY much a live and let live kind of person, what will happen will and I can't control that so why make it worse? How do I go about this situation? The porn, the cyber sex, the emotional issues? I need help approaching the situation, letting him know that whatever happened wasn't me, its okay to not hold it against me. Open up. To help him be comfortable when we have dates or are just hanging out, to help our relationship grow in a more healthy way. I'm confused at what he wants.I should mention too that I am a straight forward kind of person, so sometimes I come on too honest too strong right off the bat so I'm having issues with how to make it easier for him to listen and understand.
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I guess there's a reason why he never had a relationship until 29.
It's true some people just aren't spontaneous at all and need a lot of space. I'm kind of similar and have often thought that living in separate but adjacent houses/apartments would be the best arrangement for such a couple. You could be together when you wanted and apart when it got to be smothering. You wouldn't be in each other's faces constantly which is one big reason for breakups ("familiarity breeds contempt"). You'd each have your own space.
You describe yourself as a very straightforward person who sometimes comes off too honest and strong. Maybe pull back a little on the initiating. Don't be extending yourself to him ALL the time. Say things with a little more tact. Plan and schedule things you want to do with him -- even sexual ones -- days in advance. Realize he needs a lot of time and space to himself. Respect his privacy.
You may be too accepting of the cybersex though. Watching porn is one thing... but webcamming is interacting with and exposing yourself to strangers. This is probably a habit he developed from all his years of solitude and is hard to break. But it is incompatible with a committed, monogamous relationship. Make it clear that if he wants a relationship in the real world, there are certain things he (and everyone else) necessarily must give up. Having virtual sex with strangers is one of them.
He doesn't seem to want to commit himself fully to you. It's more of a half-relationship and that is enough for him. He gives you just half his time, half his attention, and half his love, reserving the rest for himself and his virtual girlfriends. Unless this changes, you may get to the point where you decide he is just not ready for a real relationship with anyone. If it ever works out between you, it probably will be a very atypical relationship.
P.S. See whether this applies at all:
http://www.9types.com/descr/?type=5&book=palmer3
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 It sounds like you have a man who for whatever reason cannot engage in a sexually intimate way with you. Some of what you've written about him suggests there may be a deep underlying reason for this dysfunction in him. My gut feeling is that he is the victim of sexual abuse and that is why it is so problematic. The piercing of his penis could be an instance of self-mutilation for the purpose of 'reclaiming' his body.
The fact that you are his first relationship and he is aged 29 is an indicator that he has a problem with connecting with women in the ordinary, more common way. It sounds also that you two met on line and then dated long distance. Now that you are there, he still has whatever it is that is keeping him from establishing a 'normal' intimate relationship, just because you love him and he has feelings for you doesn't instantly 'cure' him.
He needs to do the work to figure out why he is the way he is. You can't do it for him, he has to perceive that he has a problem and then take steps to address it.
If I were you, I would let him know in a loving and supportive way that the current situation is not acceptable and that you encourage him to seek help. Give him a reasonable timeframe to try to address this and then if he does not, alas, you will leave. Devoting more time and energy to a man who cannot/will not fulfill your needs for a fully intimate and functional relationship is simply a waste of your time.
Lots of red flags here, the piercing, the porn use, the detachment. Unfortunately, that old saying that 'love conquers all' isn't really true. All the love you bestow on him will not change him. He has to tackle this himself.
Good luck to you.
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