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age
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writes: Hi everybody,I could so do with some sound and serious advice, I feel as if I am going around in a circle about this.I've been with my boyfriend for going on 4 years now. It's long-distance but we see each other as often as possible, at least I fly out to see him as often as I can and as I am self-employed I have reasonable flexibility and can work from wherever I am from my laptop.Over the years it hasn't all been plain sailing for sure, we have had our issues but we have somehow always managed to work them out. We actually both knew each other in college and dated for a while back then, which was around 30 years back but ended up going our own ways and the split was more to do with youth and both of us growing in different directions than for any acrimonius reason. Then we reconnected through the internet and ended up back together. I am 48, he is 50.He has a good heart, is very kind and comes from a family who like me very much. Sometimes though I think I have simply overlooked a lot of the issues and swept them under the carpet..... I remember when we first spent a significant amount of time together, noticing that he seemed to smoke a lot of hash. By a lot, I mean making a joint every other hour, starting around late morning till late at night. On top of this he manages to smoke 20 normal cigarettes a day. He never appears to be stoned and claims he never is... and only seems to put a small amount of actual hash into the cigarette paper. He will frequently sit, like most nights, with his neighbours who smoke it too, well some of them.. they all get together around 10/11 pm and smoke and drink until 2/3 am. Some of these guys don't work, some of them work late shifts. My boyfriend doesn't work so he can pretty much get up when he feels like it. Which is often lunchtime or later.He tells me he doesn't really drink - and he tells his family the same as they hate drinking. They also have no idea he smokes hash/weed etc. But he is drinking every night with these friends, these neighbours, in their apartment, and sometimes this is until 2 am. A few times he has come back from next door and vomited after drinking. One time he had a temporary job for cash starting the next day and he did not go to it because he was drunk the night before. I asked him and he didn't even ring the employer to say he wasn't coming. It is the first time he has had a job since 2004. I was really angry and upset with him because he also doesn't appear to even want to work or look for a job and when I asked him about why he didn't go to the job, he said why should he run after money and ruin his health. One night we were in bed together, we were in the middle of sex, and he heard his neighbour come home. This was around 9 pm. I heard the clanking of beer bottles in the corridor. Now the walls are very thin so I can understand why he might get distracted/put off. He got up and apologised.. and literally 5 minutes later went next door for 4 hours drinking and smoking, came back home drunk and affectionate and expected me to feel affectionate towards him :0/Now only recently I have also discovered a gambling problem - he has asked me for money on many occasions, and I was giving him money a few times when I thought he had nothing to eat, a couple of times he has asked for £50, sometimes more, sometimes £10 here and there, I had thought it was for essentials but then I started to find betting slips for £5 and £10 bets on football accumulators. Every day he bets £5. Every single day. My £10 once disappeared on two £5 bets in one day :0( I recently very gently brought up all my concerns with him and he denies there is any problem. I believe he is actually an alcoholic, he appears to need to drink every night and addicted sadly also to hash and gambling and although I have not used the actual word "addiction", I have said that his habits are harming him and how can it be right to take your partner's money and gamble it away. He also did the same with £100 of his Dad's money which his Dad gave him to help with his living expenses. I also pointed this out to him and he said some very insulting things about his Dad and money, as if he were entitled to keep on receiving it. He made me feel as if I was overreacting and accused me of making a mountain out of a molehill and that he does not have a problem with any addiction. But how can that be true when he preferred a night of drinking to his first potential work in literally years. He became angry and defensive and tried to blame me.. his neighbour.. the area of town he lives in. He said when he gets away and gets a job his life will change and we will have a great life together in our own flat.But how on earth can I trust him now?I notice sometimes if I am not there he emails me to say goodnight, it is 11 pm... he says he is going to bed.. but sometimes I will email him later if I am sitting working late and I see almost every night he is still up at 2 am. I also notice when I we see each other he always stares intensely at other women going by. He also denies he is doing this. Sometimes he flips his head around and I see his eyes tracking women as they go past, for example we can be sitting in a cafe and he will stare and stare.. sometimes I see his eyes flick back to me, I guess to see if I have noticed him.I am at a loss. I don't know what to do and whether I should try to help him - but if he won't acknowledge a problem exists, then he will not do anything about it will he? I care for him very much but after typing all this out I think I already have my answer.Still, I'd appreciate opinions. I feel disrespected in so many ways. I have received one gift from him in 4 years and he would say he has no money, but he always has enough for his bad habits. On one occasion he tried to give me a man's cardigan as a gift! Something he had bought for himself and he didn't like the colour! He seems unwilling to work and I feel all his promises of a rosy future together are bollards.Thank you!
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alcoholic, drunk, gambling, money, neighbour, smokes, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never left feedback on my post. Thanks to everyone for their responses. I ended it, not the first time I've done it and taken him back, but this time it really is for real and no going back. I've never felt so insulted in a relationship in my entire life actually. I asked him about £100 he borrowed from me, which was basically split into £50 one month and £50 several months later. He had the audacity to say I was crazy, imagining things and he had never borrowed this money from me. Well I let rip. All the stored up bad feelings and resentment, I have told him exactly what I think of him and he is shocked. He has called me childish and petty etc. etc. and that I have gone mad. Au contraire of course, I have actually regained my sanity.Although the issues were never entirely about money, money was becoming a real bugbear for me as every time I saw him recently he was asking could he have some. There were of course other problems and not just the ones I named in my original post. I'd say to anyone experiencing abuse of their finances, stop and take a really good long and objective look at what is going on. We can get so blindsided by our feelings of love, care and even responsibility for others that we don't realise we are being used.
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female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (5 January 2014):
If you need some encouragement for breaking up with him, I'm giving it to you. He sounds like he's more of a headache than pleasure, especially in the future when you want to move in and have kids. At this point, is he even being a good friend, to say the least? It's one thing to have an addiction/problem, it's another to deny it like a baby. And he prefers beer to love-making? Well, I can understand that noise can be distracting, but he'd rather hangout with his neighbours than his girlfriend who has come from so far to see him?Break-ups are scary but I'm quite sure you won't miss him much. It's easier in reality than it is in your imagination. I know it's tough out there in the dating world, but it's not too difficult to do better than him.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 January 2014):
 You say you've already worked out the answer after writing this down, which is great, but I wonder whether you'll act on this decision/ epiphany moment.
People who attach themselves to addicts - and can't leave - can be called codependents. I really don't know if you are or not, but there are many resources out there for codependents.
I honestly don't see a rosy future with this chap. It's sounds like you make all the effort, flying out to him, and what do you honestly get out of it? Being single is better than putting up with the things you describe.
You could set him ultimatums regarding work, drink, weed & gambling but he has to make changes to his life by himself, for himself. And in his own time, not yours. These are my observations after a (very brief) relationship with someone who turned out to be a self destructive alcoholic ...
Good luck, all the best to you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 January 2014):
At what point do you decide he's not right for you?
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