A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to make this brief. In a nutshell I have been seeing this guy for over a year, and my son (toddler) and I moved into his house a couple of months ago. Its a big beautiful house, he has only asked I pay a quarter of the mortgage. I am unemployed so I spend my days on the computer looking for a job and managing a small online business that nets me some additional cash along with caring for my son. I cook, do light cleaning and take care of his dog. My days go fast. He works 60 hours then comes home and works an additional 40 on the online business. We split the groceries and anything else we buy and I feel like I am doing my share with what little money I have. He makes 5x's what I make in a month and this money is only for him and his retirement. We want to have a baby together and he wants me to stay home but whenever we argue he throws out the fact I don't work and should do more around the house. He wants me doing outside work now too since he doesn't ask for much rent. My problem with this is that I don't benefit from his money so not working will put me in the poor house if we break up while he has a maid at home. He works too many hours himself but is that my problem and should I just be greatful and pick up the burden of all the cleaning for a house that's not mine so he can make more money for himself? He is now calling me a golddigger for questioning him. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): "Having cheap rent in a nice home isn't worth this. Am I wrong?" You are not wrong at all. Cooking, cleaning and sex? If you were my sister I would tell you to leave this guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): "Having cheap rent in a nice home isn't worth this."
You are 100 percent right! You would be better off living on your own in a smaller home/apartment and being happy without someone harassing you and so on. Who needs that? Relationships are supposed to be about being happy, sharing love and being supportive to each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): "My problem with this is that I don't benefit from his money so not working will put me in the poor house if we break up while he has a maid at home."
This is true. You need to think about your financial future and that of your child. You should not be paying any of the mortgage if you're not going to benefit in any way from that long term. Rent, yes, but a large portion of the mortgage no. Calling you a gold digger is a sign that he does not love you and that he is truly abusive. As is expecting you to be his maid and caretaker, to have a child with him and NOT to be treated as a full partner who would share in finances and a retirement.
You need to get a better job and move on.
He is looking for someone to abuse whom he has financial power over. He wouldn't be able to do any of this with a partner who had equal financial power. If a relationship is going to be mostly about a financial arrangement, then it had better benefit you also.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): "this money is only for him and his retirement" "He works too many hours " Around Christmas 2010 a man passed away unexpectedly with less than 3 years to go to retirement and just over $2m in retirement investments. This man valued money over interpersonal relationships. He was not married and was estranged from his only child. From what you describe, this man you live with could also value financial wealth over interpersonal relationships. It has been my experience that it's good to know this about someone and not get too close because I have not known someone like this to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I need to clarify to some of you guys. I pay a fraction of house costs and stay home, cooking and cleaning. He works 60 hours and keeps his money while I'm unemployed still splitting meals 50/50. He has retirement money, I do not. He wants me to stay home so that I can see him yet insults me and says I do not do enough. I want to work but we get into an argument. I just want to feel appreciated but he says he can take care of my son, clean the house and still have time leftover. Having cheap rent in a nice home isn't worth this. Am I wrong?
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male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (5 March 2011):
 So from what I understand he is the provider and wants you to be the housewife. I don't see anything wrong with that, to be honest, But!: Is there love in this relationship or is it just a business deal? If he loves you and likes being the provider and you on the other hand, love him back and you enjoy having your house nice and clean and cook homemade meals for the ones you love and you enjoy taking care of the dogs, it's just marvelous! But if you are both in this relationship, each for your own selfish reasons then you have a recepie for dissaster! Best wishes to do the right thing...
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (5 March 2011):
Calling you a gold-digger is an easy insult he can throw out at you to make you feel small. I think it can be quite a cruel thing to say. I would suggest that if you are worried about your future, and don't like the idea of being his maid as you put it, then you should move out until the pair of you can decide what you want out of the relationship. If you have a baby together do you plan to get married? That again changes the financial situation in a big way.I appreciate that you say you don't benefit from his money, but surely you can see that from his point of view you are benefiting in that you are getting to live in his house paying only a minimal contribution. I would argue that this is benefiting you in quite a considerable way.If you don't want to live in his house then I would suggest getting your own place. Then you will not feel like a maid. I don't really understand why you resent doing stuff around the house seeing as you live there as well, because surely wherever you live you will need to do chores to keep it clean, and as you live in this house with your child then surely it's in both your and your child's interests to keep it nice. I can't see this situation changing unless 1)the pair of you get married, 2) you get a job and make bigger contributions so that your bf doesn't feel like the sole provider, 3)one of you changes your outlook on the situation, or 4) as I suggested, move out.You don't seem to say anything really positive about your bf, so I am wondering why you want to live in his house in the first place?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 March 2011):
That's the problem with having a bf who is at a whole different category financially.
If you see a future with him, (and seeing that you want to have a child together, you do) you two should stop talking about you & me, and use "us" instead.
I would really talk it out and get your expectations and doubts onto the table. From his POV, he's putting in a lot of work, letting you live in his beautiful home without charging you a lot. Also, you do not have to work as hard as he does. From your POV, you do not benifit from the money he makes and if it ends you're still stuck with nothing. So talk it out and compensate.
An idea would be to agree to the gardening until you find a job. Right now, all you're doing is cleaning the house (takes 2 hours tops if you keep it tidy) and using the net to scan for jobs and your little business (this shouldn't take very long either) I don't know how old your son is, but if he's in kindergarten you won't have much work with him.
So that means that you should have plenty of time on your hands to do other things. Which could be gardening. You don't have to do that every day. You're not a professional, so he can hardly expect you to give the whole garden a makeover, but some tidying up shouldn't be a problem.
Anyway, that's just my (limited) view on this. But first and foremost you two need to talk and sort this out before you even think of getting a kid together.
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