A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi my boyfriend Is 20 and im 19, We have been dating for 5 months now, known each other for 2 years. Everything is going great except for one thing. We cannot have intercourse at all as my boyfriend looses his erection as soon as we try. We always use condoms, and he thought that was the propblem. However I bought the thinnest kind i could get and still no luck. He enjoys and can finnish from handjobs but that is all. He swares it not a medical issue and refuses to go to the doctors but also says he has no idea why its happening.Its starting to cause me to feel unattractive to him and getting me quite down, but i dont want to hurt his feeling because he tries all the time to do it, if he knew how i felt it would crush him. Help :( how can i help him get past this
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female
reader, hyperonepiece1992  +, writes (10 May 2011):
His just nervous and coudnt concentrate at all thats it! lolz...well...make him feel relax first...try kissing him and have a heart to heart talk before you get sex while playing at his dick...just make him feel relax cause it can help him stress out...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Well, I'm middle age but had the same problem after being in a LTR and divorcing. I simply could not maintain an erection with a new partner. Initially not at all, then only during BJ's, then only inside for a few minutes before losing it. Now everything works perfectly. I'll tell you what worked for me...I knew it was performance anxiety. Doctor even confirmed it. Even saw a hypnotherapist about it. I was going through a divorce, lost my job, dog got killed, I had moved out and wasn't seeing my son as much. Add to that the pressure of being with a new partner...my first in 20 years (!), who was much more highly sexed than me in some ways. Told the doc it was making my life hell. After the tests came back OK, we discussed anti-depressant meds, which I declined. he gave me a trial sample of Levitra to get me over the "hump" (no pun intended). It worked, but as soon as I ran out, the problems reoccurred. I got a prescription and became psychologically dependent on them to a degree for over half a year, although I was at least having erections most of the time. WHat turned the tide for me was my GF began to give me more foreplay...basically just caresses and hand stimulation, sometimes oral, and I laid back and took to enjoying that and it took the burden of plunging in and pumping away off my mind. That started a positive chain of improvements in our sexual behavior that made sex more fun, fulfilling and complete. The sex is great, and I stay hard as long as I want and haven't taken a pill for half a year or so. THe subsidence of a lot of the stress also helped.So what does this mean for you? Foreplay, take the pressure off penetrative sex, help him find ways to reduce stress, and if it helps to see his doctor and maybe get a test and sample or two, hey that can't hurt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Sounds like he's nervous more than anything to me. As person12345 recommended, try reassuring him and making him feel as comfortable as possible. I would also suggest to make sure you and your boyfriend are alone in the house for a few hours so he knows it's just you and him together. That way you can easily take your time to enjoy each other with no cause of concern of being walked in on. Really though, what this boils down to is likely him having a low self esteem. Girls complain that they are constantly bombarded with sexy adds of drop dead gorgeous models all day long making them feel inadequate, well the same thing applies to guys. Especially since guys tend to watch porn much more often and they see girls going crazy for really muscular and strong guys who are very well endowed. He's likely afraid that he won't be able to please you as good as he thinks is 'normal'. My final suggestion would be to have a heart to heart talk with him, and let him know that you'll still love him even if your first time having intercourse isn't great. You can lighten the mood by saying something like practice makes perfect while giving him a wink and a smile. :)
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A
female
reader, JenL +, writes (8 May 2011):
 i'm in the same situation like you, may be worse. I'll admit that i have no sexual experience at all so even though i try my best to give my boyfriend a blowjob, the result was disappointed. he just loses his erection so fast before we can even have intercourse and it starts to discourage me. I keep thinking that I must be totally unattractive and suck, that's why he is like that
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 May 2011):
 If he can't even begin to have sex, that sounds like performance anxiety. Try making sure you're both really relaxed and boost his confidence before hand. Not in a way that will make him feel put upon, but just make sure he feels sexy and desired.However, if he doesn't have any problems with handjobs, I wonder if you have to use an extremely firm grip when you do it? He could be using a kind of death grip when he masturbates, which could make it difficult to enjoy a softer sensation (such as sex).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): I think he likes you very much, and get stressed out!
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A
female
reader, BeckyHugs  +, writes (7 May 2011):
Hi, I've had the exact same problem with an ex of mine, and we broke up because of it. His problem was that he was too nervous to perform because he was a virgin. Maybe try using Viagra just for the first time to get past the first time jitters. He might just be really uncomfortable, he may have love self-esteem and think he's not sexually appealing. (If you both get some STI tests etc... to ensure your both clean of any infections, and get yourself on some birth control if your not already on it, try without condoms. A health professional wouldnt advise this, but I'm just like you an average person so I will say this as just a woman talking to another woman. This is what I would say to a friend)Hope it turns out okay xx
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