A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How is my girlfriend in love with me, but doesn't like to have fun with me more than with other people?My girlfriend and I have had this problem, for a long time, with each other. We've been together pretty much 3/4 of a year, but we have these arguments about spending time with each other. I know I'm a guy and this will sound backwards, but I love to spend time with her more than anybody else and wish that most of my time went to being with her and I do have the most fun with her.However... After the first few months of us being together, she started talking to this other guy who I'll call 'M'. We had spent so much time with each other before then, but then in that month she talked to 'M' just about as much as me, and spent just about as much time with him. And 'M' and some other guy are also considered some of the funniest people around where I am, and she really likes to spend time with both of them because of this.But... she doesn't realize why this makes me so sad or upset sometimes. An example is how, just two days ago, she said she was studying for an exam, and I was trying to talk to her on MSN, so I let her have time. She said "Sorry, doing homework." and was all rushy. But then I learned that she had actually talked to one of those two people while she was studying. It seems that I'm more of a distraction to her, but she says "I should be proud of that," whatever that means.It's just... she always seems to have more fun around them, and it really makes me angry whenever I hear that she talked to them or has had a lot of fun with them, and it's caused a lot of non-fun times between us and some bad times too, but she's just too independent and non-clingy, and it hurts and makes me feel unloved or that I'm not really the #1 that she always says I am anyways. She can say it all she wants, but... I never feel it. So, like the topic says, is this really love? Does she really love me, although she likes to talk to those two guys just as much or a tiny bit less because they're enjoyable to be around and have all of this joking with each other? That she chooses to talk to them sometimes first, or when we're both talking on MSN, she sends them a lot more messages than me?Keep in mind that when we first met, she didn't talk to them barely and it was just me and her.... It really bothers me. =(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 I don't have a direct answer for you, but I wanted to tell you that I completely understand where you are coming from. This is an issue not only in your relationship, but in many relationships. Action speaks louder than words as they say, which is exactly what is happening here. You said she tells you she loves you and cares.. but you don't "feel" it. This is because what she says, and what she does, doesn't match up, and words simply aren't enough.
When you talk to her about it, she doesn't understand the problem, and she doesn't see that when she puts others before you she is working against her own relationship. In a relationship you need to prioritize your partner. Fair enough she should be allowed to spend time with friends, herself, have her own activities and hobbies. But to what extend should these things be put before your relationship?
A relationship requires work from both parties involved. If she neglects the relationship, and you, it will fall apart. Neglect can be shown in this exact way, that she chooses to spend time with someone else above working on the relationship to keep the relationship strong. If you and her don't experience happy times together any more, because she spends all her time elsewhere, what you have will be a rotting relationship. It will fade away. A relationship needs attention!
Is this her first serious relationship? Because if it is, that could be the reason she doesn't understand just how important it is to take good care of the relationship. A relationship, and love, need constant nurturing. A partner also needs love and care, and not just words. A lack of this care is what you will call neglect.
Perhaps it is time you have one final conversation about this, because she needs to try and understand where you are coming from. You can't make her devote her time to you and the relationship unless she wants to. Either she does or she doesn't. A person who neglects the relationship at one point is likely to continue to do so, or to repeat the mistakes over and over. So be warned, she will most likely not change. There is room for improvement, but there will be no true change. She wont wake up over night and devote her time to the relationship all of a sudden.
But if the time comes that the relationship ends over this, giving her a fair warning and try to avoid a break-up would be good. Just remember that you can not fix/maintain a relationship on your own, it takes two to work at it. If she's not all aboard and right there by your side, it just wont do.
Another thing, even if she truly loves you, love alone is never enough to have a happy relationship. It takes so much more, in fact love is not even necessary to have a wonderful relationship. What you need is communication, trust and honesty. The lines of communication are currently down: she doesn't understand what your problem is.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): To tell you the truth ive experienced the same thing bro. I keep on trying but i love her soo much. Yet i feel like my heart us going to give up st one point because right now after 17 months, i think its safe for me to throw in towel cuz im just getting a heartache from it. To answer your question, im the same age as u and dude trust me call it off and save yourself more heartache. Ive been thru it, she keeps doing it and im a call it off soon. U should do it as well if u do not see your situation improving soon. I never feel the love and she seems to laugh more around other people so what the hell. Do what u like dude. I lost faith in her. Now u make a decision that would be right for you and your heart..Good luck! P.s try to bluff your breakup or tell her she is losing you. Either u will save yourself a heartache or she will straighten out if she really cares.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): If she says that she loves you, you should trust that she means it. Without trust you cannot build a strong relationship. Maybe you could keep busy with your friends and do your own thing a bit more (i'm not telling you act differently, be yourself, and take time to do things you enjoy and take care of yourself too.) Try to understand her social personality.Try to not make her talking to others be considered a bad thing. The reason that she was not talking to anyone else in the beginning and is talking to others now, because she feels comfortable with you and she is living her life and making friends. Don't panic or feel neglected because she is talking to other guys, i'm sure it makes you feel unloved, but be mature and understand that if the two of you will be together in the future, you both will be going through many situations where you both will talk to those of different gender. just remember to BE YOURSELF, STAY CONFIDENT and POSITIVE:) after all you are the one she fell in love withgood luck
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