A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really confused about my sexuality. I'm beginning to think I'm asexual as I haven't ever felt attracted to anyone male or female. When I see someone randomly or I'm dating someone and think about having sex or doing anything sexual with them I feel disgusted by it. But I don't hate sex or think it's wrong so I don't know why i would feel like this. The only thing I can think of is I do get a bit paranoid about guys only being after sex but if I waited afew months into a new relationship before I had sex then I would be fairly certain in todays society they were serious (FYI i've never had sex and the longest relationship i've had is around 4-5 months). That doesn't change how I feel about it though. I don't think it explains everything that's wrong with me either. I'm in my mid twenties so to still not have found anyone attractive goes a bit beyond normal. It's not just sex I don't seem to need any physical contact like hugs/kisses (I don't find them disgusting tho). When I was somewhere between 5-10 I didn't really see the point of hugging and so didn't hug anyone. I must have gone for about 10yrs without hugging (until I started dating) and I didn't miss it or even think it was that unusual until recently. I'm still a bit unsure about how unusual it is people do seem to hug alot more than I thought but are there many people like me around who aren't asexual? Something else that confuses me is I do get horny and masturbate and maybe if someone was there who I liked at that time, I might have sex with them but that would be rare. A few hours later and I'd be back to feeling turned off by the thought of it. So what should I do? The thought of being asexual makes me depressed because it'll mean I can never have a normal relationship or children as I'd be worried about how emotionally supportive I could be. I don't even think to hug people, it just doesn't occur to me. I'm not convinced enough that I'm asexual to start seeking another one out and the chance I'd find one where I live is probably the same as being hit by lightning anyway. At the same time dating a sexual person for say 7 months (which will be hard to find too) and deciding I am asexual and having to break up and hurt someone which could of been avoided doesn't seem much better.Just to add I haven't had any bad experiences that I can think of that has put me off.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Hi, thanks for the answers.Lazy guy:- Yes people around me hugged and wanted to hug me, they were quite worried about me at first but after about the first few years I think everyone just accepted it as the norm.- The reason I dated (at about age 18 at first and my longer relationship was at 22) was because I was curious I suppose. Two of my good friends entered into a relationship together and were so happy. I wanted to see if I could get that kind of happiness from a relationship myself. That's the only reason really, there was no need or social pressure. That's also the reason it makes me depressed because I will miss out on the happiness relationships seem to bring and have to live my life, more than likely at least, alone. Of course I will still have friends but no one who cares about me more than that. I'm an only child too, so I am worried sometimes that when I'm older I'll have no one. I don't seem to be attracted to men (or women) in general. Yes I am slightly worried about being used for sex but it's not that I have a huge distrust of men - my best friend is male (and I have female friends too).Until recently I haven't been worried or trying that hard but I'm another year older now. My two friends have just got married, another is about to have a baby and it struck me as odd for someone of my age to be in my situation.I really have tried to work out how I feel but everything I have worked out is in my post.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 Asexual does exist but sexuality is not an on/off switch. Same as most people are not strictly homo or hetero sexual but somewhere in between, asexual is another grey area.
Not everyone has the same sex drive. AND not everyone has the same social drive. These are two different but related things. It is not unknown for people with high social needs to engage in sex in exchange for social fullfillment.
What are you? You are you. You are created by your experiences. You say as a child you did not hug. But were you also not hugged perhaps? Raised in an environment were display's of affection were not common?
If you were truly asexual, then you wouldn't be dating, which you did do and if I get the math right, fairly early as well. So there is something that makes you go out and date people.
Is it purely social pressure? Then that might make you feel that it is something you must do. I love chocolate but if I was force fed a bar... well... presumablly after the tenth or so I would start to hate it.
Why does the thought of not having a normal relationship depress you? Because society expects it or because you want to be with someone?
It seems to me a lot of small things are going on but together they are a bigger issue.
Perhaps it would do you good to stop worrying for a while about what you should feel and wonder what you really do feel.
Are you afraid of being used for sex? Not attracted to men in general? Or do not trust men? How about friends, female friends? What is the real you and what is the issues society has talked you into having?
Maybe if you stopped trying so hard it will all fall into place. Might be worth a shot.
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A
female
reader, Cutexomami69  +, writes (8 May 2011):
I used to be the sameway, no affection twards people and so forth but I liked females and then I like guys. I'm 22 and I've learned that I can't be selfish and expect another person to accept me not being affectionate to them but they want to be twards me. I put myself in their shoes and said okay they like me and want to show me how much they like me, so what's wrong with that I should feel good, and they want to know how much I care to but showing them a hug or kiss...
I recommend tLking to a person you like about your feelings and ask them to take it slow with you but try simple things like sweet texts, letters, emails and so on to let them know that you really care and that eventually you will come around, if they understand they care if thy don't forget them!
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