A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:So my boyfriend lied to me and now the trust is gone.Long story short, last friday he went out with his friends and I went out with mine and he phoned me afterwards (after I phoned him to say goodnight) to say he had a good night at a local pub. Turns out, a friend on FB posted pictures from last friday at a bar and he was in the background.I am furious and frustrated and feel betrayed! He lied! I had mentioned how it was nice he didnt go to the bar anymore cause I wasnt fond of the days he did (come home drunk, hungover, girls would always approach him)What do I do? Im so confused and I feel like I can never trust him again. Help
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female
reader, boredofit92  +, writes (28 February 2011):
I know exactly what you mean its so annoying when they do this. its like- why did you bother lying? my bf does it all the time and says he lies 'so he doesnt hurt me'.....when will he realise its worse when i find out! veryyy annoying situation
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Wait the difference between a bar and a pub is what exactly? if you can't trust him at the bar you can't trust him at a pub and if you've told him not to go to the bar and he understands the difference than he lied to you you don't need a guide liar you need a man and sorry but its time to move on
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): It sounds like you are being a bit over sensitive.If the person who cheated on you was your ex, then why get him confused with the guy you are seeing now? He did lie and yes it's dishonest, but you might be pushing your luck asking him to stay out of a "certain bar" on account of your personal history. What if he asked you to dye your hair blonde/or brown because his ex was a brunette/blonde and he felt he couldn't get over your hair color on account of her? When you got over ignoring his request, wouldn't you be pissed? Obviously you wouldn't live every detail of your life out just to please him.Don't expect him to do the same.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Then ask him why he felt the need to lie? But also, you have a bad taste for that bar, and he probably knows it, but you can't deny him going there anyway. Just close your eyes to it. I think he only lied about it because he didn't want to upset you knowing you have a problem with that place.
I have a bad taste for World of Warcraft after dating a gaming addict who cared more for the game than me. My new boyfriend also plays that game, but I told him how I feel about it and we have an agreement: he gets to play it, but I don't want to see it, hear about it, or have anything to do with it, and he must never put the game before me. Deal made, he gets to do what he wants to do, and I get to stay away from World of Warcraft.
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A
female
reader, bubblygirl +, writes (30 January 2011):
bubblygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the comments back. I just wanted to add that I dont control him, he goes out with his friends ALOT, plays sports, etc. and I was out with my friends. There was no problem. I just phoned him to say goodnight.Also, my problem with the bar is that in my last relationship, my guy would go out there and cheat on me there and then deny it. I have had a bad taste for the bar ever since.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 January 2011):
It's not as much of a lie as a white lie. He went out, he had some drinks. What the big difference exactly where he was at? Same friends, same guy, same amount of alcohol, just a different location. He knows you don't approve of that particular bar, and thought he'd skip the drama by saying he went somewhere else than he did.
Ok, it's wasn't a good idea to tell you he went to another place than he did. But he did it because you make a fuzz about this other place where he obviously wanted to go. Why does it bother you so much that he went there? Why did he have to report back to you where he was at? And why is this a deal breaker for you? It does make me think you try to control him too much, and that you didn't really have much trust in him to begin with. What trust is there when you only want him to do what you tell him or else he's out of the picture? Thats not trust, thats control. You didn't loose trust in him, you lost the belief that you had control over him.
You should however try to trust him more. Let him go to whatever bar he pleases, and if you disapprove of that type of lifestyle then leave the man, don't try to control him or decide where he can go and with whom. If this is a deal breaker to you then end the relationship. But for the future I will advice you to trust your boyfriends more and let them have the freedom to choose for themselves and make their own decisions. Trust in their own judgment. You're not their mother after all, and they aren't your pet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): So he went out to a different bar then the one he told you he'd gone to?
I'm not sure why he's lying to you. Since he could get alcohol at either the pub or the bar, I suspect it's the company he keeps at this particular bar that upsets you, and not so much the alcohol.
I would approach him and tell him you know he lied and ask him why. At least you'll get a sense of what he's trying to hide. Please don't say nothing about it or stew in silence.
If he lies about things like this and you have to police him via Facebook, it sounds like neither of you trust the other much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Well he probably lied because he knew you were not fond of him going to bar. Doesn't make it right, but it makes sense.
Doesn't seem there was much trust even before this revelation of fb pictures. It seems like you were just looking for the final straw to substantiate your suspicions, to "prove" he is not trustworthy. But is your unsettled feelings based on fact or your fears?
I think either you have to lend trust and forgiveness, or you decide that you can't do that and spare yourself from being suspicious all the time by setting him and yourself free. With all respect, he is entitled to be his own person and go where he pleases. Just because he goes to the bar doesn't mean he is picking up woman. etc. He may simply go there because that's where his friends are going. If he thinks you associate bad things with him going to the bar, he is going to lie to save you from getting upset.
If you can't find a way to trust him no matter where he goes, both your lives are going to be hell. I say lend your trust until be breaks it. Nothing is a guarantee in life anyway. Lying about where he was isn't a deal breaker, but if you suspect more is going on and you just can't prove it, it's justified to walk away. He deserves to be trusted and you deserve to feel you can trust. But be careful.... is it your fears of the unknown that are putting all this stress between you and your boyfriend? Did you ever lend him your trust to begin with?
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A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 While you are absolutely right that trust and honesty are the foundation of a relationship, it is also true that compassion and understanding are also necessary.
I do not mean that lies should be automatically forgiven. Rather, I am saying that often we lie to those we love not out of malice or deception, but because we ourselves are ashamed of our weaknesses.
Perhaps your boyfriend lied because he could not help himself. He went to the bar and then was ashamed to tell you because he knew you would not approve. Maybe he needed it, maybe he was pressured into it.
I think it is worth exploring how important it is to him. Perhaps you might appreciate how much he enjoys it as a release and a chance to be with friends. If he is faithful to you and you want him to be happy then maybe a compromise can be worked out.
Before you write him off as completely untrustworthy, you might want to put yourself in his shoes and see if the lie could be understood. It might be impossible, but in an important relationship it is always worth trying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Take a step back and try too look at why he lied. I am not trying to take sides but it seemed like he did so because you were denying him something he liked because you didn't like it. He may see this behavior as controlling and felt the need to lie in order to enjoy an activity he likes to do. The best way to approach this is to confront him about this and let him know why you are upset but do not get mad and argue with him. Let him know you don't like him going because you care about him and is afraid he might get hurt while getting drunk. Chances are you will not be able to fully stop him from going, so work out a compromise. Like tell him he can go but he cannot have more than X amount of drinks, can't flirt with girls, etc.
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