A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex fiance and I have gotten back together and have been looking at apts. Now he is acting strange. We have gotten back together after breaking off our engagement last summer. Before I broke the engagement off, he had gotten distant and no matter how many times I said I felt terrible and we needed to talk, he wouldn't. He was mean and disrespectful and told me I wasn't worth his time to make even a phone call yet come over to talk, so I broke it off. He blamed it all on me, and I still think he does. I moved for a job and after awhile, we started talking again. I thought we had worked things through and decided to live together. I left my job and moved to be with him. I have found a new job an we were looking at places. Suddenly he begins to be distant...not picking up the phone, not calling back or calling to say goodnight which we always have done (for almost 7 years). He didn't call two nights ago and I got really upset and he told me I was being ridiculous. We fought, but then really talked. We had a fantastic weekend together, and now, 3 hours later, he has done it again. I left him a voicemail. No reponse. He hasn't been good about answering my emails either, esp. if they concern our living situation. He currently lives at home and has no expenses, so It seems like he would rather live with his parents. His almost 30 year old sister lives at home still...no boyfriend and no friends. the mother is very involved in his decisions and she is angry that I broke things off with him last summer. She has tried to convince him that everything is due to my flawed personality.His behavior is tearing us/me apart. I can't believe I moved back to be with him after much discussion and now he is acting like this again.I have thought it might even be that he is talking to someone else or is interested in someone else, but I have not asked that as I have always trusted him in this way. When we are together, he is still very loving and says "I love you" as much as always.I don't know what to think. Thank you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Sorry to say it OP but making any kind of long term financial commitment to you is a huge risk based on what you did to him in the past. It's possible that's in the back of his mind and it's likely that people are telling him it's a bad idea.
Your reasons may have been justified but I doubt his friends and family see it that way especially if he's still blaming you for it.
This actually sounds like a major character flaw on his part if you ask me. I mean this is the second time that you and he have had a major life changing commitment come up and he's withdrawn into his own little world. The first was your engagement and impending marriage and now it's the whole moving in together thing.
You've been together 7 years, are those the only two times he's done this? Or has he always just kind of bailed, become withdrawn and mean anytime you face something as serious as this?
Give it a couple of days and see how this pans out. Let him make the next move OP, seriously the balls in his court now. The next week or so will be the true test. If he fails this again, then it may well be time to reconsider the whole thing, because honestly if this is what happens when you have a serious thing happen then that will only cause you more heartache.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Dear Anon, Sounds like you need a soft hug and some firm counsel.From your post I percieve that your boyfreind1-Has a past and current problem with commitment. He backs off everytime there is something more serious with you. (Ie engagement/moving in together. This is a HUGE red flag that he is not committed relationship material.2-He has been disrespectful, dismissed you (your own worth and feelings as being silly!) and blamed his frustrations on you. This is a huge red flag that he is not mature enough for a committed relationship/possible marriage.3-When YOU back away. He probably responds, right? When you step forward and want to plan a life..he runs and puts space...sound familiar?4-What do you think made the weekend fantastic? Really examine at what made him the happiest. What made YOU the happiest?5-He lives at home with little to NO real adult responsiblities and is still Mamas little boy. Trust me on this one...RUN! RUN like a citizen of Tokoyo fleeing Godzilla! This boy is NOT ready to be the MAN in your life. He still has a LOT of growing up to do.6-Loving someone is more than words. It is a choice and a choice of actions that follow. If he was ready for a commitment, you would have it already.Stop wasting your time on this boy. Live your life WELL and love YOURSELF well. YOU determine your worth, not him.Choose a job, choose your OWN place and maybe get a fantastic roommate that you can share exspenses and events with...like some fun new activities that involved well-rounded, mature, relationship minded folks!Best Wishes!
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (26 May 2011):
 It appears to me that the discussion has heated to a point where nobody is listening to anyone. When guys are overwhelmed they withdraw. They withdraw even more when they feel they are being badgered. Sure he is being childish by ignoring the issues that directly effect your relationship and he is also being childish (emotionally abusive) by clamming up and giving you the cold shoulder. But you have essentially 2 choices here:(1) break it off and keep it broken off. (2) Find the best way to reach him so that the issues can be resolved. Something to the tune of "Listen, I may have been bugging you about this and I am sorry for that. This is very important to me. I feel (x) because this situation is not resolved and I would like to hear your thoughts because you are very important to me."If he needs some time to think it over, plan a time to talk about it again. "That's ok if you take some time. Can we talk about it next week at (x) time?"Then don't bring it up again until next week. Also hold him to that time. Sure that's a lot of BS to eat but sometimes you need to eat some BS to get people to see your point of view and do what you need them to do. How he reacts to something along those lines will tell you volumes of the level of difficulty you will have with this guy heretofore.I hope this helps. Please keep everyone posted on what happens.
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