A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for several years and live together. For the most part it's been smooth sailing. Then we moved to a big city a few months ago, which made me germaphobic and him less careful about things. I don't know what to do, it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to touch him anymore. He thinks I'm overreacting and need mental help whereas I think it's the other way around.One time I was kissing him and about a minute into a very passionate kiss he says, "hold on" then pulls a toenail clipping he was chewing on out of his mouth, because apparently he likes the texture.He'll see candy rolling around the floor of his car and eat it (maybe months old, who knows).He likes to touch every hand railing he can, running his hands over them on the stairs to the subway, while on the subway, and just in public (to an excess just for fun) then touches his face.He got the stomach flu awhile back (though amazingly, it's only the second time I've seen him sick in close to three years) and didn't understand why he needed to wipe visible vomit off the toilet, and then why bleach was necessary.The bizarre thing is, he has great hygiene otherwise. He showers daily, does his laundry regularly, his living space is always pretty tidy, he's very clean cut. It's just this germ thing and he keeps telling me I have a serious mental problem and am ruining our relationship by being frightened to kiss or touch him. I don't know what to do. Am I being ridiculous? Our relationship is dying because it's fairly hard to date someone who you think is disgusting. I don't know how to get through to him and it's breaking my heart. What can I do to make him see that his habits are truly repulsive? Everything else about us works really well and this seems like such a small stupid thing to end a relationship over.
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female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I think it will. Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe're separating due to job conflicts for at least seven months, so I guess we'll see what happens. It's so sad because together we're just "right." Like it just feels right, I don't know how to explain it. But this is so difficult to deal with... So I guess this separation will help us think through it.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (8 September 2011):
Ahh, I see. After reading your furhter information this all makes a little more sense.
Well, you said you don't think you can stay with him if he;s going to act like this, and you said he isn't likely to change due to his asperger's. You should at the very least not be living with him. I would also advise ending the relationship as well. If you don't want to just end it, I'd still suggest you live sperately. This will help you wean yourselves off of each other, and/or, shock him into realizing how much what he does bothers you.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 Thank you for the extra information.
Since you like him so much otherwise, perhaps there's a way to salvage the situation. Perhaps he could go to a behavioural therapist who might be able to teach him some tricks to improve his (clearly unacceptable) hygiene habits. Despite his asbergers he may be able to change this habit with some professional help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Ok, well you never mentioned he had Aspergers before and it sort of makes sense why he acts like that. However, he isn't going to change because he can't so you either put up with it or break up with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Ok, well you never mentioned he had Aspergers before and it sort of makes sense why he acts like that.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2011):
 I agree with Tennistar88. It's sad, because it's not his fault if he has these horrible disgusting habits. But neither it's your fault- so I don't see how you could cheerfully look forward to a lifetime of kissing a toenail clippings muncher , and if you actually would, then yes, there would be something wrong with YOU.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 August 2011):
 I was about to ask if he suffered from OCD or Autism. Asperger's makes sense.
It's actually not his fault that he's being incredibly disgusting. It's actually normal for him, where as others will see it as erratic behavior. Because it's normal for him, he's going to continue to repeat these offenses without fully understanding it's unhygienic.
The best decision here is to break up with him. Even though it's not his fault, it's just something you cannot deal with. His unhygienic ways are a deal breaker for you.
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A
male
reader, curiousandcurious +, writes (28 August 2011):
Good god, was he raised by wolves? (just read the penny remark)
The slight Asperger's speaks volumes...I would print all this out and show it to him...get him to really understand...also start putting up little notes around the place. Really you must give him an ultimatum....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe also once picked up a penny out of the gutter and licked it to see if it was salty after the snow melted.
My side is that I recoil in disgust sometimes when he tries to kiss me or touch me and he hasn't washed his hands after being out and get overly upset at him when he touches stuff I deem is important to stay clean with what I deem not clean hands (like putting away clean dishes when he's just returned from taking out the trash). I mean pretty over the top upset (I panic and start yelling if he doesn't listen), but I never was like this before. I am germaphobic in the sense that sometimes I truly feel panicked when I get gross stuff near my face, but I wasn't much until I started living with him.
I don't think he's being vindictive, he's just not that kind of guy. He's just clueless. He has mild asperger's meaning he's not physically able to imagine the world according to anyone else. I just feel like it's talking to a brick wall. When I point out when he's doing something gross, he'll usually stop immediately and apologize (like today he was chewing on a piece of duct tape and when I said that's gross, he stopped in a millisecond) but he can never remember to not be gross.
I feel awful because he's the perfect guy for me other than this but I don't think I can stay with someone who is so gross and unwilling to change.
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male
reader, curiousandcurious +, writes (28 August 2011):
I don't think he's being vindictive; I think he's just disgusting. Seriously, the toenail bit made me gag and I apologize on behalf of all men.
Read him your question and everyone's answers. Tell him this is an ultimatum. If he doesn't quit, let him go and find a slobby woman who deserves him. No one deserves to be kissed with a friggin' toenail in their boyfriend's mouth. Cheers!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 August 2011):
 I've been thinking about this one. This guy is acting out vindictively against the original poster. If he's accusing her of mental issues in regards to cleanliness, you'd think that he would have either stopped her from kissing him and went to the bathroom to quietly remove the toenail, or if he discovered it, he'd stop the kiss before an entire minute had passed.
Instead, he let it go on for over a minute (he knew it was there all along) before stopping and making a show of pulling it out right in front of her. I think he wanted to get to her that way and really press her buttons by doing that.
This would be similar to if your girlfriend were afraid of snakes and you weren't, to secretly come up behind her and drape a boa constrictor around her neck and shoulders. There's an element of cruelty to his actions that I find disturbing.
It's okay to be a germophobe. Other fears (fear of driving, needles, bugs, snakes, heights, airplanes, the dark) are recognized and respected, and it's considered highly callous and insensitive to ridicule or taunt those who have fears. Many people's fear of heights wouldn't be considered a mental issue, and truly, a desire to avoid germs and unsanitary conditions is as much of a wise precaution as it is to avoid a fatal fall.
The more I think of it, the more I'd advise you, OP, to drop him without pretense or ultimatums. He is willfully vindictive and cruel on top of his nasty behaviors, and I fear that there's no hope here.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 August 2011):
 YUCK!!!! HE is the one who needs help, that is disgusting! He kissed you with a TOE NAIL CLIPPING in his mouth!!! I feel so so sorry for you, that is just.. horrific.
His habits are repulsive. I find them repulsive, and I am not a germaphobic. I've been out camping with my mom and when flies land in our food or drinks we just pick them out if we can and finish our meal! And there's always leaves or dust or pieces of earth in our food or water, we can't be bothered. My mom used to say drinking muddy water is good for your immune system. So believe me, Im not a germaphobic. But this isn't about germs, or being scared of them. This is about PLAIN COMMON SENSE OR STUPIDITY.
Your boyfriend appears to be doing these disgusting things, not because he doesn't care for his health (he appears to have a good immune system and doesnt get sick), but because he knows it creeps the heck out of you. He's childish.
There is no need to convince him of how disgusting his habits are. You've told him. He knows. He just doesn't give a crap about how you feel about it. Which, in my opinion, says a lot more about how he regards the relationship than any other thing he does.
Is he even aware that even if HE doesn't get sick, he is subjecting YOU to whatever nasties he's picked up? Because if he eats shit from the floor, and then kisses you, he is passing on whatever bacteria he got to you. If he cares for YOUR health, he shouldn't be so carefree.
I had a boyfriend once who dropped some chips on the floor of a bar with carpeted floors... and he ate it. I can assure you, those carpets weren't cleaned often. It was disgusting.
Next time, tell him "didn't your mommy teach you not to eat things you find on the ground?" I'd refuse to kiss or touch him unless he's had a shower first and brushed his teeth. Maybe not even then.
If he had kissed ME with a friggin toe nail clipping in his mouth I might have even left him right then and there. What a show of complete lack of respect!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Give him an ultimatum. Either he changes his revolting habits or you leave. He sounds disgusting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Ewwwww! That is gross! Why are you still with him? My aunt is similar, she touches money and railings and door nobs, and then prepares food without washing her hands. And she uses the same sponge to wash the dishes and clean the floor. She thinks I am obsessed with hygiene because I ask her to wash her hands before handling food. Otherwise she is a normal person. But she is 74 and I think it has to do with aging.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Your toenail story would kill it dead for me on the spot! No way could I kiss him and have him stick his tongue in my mouth after him chewing on his toenail- he'd have to disinfect his mouth first! The longer this sort of thing goes on, the more it will undoubtedly affect you. And you for sure have NOT got the mental problem, this would be gross to any normal person! Whether HE has or not I don't know - could be a form of OCD or could just be that he can't see what he does as being ABnormal, in which case you have a serious problem continuing to be together. He said you have a mental problem and need help - put it back on him and say that as you feel HE has the mental problem, suggest you both go to counselling together, and see what he says. I can't see anyone else not agreeing that what he does is gross, regardless of his other usually clean habits. And yes, you can become too clean with things, so be careful he doesn't tip you into becoming a fanatical cleaning woman!Also, just a thought and if it comes to it- show him your question and these answers- you obviously have done it out of love for him because you don't want to lose him, and he should be able to see that immediately. Good luck, and hope it turns out well!
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (28 August 2011):
We're only getting one side of the argument here. What are you doing that he justifies claiming you have "a serious mental problem"?
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female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (28 August 2011):
That's pretty horrifying. I really don't think you're wrong about being uncomfortable about this.
Was it this extreme from the start, or did it get progressively worse? If it got progressively worse, he might be reacting ot you. Did you see him do something nasty and freak out? Did things go down from there? Sometimes, especially if he has a stubborn streak, a guy will try to get a rise out of you by doing things that annoy you. If that's the case, ignoring his behavior might do the trick.
If he just started doing this, he might be having a mental problem of some kind. This could range from some kind of cumpulsive mania to simply wanting to give the finger to neat society by being gross. Advise he get analyzed maybe?
If this is bothering you that much, (and it would bother me that much as well, don't feel bad) then you need to be straight with him. Tell him you can't stand to live like this, and that things have either got to change, or you won't live with him/be with him any more.
On a last note to put your mind a bit more at ease, I get the sense that your germaphobia is being made worse by his behavior. Obviously, this isn't healthy. Your body can take a lot more than you think. However, if you constantly sterilize your environment, you limit your body's immune system by not allowing it to build up defenses against the germs. That's probably the reason he so rarely gets sick, to be honest. I'm definitely NOT reccommending you indulge in that behavior, I'm just saying relax a little about normal exposure to germs :)
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female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (28 August 2011):
 Don't believe for one minute that you are the one with the mental health issues. He has grossed me out, and I haven't even met him. Very odd behaviour, and easy to understand your disgust. If he can't understand enough to change his behaviour to relieve this disgust, I don't know how you will be able to continue a relationship with him.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 August 2011):
The toenail thing would deal break it for me. That's just beyond rude. I couldn't kiss him again because I'd be way too grossed out.
The candy too -- that is nasty.
As far as the hand rail thing -- that's a bit less disgusting. His immune system might actually be a bit stronger because it adjusts to what it believes are everyday toxins he's exposed to, which is why you don't see him that sick.
The vomit thing is gross too.
You do not have a mental problem, and his suggesting such thing is outrageous. He sucks on toenails while making out, yet you have the problem?! Sorry, but he might as well be munching on boogers in my book, because that makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
If he was willing to discontinue the habits (the toenail thing, the vomit, and the candy), I'd say give him a chance to shape up. But his telling you that you have a mental problem means that he's not changing.
So you have a choice. You can't change him, and no amount of disgust shown by you will change his mind, so either live with it, or find someone a lot more hygienic. Believe me, they're out there. I've never ever heard of a toenail chewer while making out in my entire life! I would run to the toilet, where I'd have to clean my own vomit off of it afterwards. :|
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