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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I [21F] am in a relationship with my boyfriend [24M] (Mike, for future reference) for a year and a half, but our problem started about 6 months in. We met on the university both studying physics so it was easy for me to become a part of his college friends group. Everyone is really nice and I've gotten very relaxed with his male and female friends. So... 6 months in I suggested Mike that we should participate as mentors with a project at Summer School of Physics. He was reluctant because it was his last year of studies and he told me that he has too much work to do and no time for an extra project. It was ok with me because I could understand that he was under preassure. Well, a week goes by and he comes to me so excited and happy to announce that he can't wait to participate *in that same* Summer School of Physics I suggested with his female friend who studies medicine (I'll refer to her as fsm). At that point I haven't ever even heard of her and she is "his best friend", he said. How is it possible that you have the best friend your girlfriend never heard of before? And suddenly he has all the time of the world to do this project with her. I was really hurt and I said that to him. He kept insisting that it has nothing to do with her or me, but the nature of the project was like that that it was easier for him to do if he did it with her so it wouldn't take so much of his time. I managed to get over it. Later they didn't participated because Summer School was rescheduled and they couldn't attend. What bothered me next... He never ever said her name. She was always his "Friend Who Studies Medicine". It would be ok if he didn't call everyone by the first name when talking about them even if I've never met them before. But not her. She is "FWSM" a.k.a fsm. Well, I come forward with this problem and ask him why is that. He keeps telling me that it was not on purpose and he tells me her name. Ok. I moved forward. I haven't met yet her at this point and six months passed after the first drama with their project. Next thing that hurt me was him joking one day how he has always wanted a girlfriend who studies medicine, but I ignored it. So... In July came Mike-getting-a-masters-degree-day. It's tradition in my country that a student invites his parents and close friends to a small celebration gathering on college. Well, obviously I was there and fsm came also. I didn't know that she was coming so I was shocked and upset at first, but I managed to calm myself and try to communicate with her in order to get to know her. I hoped that I would feel better about their relationship after that. Well, as we were having small talk Mike's mother came and started asking fsm if she wanted something to eat or drink, that she will bring it to her. She didn't ask me anything even though I was standing right next to her, but ok. Later Mike's mother came to me and asked me a random question by calling me fsm's name. I just stood there petrified. Her and my name are not even close to be confused with one another, similarity is like Ivy to Gabrielle. None! I was pretty much crushed about this whole thing. Summer went by, I've almost forgotten about all the mess with fsm because Mike stopped mentioning her. In September Mike moved to another country 1000 km away to continue his studies while I remained home. We started a long distance relationship. It was especially hard in the beginning, but we managed it somehow. Then Mike came home for a few days and all the time he was here, he was mentioning random things about fsm, she was in Germany for the summer, she bought him a gift, she did this, she did that... Fury was boiling inside of me so I exploded. I told him everything from the start again and how it made me feel to handle all of this all the time about a girl I don't even know. I explained that she is not one of his other friends that I know and sometimes hang out with so I can't not be insecure about his so called close friend of whom I haven't even heard one single time in out first six months together. The main problem is that I don't know anything about their relationship, their communication, about her and her intentions... All I know is what I've experienced with and about that girl and it was nothing positive. He told me that he understands me and that he can only imagine how I feel about this. He told me that he cares only for me, that he loves me, that they were never together or had anything, that they go sporadically to grab a coffee together, that they went to a concert just he two of them (btw he calls that the best concert of his life), that her father found him a student job, that he went alone to her house, but nothing ever happened... On top of everything he told me that no one can confirm what he has just said and that his friends would surely say, if I asked them, that they (Mike and fsm) are suspicious. I didn't know how to respond to all of that. I guess that I've decided to keep on fighting with myself and all of this circumstantial evidence because I really do trust him, he is a nice guy and I can tell that he loves me. At least I hope. My calm lasted exactly one day. Tomorrow, after his speech how they never had anything romantic together, my friend found that fsm was posting to Mike's wall messeges like "Travel safely, honey." on which he responed with "Thanks, love." Of course, hearts and all similar emoticons were included. I was broken once again. It seemed to me that as soon as I become a bit better about the situation, something even worse comes up and shatters me harder than before. Again, I told him what I've found out and he repeated the same story that they never had anything and that those posts were just a joke between them. Ok. Maybe I was paranoid and too insecure so I started working on myself and beginning to accept fsm's existance in his life. Christmas came this year and Mike came home. I was open to hanging out with fsm to get to know her and calm my insecurities. I told Mike that I think that only that would help me to relax about all of this and of course that I need time because I was never a trustful person. Soooo... Holidays passed and we didn't get together with her, but alright, I will get to know her sometime. He met her one day for a few hours. Everything would be alright if he didn't come to me last Sunday and tell me how his fsm asked him to come to his place (1000 km away) to visit him for a week. I can't do this. I am not ready for this to happen. She is not just anyone and he knows that. She is not any other girl from his friend group I know. This is the girl he knows I have problems about... And for a week?! Again we talked. I told him all of this and he claims that he understands, but he doesn't want to lose his friend. I don't want him to lose a friend, but I can't stay at home worrying for a week what are they doing alone together. I am not ready for this with her yet. I just can't. I don't know... I am just really tired of crying over this situation and this girl. Please tell me from an objective perspective how to get through this and how to manage the situation. Am I irrational, insecure, delusional, paranoid? What should I do? TL;DR: My bf, who currently lives 1000 km away because of college (he left after we were together for a year), has a female friend in his hometown (where I also live) he had never mentioned in the first 6 months of our relationship. Apparently they are very close, he says. Many suspitious things happened between them that affected me negatively about their relationship, but he claims that they never were together or anything like that and that he loves and only cares for me. I love him and trust him, but all of this left me broken and insecure. I tried to cope with all those circumstantial stuff, but few days ago she asked him to come where he currently lives for a week for a visit. I don't think I can handle them being alone together for a week after all the stuff before, but I also don't want him to lose a friend. I don't know how to cope with this and how to manage the situation. I am working on myself to accept her, but this is too soon for me because I don't know this girl and too much of the negative stuff happened.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): OP here!
Firstly, I want to thank all of you for taking your time to read all of this and respond in such a kind manner. Your words helped me calm down, get my strength and rationalize the situation.
Before doing anything drastic, I've decided to talk openly to Mike one more time about all of this, but also I demanded that he comes clean with his feelings and thoughts on the situation. I guess that he was aware that he was slowly, but surely losing me and that made him talk.
He said that he honestly doesn't want fsm to come since he has seen how bad this makes me feel, but also that he doesn't know how to tell her that tactfully so she wouldn't be mad or anything like that. He would tell her not to come even if there's a chance of her not talking to him ever again, but he wants to avoid that scenario if he can. I can understand him I guess, especially because they are friends for a long time (6-7 years) and I guess if anything should've happened between them, it would've already, although I do think that she has/had a crush on him (based on the messages she posted on his social network sites in the past) and I'm not so sure of her possible agenda for this visit.
Well, we talked more and decided to think of something together that will postpone this visit, not make fsm angry at the same time and hopefully get her to realize that this kind of behavior is not ok (visiting a guy friend for a week who is currently in a ldr while not knowing his girlfriend).
I am very stubborn to officially meet this girl and give her a chance. I sincerely hope that she is not evil and cunning and that she will understand where I'm coming from.
Ah... I don't like her, but since I don't know her maybe I'm too early to have an opinion on her. Maybe she just really doesn't know what is and what isn't appropriate. Maybe she is sly. I guess I'll find out.
Thank you so so much one more time! I hope that this will be the first and the last time I mention fsm on dearcupid. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): IMO you do not wait around to let your boyfriend behave in any way he likes regardless of knowing it's hurting you. IMO you have some self respect and leave. No one is controlling anyone that way either. You just leave and let him get on with it.
I would feel that my self esteem had hit rock bottom if I waited around and was still part of the picture while he most likely had fun and games with someone else and waited around some more to find out.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (15 January 2017):
Listen, you can only control your own actions, not his, so keep your head up, your back straight and allow fsm to visit him. If he cheats on you, he cannot blame you for being the "controlling, insecure gf who drove me away blah blah blah" and he will have dug his own grave, like HoneyPie said.
If a person is going to cheat on you, they will do so, no matter what you do. And if that happens, trust me, you will find out soon enough.
I've had boyfriends who had female friends, but I was always introduced to them and we got to hang out together. Once a guy has a female friend he doesn't want to introduce to his girlfriend, that's a huge red flag.
I was in fsm's shoes once, and not being entirely stupid, I caught on and demanded to be introduced to the gf. He went out of his way to stop this from happening and some other sketchy behavior made me tell him that if he thought he'd found someone to cheat on his gf with, it sure as hell wasn't gonna be me. Lol, guess how long that 'friendship' lasted after I said that.
Anyway, your gut feeling seems to be pointing in the right direction. But seriously hon, why try to hold on tighter to him? It never works and to be honest he doesn't seem to value your feelings at all. Maybe it's time to cut this guy loose and find someone who is closer to you, both physically and mentally.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2017):
 I would NOT give him an ultimatum. I'd be OK with her visiting. Basically, I'd give him the rope to hang himself.
Either she IS JUST a friend and her visit it totally platonic or there is more going on than HE is letting on. So for you to say NO, she can't visit! He might go behind your back and she will still visit or he will start painting you as this insecure untrusting GF.
HE knows how you feel, he will TALK a good game, but he doesn't REALLY care. For him, this friend has a higher priority than you. My guess? Because he feels secure with you, he knows that YOU won't leave.
Or he is setting this up on purpose. To get exactly the reaction (you giving him an ultimatum) so he can break up with you or you with him. To me, it makes NO SENSE that he thinks there is nothing to it.
Over Christmas, he MET up with her alone, when you had asked to get to know her better. Why do you think that happened? He is pitting you two against each other for HIS own gain.
I would however, ask him this, HOW would HE feel if the shoe was on the other foot? And leave it at that.
But no, I wouldn't DEMAND that she can't come visit him. YOU should NOT be the "gate-keeper". He should KNOW what's appropriate in a relationship. And maybe he does know, but he doesn't care. And THAT would be my biggest problem.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora  +, writes (14 January 2017):
 You are not paranoid or irrational far far from it you have handled this situation in such a adult and calm manner. You must have the patience of a saint.Okay I have lots of male friends, when you are friends with someone you should automatically get to know their partner. Many years ago I did a course at college ( I was married at the time) I made friends with a chap there, who said his girlfriend was doing a course on human biology I had some books that would help her so I gave them to her and we are still friends 28 years later. I have old school friends on facebook I have also added on their wives who I am now also friends with. If she know you suspect her and she must do. She should make every effrt to dispel those fears, she has not. She should have made friends with you so those fears did not even arise.FSM has made no effort to get to know you which to me is a huge red flag, why isn't she friends with you also.I agree with the other aunts and uncles especially female reader anonymous who said that she has an agenda, I really do think she does have an agenda.He says he doesnot want to lose a friend but what about his girlfriend he obviously values his relationship with FSM above his relationship with you.The fact that she seems really pally with his parents is another red flag too.I really think that you should respect yourself and leave. You sound like such a lovely very highly intelligent person and you are bieng treated, like another poster said in a ridiculously cruel manner. You deserve much much better, good luck and please let us know how you get on. xxx
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 January 2017):
 I wouldn't normally say offer an ultimatum because I don't believe a partner should be able to control who their other half is friends with. Although, you've told him more than once how uncomfortable you feel as you know absolutely nothing about her and feel as though she's being kept secret.
He says he's worried about losing his friend, what about his girlfriend? Do you think you can carry on like this for much longer? You need to have a good think whether you see a future together considering the stress you're putting up with. Is it worth it?
You either need to somehow accept his female friend and get over it or just break up with him because it doesn't sound like he's going to drop his friend for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2017): You have to break up with him. He knowingly puts you through this entire mess and there's plenty of hints of this not being purely platonic.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (13 January 2017):
 I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Nothing about your fears seems irrational or paranoid. The "friendship" you describe has crossed all kinds of boundaries that opposite-sex friendships of people in a committed relationship with someone else should not. The secrecy about this girl is a red flag, the social media "loves" and "honeys" for anyone to see are red flags, the fact she's staying over alone with him is a HUGE red flag. Far from thinking you are paranoid, I'm wondering how you've tolerated this situation for so long. It's like your partner has a second girlfriend in addition to you! So inappropriate.
Your boyfriend knows how much this bothers you and he keeps doing it. Unfortunately you can't force him to treat you with the respect you deserve. What you CAN do is choose not to throw any more of your life away over a situation that causes you so much heartache and stress. If FSM is so enamored with the idea of a guy who likes to string multiple women along, let her have him. YOU are worth more, and can do so much better.
Hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (13 January 2017):
 He understands BUT doesn't want to loose a friend. So what does he not understand about loosing his girlfriend? It may well be that they are just good friends but the concern as to why he has always kept her at arms length from you seems you are justified in thinking and feeling the way you are. Given that, no way would it be ok in my book to have her come stay. Not for a week, not even a day. But I get the feeling regardless of how her staying will affect you, he'll take his usual stance of telling you he understands yet go about it anyway. Think it is time to give some serious consideration as to stay in a relationship where another another woman is valued above yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): Your boyfriend is not being respectful at all to your concerns and he should have stood up for you to his mother. I would dump him if he doesn't see sense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): If this were me, I'd be unhappy too. Rightly or wrongly. How you feel is how you feel. Rightly or wrongly. We all have different ideas of what's right and what's wrong in a relationship. Where the boundaries are drawn, what's allowed and what isn't. If this makes you unhappy, this is a fact. You are as miserable as hell and doing a sterling job trying to deal with it. While he carries on doing exactly as he likes, regardless of how you feel. You have already shown that you are totally comfortable with him having female friends, you have befriended them yourself. So you are clearly not the jealous, insecure type. I believe this hurts you for a very good and valid reason. Because this friendship is different from the others. Because he constantly talks about her and yet keeps her and their interactions at a distance from you. There may be nothing going on, but that's not the point. He cares more about losing this friend than losing you. He cares more about continuing to fraternise with her, than make you happy. And I really don't think you're being unreasonable. Far from it in fact. I just imagined doing this to my boyfriend. To talk constantly about a man who has bought me a present, whom I meet without his knowledge, who is very close to my family and whom I have never introduced to him. I know he has a problem with him and my boyfriend has talked to me about how this makes me feel and I KEEP ON DOING IT.NO way is this ok in my book. Not to mention her wanting to stay with him for a week!! She has an agenda I bet. This situation is ridiculously cruel to you. They call each other honey and love and seem to have a life together apart from you. There may be no sex involved, (yet) but there is emotional infidelity going on here. And when someone goes on about someone all the time, this means they are always thinking about them. I would most definitely leave. You will be so relieved! It will also put you back in the driving seat of your own life. It will also give you an answer. If 'Mike' loves you and only you, he will chase you again. If his heart and mind are elsewhere, then you'll know that too. And if you do leave I would leave fsm out of the reason. I would just say that you feel there isn't anything left for you in this relationship other than hurt and leave. You'll have your answer. Good luck and I hope you find someone soon. You sound lovely and you deserve someone to treat you with respect.
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