A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so here goes.... I need advice you guys I'm at a lost with what to do. I (F/26) met my boyfriend (M/36) this past June. When we met I was dating my ex of five years. I broke up with him and two weeks later started dating this new guy I'll call him Joe for now. So I left my ex and hit the road with Joe. We traveled all over the country working with his business (he sells food at music festivals) we had many ups and downs and he dealt with me getting over my ex, he dealt with me still texting my ex at some points and he dealt him with the battle with my ex over my dog. Fast forward six months later and we find ourselves living together we knew we cared deeply about each other and decided to move in together. After we moved I went back home and got my dog from my ex (i was gone for two weeks) i came back but things seemed a little different and then I left again over Christmas. I left him alone while I went to see my family.During that trip we had a conversation about money and some where along the lines I called him the bread winner and he took it as "you have to support me I'll do nothing" which is NOT what I had intended. When I get back home we finish our discussion and it's great. The last two weeks have been incredible.... until I found his ok Cupid message he sent to another girl while I was away for Christmas. When I asked him How and Why he would do this he said I pushed him. He said I made him so angry and feel so shitty with the "bread winner" comment that he decided to get back on Okcupid and send this message to this girl that basically tells his life story and says he knows what he wants and is looking for a "partner" that message rocked me. He said my words had hurt him so deeply that he wanted to see what else was out there because in his head this wasn't working. I never meant what I said. I confronted him he offered to show me his profile to prove that he only sent one message in a state of weakness a miss step as he's called it. He's since deleted it and told me that from this moment on it's the Main Act and that he's committed to me that he wants to be with me, have babies, marry me this is all stuff we've been talking about in the last two weeks. He says he didn't know how he felt about us and that things were rocky when he sent that message. He swears it was just one and that she never responded but first he said she did respond and then that she didn't! And when I finally asked to see his profile he said he deleted it! I just don't know what to do and whether or not to believe him.. I love him and I know he loves me... was this just a momentary lapse of judgement? I saw his profile he had even updated the town we were in. And if things were so good the last two weeks why did he check it five days ago? My stomach is in knots and I'm lost. Please help... with good sound advice...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2017): You are having a rapid panic over your situation.
Moneys running dry and affection and romance are flying our of the window.
You left him twice.
Firstly to see the ex and relocate the dog and that rang alarm bells in his head.
After all that time you spent at festivals and travelling you go back for the dog?
The dog should have been settled with the ex by then and not used as a bargaining chip at all.
Then you abandoned your man for xmas.
Exactly how you abandoned your dog!
Someone else came first.
If you were as close as you say you are you would have gone to see your family together.
Your guy is figuring that you are not there for the longhaul but just for the good times.
And he thinks you want to have your cake and eat it.
Or have your dog and travel.
Or have an affair and a husband.
Etc.
So when he went on the dating site his mind was made up to look for someone new.
And you found out.
And you saw that he doesnt understand you as much as you thought he did.
Make other plans as a precaution.
A girl with a dog and nowhere to go doesnt quite have the classic appeal of the movies in this day and age.
Dont buy stuff for the house.
Consider shipping out to relatives or wherever because you are not seeing things the same way.
You didnt think he'd have a problem with you getting your dog and visiting your family for xmas.
But he did.
So consider moving out before being thrown out.
I think he's made his mind up but its up to you what you do because its your life and no one elses.
He might not be the correct lasting loving and respectful partner you need.
Maybe you need someone more dependable who can support you if you have children together!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2017):
 He said WHAT?
It's ALL your fault that he got online and messaged another woman? That is the MOST ridiculous excuse I have ever hurt.
I can't really see how calling HIM the "breadwinner" (because let's face it for now HE is) gives him a free pass to pursue another woman.
If YOUR words hurt him SO deeply he should have TALKED to you about that. Not reached out to a total stranger on a dating site. Seriously - where is the LOGIC in that explanation?!
I think YOU jumped out of one relationship straight into another and it wasn't a good idea for you.
And I think this guy is UTTERLY immature for a guy in his 30's and the fact that he treats you like you are stupid - because let's face it.... that explanation is NOT valid at all and he MUST think you are dumb as a box of rocks to swallow it. (not saying that you are dumb, but for him to think YOU would just swallow his story? To me that seems like he thinks you are not as smart as him).
And then when you CALLED him on seeing the message he had mysteriously deleted it? So why tell you that you could see it? Because again, he underestimates your intelligence.
He is full of promises that he can't keep. And he thinks you won't call him on it.
And then we get to these two weeks AFTER he got caught - he now realizes he wants a future with you blah blah blah... He is telling you EXACTLY what he thinks you want to hear. Not necessarily the truth.
I think YOU need to find a job ASAP. Be financially independent of him and maybe even consider that this might not be a good match.
And I think there is NO doubt that he will lie to you again and again. And then BLAME it on you.
And for goodness sake DO NOT have kids with him anytime soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): Sweetie, if this is how he handles the teensiest bit of conflict AND so very early on in your relationship, he has already failed right out of the starting gate. And it does not look promising for your future together. How quick he was to jump at something (someone) else when you made a simple comment which I thought was not as offensive as he took it, to be quite honest. He made it into something brutal, and it wasn't, especially after you had a chance to clarify it was not meant the way he assumed. You presumably already had a discussion about that comment and he told you where he stood and you had told him that is not what you intended. And you moved on and seemingly put it behind you. Everything was okay after that. Was he lying to you? Was he holding onto resentment even though things seemed back to normal? First of all, you do not want to be with a man who pretends everything is okay when it is not. You want him to be honest, good or bad. Not hold things back and not lie. You cannot give your partner a chance to make things right if you lie to them or mislead them and hide things. So, clearly he is not open or honest. He gets offended easily. And he seems to harbour grudges and resentment. This is not a good thing. And on top of that, he is blaming you for his actions, which are HIS actions. He chose to do what he did. He is the one who is responsible. You did not push him. No matter how wronged you may think you are, in that moment, you had a choice. You always do. He chose to begin flirting with another woman. He could have chosen NOT TO. How weak and cowardly to tell you that you pushed him to it. Classic cheater bait and switch move. So clear as day. He's a dick.I believe he is making an excuse about the other girl he messaged. Most men after a simple comment or even an argument do not jump the gun full force and attempt to solicit other women when they are committed to the one they are with. It would take a whole lot more than that and it would take a whole lot longer than that. He wanted to soothe himself elsewhere because you dropped the ball with a statement? WOW! This shows his character, sweetie. Now you know what he is capable of. Do you want to spend the rest of your days worrying about what you say and do? Knowing that the slightest mistake you make could push him into the arms of another woman or women? So, every time you have a disagreement (and couples DO have disagreements) are you going to be panicked that he is going to find the first escape route? That he is going to get back onto the site and message someone else? Of course you will! Because the chances are HIGH that he will do exactly this. He already HAS. He has shown you his true colours. Be thankful it's only six months in. It's not too late to get out without falling more deeply and then having it destroy you. I think you both moved too quickly and this relationship got too serious too fast. I think he is feeling smothered and trapped. I think he is afraid of commitment. Perhaps he is acting out this way due to this fear. Men sabotage relationships when they feel suffocated or are not ready for one and fear loss of their freedom. It may be purely subconscious as well. Who knows? But the fact is, I believe deep down, he is not ready for a real relationship, despite what he says to you. He may want to stay with you because he does like you and he does like having sex with you and may not want to lose that, however, as for long term potential, he isn't sure. He is possibly saying those things to you because he thinks it's what you want to hear and he knows that is how he will keep you on a string.It could be a case of meeting the right girl at the wrong time. He does not want to lose you but he also does not want to completely lose his freedom.If I were you, I would be rethinking this relationship. I would find it difficult to trust him from now on. And I believe this will only get worse in time. Because you have seen first hand that he lacks character and integrity and he is quite immature too.If you think you can forgive this "mistake", go ahead. Only you can decide this. But I do caution you that he is likely to repeat this mistake. So, keep your eyes open. And always protect your heart. I suspect you are going to have a hard time trusting him with it. Do you feel SAFE with him? Do you trust this man never to break your heart? Only you know the answer. I think this incident has already damaged your relationship. And it is all his fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): If someone in a relationship says something that makes the other one feel angry and shitty, then they take some time with that person to talk about it. And how can what you said 'hurt him so deeply'??
But instead he has posted for another girlfriend! And another red flag is that he's tried to make it your fault!
Sounds as if he's lying really doesn't it? He's deleted his profile AND checked it five days ago? Don't know how that's possible.
I think your stomach is in knots for a good reason.
Sorry
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): I don't think I could trust a man who ran to another woman online as soon as he feels "I made him mad". Is that how he will deal with all the arguments and rough patches in the future too? It is a very immature response, and not one you should tolerate from someone you would see as a spouse.
Marriage is hard work. It is not like your last two weeks of bliss all the time you know. You may have rough patches that last days, months, or years even. YOu should marry a man who you can trust to push thru those hard times with you, not wimp out & go online to get a quick ego boost to make himself feel better. If a real adult man sees it is not working he ends it, he doesn't look to cheat.
Ok, so since I have that said; if this was me, and this is the first offense, I would probably give him another chance. Especially since you did the same type of thing early on to him, texting & meeting up with your ex early in the relationship & he gave you the benefit of the doubt. However, if anything remotely like this happens again,(even looking wrong toward any dating apps or flirting with women in real life), I think I would have to dump him.
I will also advise you to make sure you work out these issues before you even think about getting engaged or having any kids. Those things do not solve any problems, they just make the little problems you were overlooking before much bigger.
I hope this helps.
P.S. DO NOT mingle your finances. Stay financially independent even though you live together. Pay your share of the bills & keep your own accounts.
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