A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may seem like a silly question, but it's something that's really starting to get to me severely. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. We had lived together once before but his job moved away so we ended up back with our parents. We've been together for 4.5 years. However, he recently dropped about 75lbs. He's now down to 164lbs. He's a very broad shouldered man at 6'1" tall. To start with, he's way too skinny. He seems to be under the very faulty assumption that he's getting 'toned' but he's far from it. When lying down, his hip bones protrude as does every rib in his rib cage. If I hug him, I can feel his ribs even through his back. I still love him, but this drives me crazy. I've tried expressing concern in a polite way. I've tried telling him he looked underweight and tried pointing out the possible health implications. However, none of these work. He doesn't care. He keeps saying "I feel good when I run so get over it." Personally, I'd rather he be overweight than under. At one point, he tried pointing out his bicep but all I could tell him was "that's not muscle..." and he sort of laughs it off like I'm joking. I've even resorted to pointing out blatantly how skinny he's become and commenting about how bony he is in hopes it'll jolt him enough to stop running himself to death. Heck, I've even deliberately tried tempting him into eating more. It's actually gotten to the point where I hate cuddling up to him and refrain from doing so because it's physically painful. It usually results in me getting poked or stabbed by his darn bones. He thinks he's somehow stronger and he actually gawks at himself in the mirror every time he's in front of it.The whole thing weirds me out, concerns me, and just makes me feel mildly disgusted all at once. How do I handle something like this? What do I tell him?In addition to this, a sillier question. Since he's lost all of this weight, he's developed one of the worlds most obnoxious habits. Eating extremely loudly. Loud eating is by far, one of my biggest pet peeves, and to have my boyfriend suddenly develop this habit is just...ugh. He chomps loudly and has started doing so with his mouth open. He's developed an addiction to bananas, oranges, apples and chewing gum lately and he couldn't have picked louder foods! Chewing gum is the worst. It's so loud that it almost sounds deliberate. The other night, I actually tried bringing this up and he just said "oh sorry" very casually and just chewed his gum slightly more quiet for a whole 10 minutes before reverting back. I have to leave the room when eats anymore unless the TV is on loudly or something. Even then, I can usually hear him eating from any room in our apartment. I figured I'd get used to be, but instead it just makes me sick to my stomach. I've already asked him to chew more slowly with his mouth shut...what else can I do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2012):
 I think CindyCares answered this question perfectly.
I think you are at the start of the end of the relationship now. This recent change in his weight (good job he did there, by the way, that's tough to lose 75 lbs) and the way you react to his new physique tells me you no longer are physically attracted to him. That's the death knell to a viable relationship.
I think it's time to recognize that it's the beginning of the end and maybe that's okay. Maybe it was time. After being in an LDR, the reality of the physical person rarely matches up to the memory, the 'remembered' ideal.
Good luck in finding a more suitable mate!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2012):
 While he may be within the weight charts, I know if I weigh what the charts say I should weigh I look anorexic.. also you are used to him having padding and maybe you just prefer a guy with a bit of padding..
I have picked up about 15 pounds from where I thought I was just a smidge underweight... my fiance loves me at this weight. I would like to lose 10 pounds (still would have me in the overweight range I kid you not).... so we compromised as the doctors are fine with my weight and I perpetually try to lose 5 pounds.... keeps me about the right weight.
you need to talk to him about the eating habits thing... let him know the chewing bugs you... he may not be aware he's doing it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 March 2012):
 If he's 6'1 and 164 pounds, no way he's skinny or underweight. He's slim and fit- perfect. And, when you lie down, everybody's hip bones protrude ! You may like bigger frames ( tbh, though, I find strange that you found him more attractive when he was an unhealthy 239 pounds tub of lard ) but that only says something about your personal preferences, not about his health. In fact, his health was way more at risk when he was carrying around all that extra weight.
As for the loud chomping, I feel your pain:). That's something that drives me absolutely , irrationally crazy, it makes me just want to strike out and HIT ( I don't, of course ).
Yet, I would not consider it- or any other little annoying personal quirk - a reason to break up an otherwise great relationship. Nobody's perfect, and I think one has to select accurately her/his total dealbreakers- and be patient and tolerant with minor imperfections. But, It's also true, that when you start feeling constantly annoyed and irritated by these imperfections, when you begin considering them a problem... often they are just the tip of the iceberg, and the relationship maybe is not so great overall, or you are having a change of heart for unrelated reasons you are not ready to admit or explore....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): There are a few things I feel compelled to point out here.First, if he is 164 lbs. now after losing 75, he was 239 pounds before he started to lose weight. He may have carried it well but not only was he "overweight" at this weight, he would actually be considered obese. With the major potential health consequences associated with obesity, it is *much* healthier for him to have slimmed down.Second, at 164 pounds and 6'1", he is NOT underweight for his height. For a male of his height, any weight between 140 and 189 pounds puts him within normal/healthy body mass index (BMI) limits, and at 164 pounds he is squarely in the MIDDLE of what's considered healthy for his height! There is a big difference between this and "being underweight."Regardless, you can't MAKE him eat, so either you have to live with the "too skinny" him or, if it bothers you that severely and you just can't get past it, move on and let him find someone who better accepts his preferences. But your constant comments that he is too skinny are no more polite and, in my opinion, no more ACCEPTABLE, than if he was constantly calling *you* fat.As for the chewing thing, I'd be willing to bet that it is a response, either consciously or subconsciously on his part, to your being on his case about how much he (doesn't) eat. A little indirect way of pointing out "Hey, look! I'm eating!"Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but fat or thin, male or female, I don't think there should be double standards of any sort regarding insults to someone's appearance. I wish you luck in working through this.
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A
female
reader, supermum  +, writes (25 March 2012):
 You are getting annoyed with his little habbits because you are upset with the way the relationship is heading. It is a sign to me that the relationship has run it's course. This is unliikely a new habbit... just something you are picking up on now because you are beginning to dislike him.As for his weight... he may have an eating disorder, or a body dismorphic (that is spelt wrong, sorry) disorder. It may be time to encourage him to go to the docs. 75lbs is a significant weight loss....I would gently encourage him to go to the doctors. But from what you are saying, it sounds like this is not something you can get past. There is no way you should be disgusted by your partner in any way shape or form. When you are with someone out of habbit, it doesn't usually go well. And when all the little things start to get to you it is often too late.You have a choice. Either a frank discussion with him and an ultimatum, or you leave. I don't think there is much imbetween. You will end up hating him if you leave things as they are.Good luck!
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