A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner has a real issue with the size of his penis to the point of obsession. I'm not innocent in this but I feel helpless as to how to sort it out, move on and heal our relationship if possible. We've been together 7 years and he's always quietly felt as though he should have a bigger penis as he's a big guy. Until a couple of years ago we had a great, healthy sex life in general. I knew he felt this way, but it wasn't an issue, it was just something he'd commented on a few times. About 2 year ago he said he had a surprise for me when we were having sex and pulls out a big dildo thing which he wore over his penis and we had sex. In the heat of the moment, I decided that if we were having a bit of fun and playing a bit of a game I would do something he'd always wanted and acted up a bit - exaggerating my movements and being noisier than usual (this is something he'd frequently mentioned and often said he wished I was noisier in bed). In hindsight I realise this was completely the wrong thing to do, as it has torn him up inside. He constantly thinks about it, about how if I reacted that way then I mustn't be satisfied with his penis. When I tell him it was an act he then says he thought he knew me and my body and now he doubts if he ever satisfied me as he feels I'm lying about how turned on I was on that particular time. He won't believe that it wasn't all that. I told him afterwards it was good fun but it wasn't him. He's an amazing lover, and I have told him it's not all about the size etc and that for me intercourse isn't everything in sex. But then he says if he had a bigger penis maybe it would be. I can't win, whatever I say he has an answer and he's so bogged down in all the negatives he can't see that our sex life was always great. I understand I did the wrong thing but we can't even have sex anymore without him trying to poke me as hard as possible, or fixate on how many times he can make me come. He keeps saying he just wants to be the best lover, and he always was by far. But now he's lost focus he's not. I try to boost him up but it just goes over his head as he's too busy thinking about this one time. He's gone so far as to say I should find myself a lover so I'm getting what I want. It's started to become really hurtful and we're barely having sex. His penis is perfectly sized and he knows exactly what he's doing when it comes to pleasuring me (or he used to). He stares in to space a lot and when I ask what's wrong he tells me he's thinking about the size of his penis. He cries about it too at times. What can I do???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Maybe if you leave him he will realize the urgency of his need to face the issue.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 "And the reason I don't want to leave him is because I want to be there for him to help him through this, not just abandon him. I have committed myself to him after all. And because at lucid times he is the man I fell in love with and it's like there are no issues. It's a constant reminder why I'm still with him."
He doesn't actually need to work on getting better, he has devised his emotional punching bag, created the being who is forced to absorb his self-loathing and personal inadequacies, he has guilted her into staying. Yes, that emotional punching bag is YOU, dear.
He's not consciously thinking this but I expect it's in there in his head: she sticks around because she knows she's the one at fault, this is all her fault and if it weren't, she'd be outta here.
In other words, you are validating his abuse (yes, it's abuse) of you by accepting the role of punching bag.
He blames YOU for his *undiagnosed* depression, his penis size and for accepting sex with a strap on. He probably blames you when it rains and he's left the windows open and he blames you because the economy is in crisis and the last donut sold out at the bakery.
I'm sorry, but you are worse than an unpaid unqualified psychiatric nurse, you are his scapegoat, his punching bag and his personal baggage carrier. I wonder if there's something in you that believes you deserve this absurd role. That you enable him because of some need in you to validate your own feelings of worthlessness or personal failure.
I'd be telling him to get help or I walk. It's gone on long enough and your sticking around taking all his sh*t just reinforces that he gets to dole it out.
I'm sorry he has mental health issues that have reared up now. If he had cancer or a broken bone, he'd be getting the appropriate treatment. Just because it's a mental health issue, he feels a stigma and it's fair easier to blame you, especially as you actually believe it's your fault! Doh! Really, it's just so patently obvious to the rest of us, that's why you're hearing, "oh for heaven's sake."
He treats you this way because YOU believe you deserve it, for whatever reason. So take that up with your counselor ASAP and decide if you are going to live the rest of your life being the scapegoat, the emotional punching bag and personal baggage carrier. I sure wouldn't stick around for that kind of treatment, no matter how lovely he is when he's having a 'lucid' day.
The man needs help. You sticking around taking his sh*t is helping prevent him from getting it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I can't but echo Tisha-1 's words : oh for heaven's sake !
A grown up man who cries about his penis length ? and you have patience with this kind of nonsense ?!
Look, you love him, and you have a good heart, but a) objectively a relationship must work for BOTH people , otherwise it's not a relationship, it's you doing emotional charity , b) if the guy has mental health issues, he needs to take care of them. He needs to recognize he has a problem and see a professional for that. If he refuses to do it, and you still stick around- you are not helping, you are enabling him. And depriving yourself of a healthy, non-codependent relationship.
Things are as they ARE , not as they could be if only. ( In your case , if only he was not always obsessing about his penis ). As it is, he IS obsessing, and he is refusing specialized help- so , where does this leave ypu ?... Do you want to be a wife / life partner, or do you want to be an unpaid psychiatric nurse ?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I would agree with that for sure. I suggested he may be depressed at the beginning of the year (this is just another thing he holds against me) and he has always denied it until this week. Now he says he wasn't depressed when I suggested it but now he is because I've made him that way. And yes, it does appear to go far deeper than the penis issue. If I could only get him to agree to seeing a professional. I have been seeing a counsellor myself to help prevent myself from getting dragged down with all this and to confirm that it's not me - it would be easy to get in to that way of thinking. Thanks for all your comments and advice. And the reason I don't want to leave him is because I want to be there for him to help him through this, not just abandon him. I have committed myself to him after all. And because at lucid times he is the man I fell in love with and it's like there are no issues. It's a constant reminder why I'm still with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This goes deeper than the penis. Your husband has some other issues going on that's contributing to his low self-esteem and misery. I suspect he may be suffering from manic depression and doesn't even realize it so he blames it all on you with his penis being a convenient default. He needs intense counseing.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 September 2013):
You've probably said all you can say, so I'm going to suggest a few things to say in case you missed something. I'd even suggest writing him a note so your thoughts and words can be clear and without frustration.
Tell him that you have always loved him and his penis, and never felt that you would change a thing about him.
Tell him that he's the only one who's had an issue with his size. Tell him the "penis sleeve" was his idea, his fantasy, and as part of that fantasy you exaggerated your noises and movements, and whether or not he believes you, it's the truth.
Tell him that his penis obsession is ruining your relation and breaking your heart because you just can't take it anymore and the only way you know how to help him, therapy, he refuses.
Tell him that if cares so little about your relationship that he's unwilling to make an attempt at fixing it then you can't be with him any more.
Ask him how he'd feel if he lost a woman who loved him and was happy with him all because he was obsessed with his penis.
Tell him that if therapy fails he has nothing to lose, but if it's successful he can finally be happy with himself and he can finally trust that you're happy with his penis.
If, after all that, he still refuses, then you know what you have to do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2013):
Oh for heaven's sake, walk out. He has problem and it's not your fault. He may eventually come to figure out that his penis is fine but if he's casting blame on you then it seems to me to be a toxic relationship. The penis size issue is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
So what if he continues to blame you? That's just continuing his theme of blaming someone else for his imagined inadequacy.
Get out now, he has some major self-esteem issues and if he thinks they are YOUR fault, you are looking at years of misery.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying. This is exactly what I've suggested.I even made an appointment with a sex therapist but he refused to go as he says it's my fault, I created this and I should fix it. He thinks my suggestion is opting out of my responsibility, denying it's my fault, and not doing what I can to help him. I have told him that's exactly what I'm trying to do but he can't see it. I'm at ultimatum stage - either he goes to see someone or I walk out. But this is exactly what he's looking for, so he can throw it all back at me and say I'm looking for any way to leave him so I can be with someone with a bigger penis!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): I would strongly suggest him going to see a professional counselor. He's got issues, and this is beyond what you can work out between the two of you. This is his problem and until he can let it go, get over it and realize it's all in his head, nothing is going to change.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2013):
Get him into therapy, perhaps a good sex therapist may be the best thing.
You can't fix this for him, it's all in his head. Sorry he's gone all obsessive about it, it's sad for him and for you.
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