A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.I am very upset.My boyfriend and I have been going out for a total of almost 3 years now, but lately we have been arguing a lot. The last heated argument we had I ended up crying on the floor while he made sarcastic remarks about male friends of mine.He is very jealous and protective, which I truly appreciate, but at times this jealousy gets the best of him and when we argue he become senile, abusive and aggressive- verbally. It doesn't help that on our first 8 months I wasn't very nice to him. Even though we began as an open relationship I did lie to him a lot, mostly for him not to get hurt and for him to preserve this idealic image he had of me. Selfish on my behalf, I admit. But since after that I have been doing everything for him not to doubt me. I haven't lied to him once, and have tried to be perfect in every possible way. I'm even working out and learning how to cook! I love him to death, for me he is the one, but when we argue all I want to do is break down and cry because he just keeps bringing the past up and accusing me of lying to him (he does this especially when he is drunk) and I feel like he is constantly trying to find something that will knock me down. That will prove to him that my ill past habits are not gone. So he picks on every little detail that there possibly is to a story. So now I have to constantly remember everything, and of course my memory fails at times, but then he holds this against me. So now what, I have to exquisitely remember every detail of my past or else I am condemned to one of his "your lying to me again" sessions? I don't know how long I can keep up with this, Its heartbreaking to say the least. I love him and don't want to leave him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): thank you everyone for all your support.
On the last answer, I agree with you. And that is what kill sme the most. What i did was basically abuse of his trust, since we were in an open relationship. I was allowed to kiss other guys, but then I wouldnt tell him cause I would feel so ashamed of myself, so horrible. and he would end up finding out and obviously that created a lack of trust. But since then, I have done nothing for him to suspect on any kind of mistrust. I completely understand that he is having a hard time letting go and rebuilding the trust he gave me. But its been too long now since he is "rebuilding" and every time we have one of those episodes I just feel more and more like sh*t.
I have agreed to one last time. The next is over because I can't keep putting up with his mean words. But then again, I love him so much. And i deep down don't want to leave him. And then again I feel stupid for ever thinking things like that. Its a vicious cycle.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): I am going to give you the same answer (leave him), but for a different reason. Unlike others, I don't think we have enough information to say that this guy is a manipulative jerk. All we have is your side of the story and you admit that you exercised some poor judgement. Yes, that was 2 years ago but depending on what you did it can be hard to let that go. He is clearly not over it and I don't think that necessarily makes him a jerk if he was hurt so badly. The reason I think you should leave is because mistakes were made on both sides that will be hard to recover from. You are young, you are unmarried, and I assume there are no kids. Use your time more wisely and go find another man. Let him find another woman. Next time don't screw it up in the first 8 months. Learn from that mistake.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011):
I am going to give you the same answer (leave him), but for a different reason. Unlike others, I don't think we have enough information to say that this guy is a manipulative jerk. All we have is your side of the story and you admit that you exercised some poor judgement. Yes, that was 2 years ago but depending on what you did it can be hard to let that go. He is clearly not over it and I don't think that necessarily makes him a jerk if he was hurt so badly. The reason I think you should leave is because mistakes were made on both sides that will be hard to recover from. You are young, you are unmarried, and I assume there are no kids. Use your time more wisely and go find another man. Let him find another woman. Next time don't screw it up in the first 8 months. Learn from that mistake.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 And now you like so many others fall into that same trap. No it will not work, you might think it will but a relationship like this can never work, you will only end up getting hurt, both emotionally and perhaps even physically. Whatever sweet moments you have are the tools he uses to shape you that you may be more malleable for him and that is how he will truly dig deep into you. You will remember what you think were moments where he truly felt something for you but the truth is he will not feel for you, he will only feed you the illusion of love and care and it is a beautiful illusion but it will only end up killing you. Abusers play, you are only a game to him, he will tear away at you so he can see just how far he can go before you crumble because of the poison he spews from between his lips. You are not a drama queen, you are not weak and he will always make you think that you are these things, abusers will always make you think less of yourself until the respect you once had for yourself disappears and I think, you may already realize that it has already begun. Do not feed that terrible illusion. Get out of this while you still can and don't look back.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): thank you everyone.
You know the worst part about this is that f this were a friend, or someone I knew, I would tell them to stop this and leave too. But i love him so much, and the sweet moments we have do pay off for the bd ones. and then I just blame myself for being such a drama queen and such a weak person. and then I make excuses for why he is like that, talk it out and give another shot.. I mean, it can work right?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (29 April 2011):
If you stay with him, one day you will see how much you really hate him and you will no longer be his girlfriend but his emotional if not physical doll. A toy in his eyes, one he can rip apart for no reason, one he can destroy over and over again because he knows you will never leave him. Right now you may or may not believe it will get any worse but it will.
You know you don't deserve to spend nights crying on the floor for something you did in the past. You know a better boyfriend would leave that in the past and see your changes, see your progress. But this man will pick at your flaws until they are bleeding wounds. This man will tear at your mind until you cannot think to leave him for fear that you are unworthy. It happens so leave while everything is still relatively alright for you.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Harrow85 +, writes (28 April 2011):
 you need to get out of that relationship hes not stable when drinking and that temper could turn violent and everytime you argue an he starts calling you names the more your confidence you loose the weeker you get in the relationship wen he starts seeing this he may get worse its human nature toi find weeknss and to capitalise on it, its never wise messing someone about uv got of to a bad start it will never work you need total respect and love for each other please get out of that relationship before its to late,
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A
female
reader, teech +, writes (28 April 2011):
Please take from someone who knows your story so well. This is not a healthy relationship. No relationship is good when there is an element of fear caused by jealousy. I know you have invested 3 years but without kids you have a chance to start again and remain friends with your ex without hassle, hopefully. Sorry to be sooo frank, but maybe thats why im the first to answer.
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A
female
reader, teech +, writes (28 April 2011):
Please take from someone who knows your story so well. This is not a healthy relationship. No relationship is good when there is an element of fear caused by jealousy. I know you have invested 3 years but without kids you have a chance to start again and remain friends with your ex without hassle, hopefully. Sorry to be sooo frank, but maybe thats why im the first to answer.
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A
female
reader, belize +, writes (28 April 2011):
 WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!! He is grooming you! He's very insure . Please end this abusive relationship, you're will constantly live on the edge with this guy. I suspect that that he might have underlying mental health problems.
You need to be in a relationship where you can be yourself, this will make you feel better about your self.
Take my advice and walk away while you still have time.
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A
female
reader, sunshine88  +, writes (28 April 2011):
its probably not going to end. You should leave or you'll just be in the same spot or worst off next year and the next and next... its a domino effect its keeps falling down and eventually it'll all be gone. Its not good. Ive gone through it for 7 years now... 7 years of explaining, justifying, reliving, begging for forgiveness for the same "lie" i told. So yea get away. If you need to talk you can personal message me. I need to talk too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Jealous and protective? No he's a controlling manipulative jerk. This is so unhealthy you need to get out. You lied alight, but he chose to stay with you, so that means he gets over it. You don't stay with someone so you can torture them and make them feel like shit because of their mistakes. Do yourself a favor and leave him now. He's not the one for you. The one for you doesn't make you feel like a piece of garbage.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 April 2011):
 can you tell me WHY you appreciate a jealous possesive man?
Protective is different from possessive...
jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity not love....
what about his abuse makes you love him?
how often is he drinking enough to become drunk and/or abusive?
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