A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help!!! Boyfriend got a little violet i make him do it. Will men please answer did i? Ok this day was bad i messed up so much. First good sex n blow job so i was thinking we gonna have great day. But right he texted a friend saying he board. Hurt my feelings...he didnt wanna hang with me.. And he said he board he has been saying that alot oh he got cabin fever. But he said sex is a mutual agreement cause i regretted doing it after finding he wanted to flee. He said not a weapon now does that mean he not serious or did i overreact? Then he grabbed my chin and squeezed telling me to say nothing is wrong and he booted me in my butt and pulled my hair. Wth do i do? We.been together 11 years not married am i being used any nice guys means please answer wtid? Mean guys answer too why did you hurt your girl??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Greetings; I would consider myself a nice guy, meaning that I have never physically or mentally harmed another person, in or out of a relationship. I am with a lovely girl and we couldn't be happier. take it like this; anything that happens to you and you think "hey i dont like that" - or - "this person has just bean mean to me or violated me" then this person isn't doing you any good. do not think "oh i have invested 11 years into this relationship and if i move on, i will have wasted my time" look at it this way, "if i continue to waste my time with this abusive person that doesn't even value me or any of the time spent with me, why am i not out there enjoying life and finding someone that DOES value those things?" the point im trying to make is, if you need someone to make you happy, they can easily make you unhappy. you need to be yourself and enjoy your life, when someone comes into your life and values YOU, for who YOU are and the time that you do spend together, then you are truly happy and have found your true love.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 March 2014):
 Thanks for the follow up.
It appears that you have never thought of yourself as an abused person. You call this latest event a little violent. You say he has done similar things before and he also calls you bad names. You have become used to this kind of treatment. The only time you threaten to leave him is when you are using that threat in an attempt to get him to marry you. And, it isn't working.
You have been advised several times today to leave him. I even advised a safety separation. Please take this seriously. A guy who can do what he has been doing is capable of putting you in the hospital or killing you.
O K back to your original question. You asked if you were causing him to act this way. The answer is no, he has chosen to use guilt, (and violence, and shame) as a method to exercise power over you. This is pretty typical of abusive persons. He doesn't want you to think that you really can find a nicer guy. He wants you to think that if you do find a nicer guy that you will just make him into a mean guy anyway.
This does not change what I said before about your attitude towards sex. What it does change is the reason why you use sex that way. You use it because it is the only power you think you have left.
You need to use the other power that you do have. The power to leave. You show signs that you are unwilling to actually leave him. As Aunts we are trying to give you as many reasons as we can find to help you make that decision. It is the only way we can help you.
After you are away and safe from him is soon enough for you to start working on a proper sexual relationship. You will probably not be able to fix his behavior as I suggested earlier.
FA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 March 2014):
 11 years is too long. He's been violent with you for a long time. If you're afraid of him, then you need to call the police. Get away from him. If he threatens you, then you need to file for a restraining order against him. Do you have family, friends, brothers, friend's husbands??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Yes he has done it before, mostly when i say i want out and i use the we arent married and i need to find someone who love me..mostly that is the stem of our arguments. That we arent married. And he is keeping me from finding a good guy. He says we arent married cause im a asshole.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 March 2014):
This man should not be in your life.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 March 2014):
Yes indeed your relationship is a mess. 11 years in it is weird for him to make such a change. He is under stress he calls it cabin fever. He is bored at being cooped up in the same place. You take his desire or need to get out and do something else as a personal rejection. This is not the case. It has been a long cold winter and he is itchy to get out and doing things.
It is interesting that you ask if he is using you. I think it is possible that he doesn't appreciate you fully. I think the level of physical violence he used against you indicates that a short safety separation is in order (30 days). I don't think this is a permanent change of behavior but more of an acting out due to weather stress.
I started by saying your relationship was a mess I need to tell you why I said that, and I don't think you are going to like hearing it. Your boyfriend was trying to explain it to you but in his anger and upset he made rather a hash of it. He said you were using sex as a weapon to manipulate him. In other words you are buying his time with sexual favors. apparently in your mind your relationship has been defined that way for some time. His mind has always seen it differently. To him sex is a loving activity that you two share together. Spending time together is another loving activity that you share together. Typically guys would see the first as most important, the second as just nice. Women typically see it oppositely where spending time together is more important. Your trouble I am guessing is that you see sex as payment for time, and not as the sharing loving experience it can be.
What should you do. First a bit of distance to protect yourself physically. Some cool down time. Second realize that his need to get out of the house and hang with his friends is not a rejection of you but a frustrated need of his. schedule some time out for him, and make sure he gets it. Next schedule time together for you. without sex or with sex at the end when your emotional needs are filled and you are ready to give lovingly. Think about how you view sex and see if you can get your mind in a healthier place.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): You've been together 11 years and not married? I don't think this is the first time he has ever been violent with you. My guess he has had a long history of roughing you up and you've taken it all these years.
Are you being used? One thing for certain; you've been physically abused by your boyfriend. He's board. Stop clinging and let him go. He doesn't want you anymore.
You probably cook, clean, keep house, and take care of him.
That's all he wants you for. He doesn't even want to make you his wife. You do everything a wife does without any rights.
The advice I off you, is to get out of there. Find yourself a decent job, and take care of yourself. You chose him for a boyfriend thinking his aggressiveness is manly. It's not, it's brutality.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (17 March 2014):
 There is no excuse for violence.
End the relationship. You deserve so much better.
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