A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,I have a problem here, the one I am not capable of resolving on my own. Me and my gf, we've been together for 3 years, living together for 7 months.Most of the time our relationship seems to work well, yet there are critical situations when we are one word away from a break up. My gf is very emotional. Moreover, she tends to psych out a lot over meaningless stuff when her mood is wrong. I, on the contrary, am more stable and overall not offensive. There are things that can drive me crazy, for sure, but I don't mind small things going wrong, I find it natural.The problem I seem to be having with her is that whenever the critical situation appears, she's the one to cause it and I'm the one blamed. This last time, we had big plans for the day. I took a day off at work and we went to pick up new curtains for our apartment, then we would go see a movie with her parents and go to their place for the dinner. However, it did not go as expected. She was in her worst mood, started from critisizing my driving skills (as if she knew how to drive), which I payed small attention to. Later, when we were at the shop, picking up curtains, I suggested we should take beige ones, as I thought they would fit our blue-and-beige room better, yet she psyched out saying "What would they match?", and when the answer was "Beige stripes", I got her "Whatever" and she ran off. I picked the blue ones (I did not want to wake the dragon) and we went to the car, she going good 20 meters ahead pretending she does not know me. Then went a silent road to the cinema, where I decided I don't want to spend the rest of a day off in company of her family given that she does not even want to be in the same room with me. I told them that I felt sick, apologised and went home. I came home, fixed a minor malfunction in my car, made the dinner, drilled through walls and fix the curtains. In the evening I opened my facebook page to find out I'm an ignorant and childish bastard that is rude to her parents (I was not) and selfish. The talk did not make it better, I'm still blamed. I own our apartment, I pay the bills, I drive and pay for fuel, I work, while she's an unemployed student, I buy all the food and take care of half of the cleaning, and I'm still called all these things. And I'm also baseborn in medieval terms, so I don't mind being called a bastard.This does not happen too often yet every time her mood shifts I get responsible. Worst of all, at these times she brings up all the previous stuff that she finds to be my fault too. I wonder how long it takes before I'm forced to break up with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Men often tolerate verbal-abuse from women, assuming we're tough enough to take it. Abuse is abuse, the gender of the perpetrator doesn't matter.
I sense there may be an underlying physiological or
psychological disorder. I think you should have her get a physical-examination. She should have her hormones checked and/or see if there may be side-effects associated with her birth-control.
It's not unusual for there to be high-sensitivity and irritability during a woman's menstrual period. PMS is too often blamed for bad behavior in females. Some are just the B-word that rhymes with witch. Their aggressive and toxic behavior is just too easily dismissed. Verbal-abuse is as traumatizing as a blow from a fist. It slowly eats away at you. There finally comes a point when you can't take it anymore. My friend, I think you're there now.
Over time, it can wear you down psychologically. Abrasive people have to be held accountable, and not allowed to write their behavior off as just a little personality-quirk. It should be addressed and stopped. Not tolerated.
I think you might have to be less passive-aggressive and directly confront the abuse. You really should ask her about her birth-control, and suggest that she see her gynecologist or general-practitioner about the excessive moodiness and aggression.
Also inform her in the very words used in your post, that you are "one word from a breakup." She needs to be placed on notice. We men often allow our girlfriends/partners a lot of latitude when it comes to venting their anger. We figure we're tough enough to take it. It's just words, we can just tune it out.
Like any form of slow-torture. It starts to wear at the victims mental-health. Yes, I used the word victim. You are quite bothered by this; or you wouldn't haven taken time to seek advice.
You must confront the issue directly and hand-down a very serious ultimatum, that you fully intend to follow-through on. Do not remain in that environment. Leave it. It is unhealthy. It will start to effect your concentration, shorten your temper, sleep, and your work performance.
You'll become jumpy and nervous. Stressed-out.
Take it seriously my friend. It's not being less than manly to put an end to abuse in your relationship. Whatever the cause; it should be dealt with.
If she's miffed and brittle, because she's annoyed that you haven't asked her to marry her; by gosh, don't even think about it! If this irritability comes in waves, or seems uncharacteristic; it is often a side-effect of birth-control, or oncoming mental-illness.
If it turns out only to be abusive-behavior; then deal with it on serious terms. Send her packing.
The reward for cruelty and ingratitude is loneliness. Leave if you must. You can do better.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 March 2014):
 Why continue to stick with a bratty girl-child who has yet to complete puberty.... Dump her and get a mature, adult girlfriend. I'm sure you can't be any less-happy than you are now.... (AND, you won't have to train her to be an adult!!!)...
Bon Chance....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2014):
 I have to say instead of slinking off with a lie about not feeling good, I would have STATED clearly to her that you don't feel welcome when she is in THAT mood and you will be taking you leave of her EVERY time she act like that.
Personally, I would sit her down and ask her what her problem is. This isn't hormonal - this is being abusive. And I would have started by pulling the car over when she started criticizing your driving. If she can't explain WITH WORDS then I would have dropped her off at home (or the store) and let her stew.
My guess that some of her behavior stems from how uneven your relationship is. YOU literally have ALL the power, she has very little - so she tries to assert herself by putting you down. SHE knows is isn't bringing much to the relationship (financially at least) and I think that is one of the reasons she lashes out at you.
NOW... That doesn't JUSTIFY her behavior. AT ALL.
Secondly, I think you are humoring her WAY to much. She throws a fit because you liked beige curtains and storms off and you.... BUY the blue ones (her pick?) You don't mind being called a bastard on FB (insert your "I'm baseborn" excuse).No, just no. Being of "illegitimate birth" doesn't give HER the right to call you names, not on FB neither to your face. YOU are LETTING her abuse you verbally. YOU are allowing these tantrums.
Sit her down, explain that her fits/tantrum/abusive behavior are not OK and from now on, you will WALK away when she starts acting up. If she WANT to talk to you she needs to talk to you in a respectful manner (just like YOU have to talk to HER in a respectful manner - it goes both ways). And that if she can not VERBALIZE why she is REALLY mad at you or life in general then maybe it's the end of the road for the relationship.
Solving issues is NOT about finding FAULTS or BLAMING anyone. It's about identifying the problem, and TOGETHER find a solution. WHO was at fault doesn't matter (up to a point).
I'd rather be single then treated like that. ANY DAY.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 March 2014):
 This is verbal and emotional abuse at its worst and you *have to* put a stop to it. If a girl were writing this about an abusive boyfriend then we would be screaming from the rooftops to get her to report him for abuse and cut off all contacts with him unless she wanted to be grabbed by the throat and dashed against the walls. You're in pretty much the same place OP. She calls you names, she stonewalls you, she blames you for everything and yet she has the cheek to depend on you financially while living in your house, eating your food and using your car. OP, if you don't stop getting used by this obnoxious girl, then you are really the only one to be blamed.
There is not one good thing about this girl, nothing that you've listed, at least. You have to constantly walk on eggshells around her, take care of her, be her servant and yet be at the receiving end of her taunts, abuses and profanities. And while you might be "baseborn", as you put it, in no way, NO WAY, does that give her the right to call you a bastard. By allowing her to insult you in the worst way possible, you are actually degrading yourself and allowing yourself to be treated like shit.
Please OP wake up and smell the coffee. This relationship is not right for you in any way. For her, she's hit the jackpot so its win-win all the way. She knows that she can use you and abuse you and you'll still not say anything.
Get out of this dysfunctional relationship and start respecting yourself. Don't let people walk all over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): There is one scenario screaming out here. If its really that bad why is she there? What is your part in all this. According to my ex I am a psycho bunny boiler. My current boyfriend thinks I'm the opposite. What would your girlfriend say about you? Can you see the part you play or do you think she is as mentally unstable as she seems from what you say here. On reading this I I cant think of one tiny reason for you to be in a relationship with her.
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