A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We live together. He is divorced with a couple adult children. We talk about getting married. We share the same office. I have a home based business. I have a separate work space from the office in the home.He tells me to be myself around him. "But" when I am, he gets irritated with me. He yelled at me last night. We were working in the office and I was trying to respond to a person in an e-mail about an article they wanted to write up about my business and a question they had. I stated out loud the question and wanted his input how to respond to it. You know, a normal conversation with your boyfriend. He "yelled" quite loudly at me to just pick a number in regards to the question and move on with it. He yelled I was getting hung up on the question. He is an executive at a company and has to make rapid responses at work. Granted I like to mull things over. But I value his opinion too.IF I am not in my work space and in the office during the day and he comes home, he thinks I am goofing off and not doing my projects when in fact I am trying to do the business side in the office and then I go to my work space to do my projects once I get my office in order. He is just stuck on the fact that I am goofing off in the office and every night if I am in the office with him, he starts in on me about how I should be in my work space doing my projects during the day.I am walking on eggshells. If I had the room I would move my computer and my file cabinets up to the work space to get away from his tracking my movements and talking to me that way. It's becoming an issue and I am starting to feel controlled.After he yelled at me, he told me he is only trying to help me.It's gotten to the point that I don't want to share an office space with him in our home. I feel I need my own office space away from him.Should I purchase a laptop and move what I can up to my work space and work as best I can from there so I don't keep having this issue with him during the day and evening?
View related questions:
at work, divorce, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): The OP here. Thanks everyone for your input.He is a "project" oriented person. He always has projects he has going on for the home or projects he is working on for his parents, like getting old pictures organized for them and into a photo album. It is all about projects with him and I think that is where his train of thought is coming from. Seeing me actively working on a "project" is to him completing something whereas sitting at the computer is not. I don't get the disconnect since he is in business and he has to use his computer everyday to get things done.Tisha-1--I like your idea of completely separating the business from the personal. Right now that is the mix I have in the home office. My workspace is limited and I am not sure how I would fit the file cabinents or a computer in there. Working off site is not an option because of the overhead. Working out of the home is more cost effective at this point. I will look into tight fitting office spaces and see what solutions are out there on the internet or bring someone in to help me reorganize the work space. I'll leave the office for personal use, although it is the bigger space, which yes, would be hard for me to give up but I feel that is the best solution at this point.I've decided not to discuss my business with him anymore because he gets so uptight and he isn't helping matters with his response and tone with me.He is also a very hyperactive guy and can work circles around people. It is quite amazing to watch and he is "extremely" organized for a guy. I thought I was organized but he blows it out of the water compared to everyone else. Those are attributes I wish I had, but I don't.The work I do is slow and methodical as far as the projects and that approach is required to get the projects done correctly. Whereas, he goes full bore into his projects, at top speed, so fast that he makes mistakes, which then he has to go back and correct and he therefore makes more work for himself in the end. You would think he would learn after awhile that is not the best approach. He keeps repeating that same behavior time after time. I've resigned myself that, that is just his personality makeup being he is so hyperactive and that he can't learn to slow down.So, yes, we do have different approaches to how we work. I want to get it right the first time and would rather take the time to do it that way than go back and correct mistakes.He may be trying to help me, but I am going to have to tell him to butt out of it and let me do it my way and to keep his opinions to himself since I don't tell him how to run his job at the company he works for. I know he really wants to see me succeed which is a good thing out of all our differences.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Are there underlying money issues? Does he have finacial problems that perhaps you don't know about??
Just curious, because maybe when he sees you 'away from the work space' or taking your time over business issues maybe he thinks that the onus of providing is all falling onto him because you won't keep up?
I don't think it's an issue about working so closely together, I think it's an issue about weight of responsibility. He seems stressed...maybe you should ask him what is REALLY bugging him.
I could be wrong but just thinking outside the box!
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 November 2013):
 he clearly has difficulty transitioning from "executive" to "boyfriend" at the end of the day. what you asked is an absolutely normal question. and his response was uncalled for.
perhaps he is just trying to help in his "executive business man" sort of way. but he needs to recognize that what makes him a good business man is NOT what makes for a good boyfriend.
have you tried reminding him that you are not his employee, and how he talks to you upsets you? before you pack your stuff up, try chatting with him about this. and if you can't come to some agreement, then consider moving your office.
this is probably just a part of his personality. he may not even realize he's upsetting you. but this is something he can work on. he just needs to know it's this big of an issue to you.
if it's not something he is willing to work on, you need to decide how happy you are. does this go on all the time? if so, can you learn to adjust to it? if not, maybe you need someone you're more compatible with.
take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 It sounds like he needs to respect some of your boundaries.
We all have particular ways of working. Men, in general, tend to attack a problem head-on. Women, in my opinion, tend to look at a problem from a variety of angles and try to figure out what the best approach is. I do believe that each person finds their own solution and each has pros and cons.
Your boyfriend needs to work on communication and being supportive. From the sounds of it, he gets frustrated with the way you approach a problem and appears to come off as frustrated, rather than supportive.
Remember, you may have caught him at a bad time. Perhaps he had a bad day. However, if this is the way he typically works with you (really take a good, hard look at the way you guys talk), this could be a HUGE red flag. He may actually be very controlling, or worse, have a strong temper.
In the short term, you may have to decide that the way you work is your business and he needs to butt out.
Finally, next time he yells, ask him why he is so upset... His answer may surprise you may reveal a lot.
Eddie
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I see this phrase as the most important in your submittal:
"After he yelled at me, he told me he is only trying to help me."
Suuuuuure, it starts with a little yelling... THEN, he "helps" you by shaking you by the shoulders..... AFter that, he "helps" you in more and more physical and disturbing ways.... until, finally, he helps you by clobbering you in the face or on the neck.... and sez: "Damn, I was ONLY trying to help you.."
Get out now. You don't need this kind of "help"....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 I would divide work space into "his office" and "your office" with a shared printer in another area of the house. Frankly, if you are the one with a home-based business and he works outside the home then you should be the one with the larger space and the printer.
Even better, divide it completely, so that all expenses related to your home based business are specifically assigned to that one area of the house and it is used for no other purposes that your business. Get your own laptop and printer and what you need to make the business run. Check with an accountant to see if you are complying with IRS rules and regs for home offices.
Another option is to find space in one of the local entrepreneurial incubator for small businesses. They often have cheap space and you can get out of the house and establish regular working hours for yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Yes. Purchase your own laptop, and tell him that while you know he is trying to help, you have your own way of working and it works quite well for you, and his mode of "help" you find quite distasteful and disrespectful. He doesn't need a play-by-play; that's only giving him an unnecessary mode of control over you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Have you explained that THAT is how you work? Your process? He might have a different process (we all do honestly) but I would tell him it needs to stop with him doubting you and criticize your work methods.
I think when you start "inviting" him in by asking him to help you answer questions or how to do things, he will (like many men) assume that you don't know what you are doing thus he will TELL you what you should do. Men like to "fix" shit. Even if it's not broken. Hence the "just trying to help".
I would suggest that YES, you make yourself an office/work space for YOU alone, but you really need to talk to him as well. He needs to understand that he doesn't own you or employ you. That you are QUITE capable doing your job (or do I presume wrong?)
Don't mix the business side with the relationship (unless you work for the same place).
...............................
|
