A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles,You all have given me great advice in the past, and I'm hoping you can help me again.I've been struggling with feelings of guilt over not being a virgin anymore. I'm 23 and I slept with my last (and only) boyfriend. In the beginning (I was 21) I thought we would be together forever, etc. etc. and then I realized that we were too different and I broke up with him. (I don't regret it, I know it was the right thing to do).Anyway, before I dated my ex I was naive enough to think that love was the only thing required for a relationship to work, and that we would stay together and he would be the only guy I would ever sleep with.After we broke up I felt really guilty about sleeping with him, and I wished I had waited till marriage…has this happened to anyone else? Since then (we broke up in the spring) I decided that I'm going to wait till marriage before sleeping with anyone else., which is a decision I feel very positively about. But in the meantime, I don't know how to stop feeling guilty, and feeling like my future husband will be upset/disappointed that I didn't wait for him.Any advice would be appreciated!PS. I know that to some people I sound really ridiculous...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Guilt should not be felt for something that is perfectly natural. It took me a few tries and believe me, my intention was good. Sex was something that I rather wanted to experience myself for real, not into dreaming and reading sexy novels of 'others sexual experiences' that are mainly bull anyway. I am a realist and for me sex was best tried and tested, what was in my head might not have matched the other head and there we would have had a problem, he may only like thursday nights where I am quite flexible...just think,five years of waiting and wanting for a once a week jump...no refunds once married, that's your lot. It is not sensible to always wait, it may be romantic and to some the moral correct thing to do, and I do respect there choice. Our lives are often windy roads that we have no control over and there are suprises at every corner and paths that we wind up on. keeping hold of ones virginity when your 'living loving and laughing'is like going down that road knowing the destination and never trying all the little villages on the way. Travel through life involves experiences both good and bad , nobody should feel guilt for loosing their virginity it's called living.Please note: I do respect peoples individual choice of staying virgins, as I respect the other choice of not staying a virgin.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I think your best chance of happiness is to find someone like yourself. Another non-virgin man who wants to wait until marriage this time.
Beware that if a guy has bad/hurt feelings about your sexual past, it's permanent. Time will never heal it and loving you more will only make the feelings worse. So I suggest you avoid getting involved with anyone who has strong negative or hurt feelings about your having slept with your ex. Its a compatibility problem that has no solution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I'm the author of this question--
Thank you everyone for your thoughts!
I know it is going to be a challenge to be celibate until marriage but I think it will be worth it.
Some of you said you think I should only sleep with someone in a serious relationship--but that's what I did last time and I wasn't happy with my decision. So I'm not just going to go and do it again!
I do understand that some guys will not be okay with that…but hopefully there's at least one who will be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Don't feel guilty for something you can't change, that didn't hurt anyone and doesn't mean a whole lot anyway.
Just be careful OP. Holding off on sex until marriage is tough even when you're a virgin, it's going to be twice as tough to find a guy willing to wait until marriage when you're not even a virgin anymore. Lots of guys will feel you're punishing them for your past mistakes or that you've already done the act why not with them etc.
Stick to your principles OP but be up front about it from the start. A guy who is himself waiting for marriage probably will be disappointed, I mean you're disappointed aren't you? So yeah a guy who loves you and is a virgin until marriage may feel that special moment is gone. But again it's just something you'll have to deal with if it arises.
Do what makes you happy OP first and foremost and don't worry about anyone else. Be prepared for it to be tough going dating though OP, your choice means a lot of men won't be interested. It also means a lot of the virgin guys who share your belief will find it difficult or maybe even won't be interested in a non-virgin girl. There is very big risk of retro-jealousy too and insecurity in guys that your ex is better because he got to have something you won't give to them. Just be aware of all these things OP. You could be lucky enough to meet the love of your life in the next guy too but be prepared for the challenges your choice poses.
I wouldn't wait until marriage to have sex simply because I know that sexual compatibility is vital to a relationship for me. Not everyone "fits" well, not everyone can click sexually no matter how good both of them are. To me mutual sexual fulfilment is too important to make a life long commitment to a person without knowing if we have that first.
While I respect your beliefs and decision, you could be dooming yourself to a life of shit sex with a guy who is unable to satisfy you. But who knows maybe good sex isn't important to you either.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 November 2013):
 You should not feel guilty... you slept with a man you loved and you did it in good faith.
You make the assumption that your future husband will place a premium on your virginity. For all you know the man you finally meet and marry may not want a virgin...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): It depends on whether you intend to get involved with a virgin or non-virgin guy. A virgin guy will probably not accept this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Around here you aren't expected to feel guilty of you slept with 23 people at 23yo. You won't get any trouble over one person. As for your future husband - if I was in his shoes I could deal with a non-virgin wife. Especially the story you have where you were really serious with the guy. (I have only slept with a few girls in my life and I am much older than you.) But yes it would bother me that I have to wait until marriage to sleep with you and some other guy did not. No matter how much my brain understands what happened and your reasons, my emotions are still going to feel like I am getting punished for your mistakes in the past. There is no fixing that. I would vote to just have sex in very serious relationships, not necessarily waiting until marriage. If you follow through on that (wait many months before sleeping with someone new) then you probably still won't sleep with very many more people before finding your husband. Just stay honest with yourself about what guy has serious relationship potential and who doesn't. Life experience has taught me that when deep down you knew better and you did something wrong anyway, THAT is what you really can't forgive yourself for later. If you just try your best and still make some mistakes that is a lot easier to forgive yourself.
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A
male
reader, Overlay +, writes (31 October 2013):
From my own male perspective, I don't think that I would ever have regarded that as a deal breaker, and especially so by the time that I was your age. I had already seen too much sexual activity (both second-hand and affecting relationships in which I had been involved) among both males and females (starting when I was in high school, on through college) to feel justified in expecting (much less demanding) that my future wife be a virgin. I realized that I couldn't do anything about a woman's past activity before she met me. What mattered more to me was her capacity for monogamy/fidelity (both in general, and with me specifically), or that she at least not be having sex with other men at the same time that I was dating her (which happened to me more than once).I applaud and respect your resolve to wait until marriage before resuming sexual activity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2013):
 You know virginity is not a magical thing. Virginity means no penetration. THAT is it.
Should you feel guilty? Why? What will that accomplish? The guilt I mean? It's not like you can change it, even the ridiculous surgery to remake a hymen, it still doesn't make a person a virgin. YOU CAN NOT change the past, you CAN NOT change the fact that you CHOSE to have sex with your BF. You thought HE was the one you would be with forever, which I think is sweet, at least your first was with a guy you loved and was with for quite a while.
If you met a guy who ONLY wants to date/marry a virgin, then guess what? He isn't for you.
Now if you for religious reason wanted to stay a virgin to marriage then you SHOULD have though about that while dating, you didn't.
Honey, stop beating yourself up. IN the future stick to your guns. If you don't WANT to have sex til marriage, then stick to it.
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