A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:So I have a major decision to make. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and I just found out he's quite the liar.Back in January, he went out with his friends and told me they were going one place but I found out they went to a bar. I only found out cause pictures were posted to facebook. He admitted and apologized. Then in August, he went to a football game with a friend and said he was going for food after but instead went to the bar once again. This time he confessed a day or 2 after but I was stunned.Then last week, he actually told me he was going to the bar, which he did, but I found out he flirted with one of my friends who happened to be there and asked for one of the girl's numbers saying they should go out for coffee sometime! The only reason I found out was because my friend told me a few days after! He never said anything and at first denied absolutely everything but then started back paddling and changing his story saying he did talk to a girl and might've gotten her number but he can't remember cause he was so drunk. I've never felt so sick and hurt and stupid in my life! I forgave him for the other times. He knows I don't like bars because my bf drinks too much, his friends aren't a good influence and my last bf cheated on me there. I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine being without him since he's been here for me through some pretty big milestones but is this a deal breaker?? Help!!
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cheated on me, drunk, facebook, flirt, liar Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (17 November 2011):
Expecting him not to go to a bar and have a drink because you dont like bars is too much imho. He needs that bit of social contact and since you are not with him he will talk to other women. Guess what, thats what men and women do. Out of respect for you and not wanting to confront your unreasonable expectations, he lies. Its not a serious lie, nor is getting a girls phone number. Of course it could lead to a much bigger lie but the basic issue is whether you have sufficient compatibility to carry on.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I "got" your "question" from your first two paragraphs....
My "response????? How long do you intend to put up with this scum's lying????
The answer tells you how long you'll be stuck in this intolerable situation...
Please note, there are LOTS of nice guys available to you...THIS ONE, isn't one of them....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2011):
 the going to the bar is not a deal breaker... but the lying is.
the problem is that he feels he has to lie because you made it clear he should not be going to the bar because you dont' like it.
then there's the whole "i was drunk" defense... so not a good defense... so not acceptable.
flirting is one thing
getting a girl's number... totally different.
is it a deal breaker? that's your choice.
for me I would not trust him and trust is critical to me. more than anything else.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 This guy does not sound like he cares much for monogamy or honesty. I'd get out before he actually cheats.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 For the simple fact that every other plan or destination "changed" or for his own reason felt he couldn't dispose to you, I would say trust is not there. Therefore the relationship is not worth it. On top of that he gets drunk to the point where he "can't remember" how things ended up, not good. You are with a guy who you can't trust and who would rather go out and recklessly party with his buddies who are probably single or in party mode as well. He's not serious about his relationship with you so I wouldn't waste my time. Let him go to parties, get drunk, out of control, and wake up wondering who he is. I personally prefer a real solid man compared to that.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Yes, for me it would be a deal breaker. He's already shown you that he lies, and doesn't seem to feel guilty about it until he gets caught. You have to wonder what else does he lie about that you don't know about? Not a keeper!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): You have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you. It would be for me. I don't think he will be faithful to you. Wouldn't it be nice if we could find these things out about people much sooner in a relationship. I think you need to look at the first incident of when he lied- why did you accept that and why would he lie about it?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 To me this would be determined by his reaction, and not the action itself. How does he react when confronted with this? How does he react when busted in a lie? Does he get angry and blames you (tries to twist it around, classic strategy when cornered) or does he own up to his actions, and take responsibility for them?
I say this because I had an ex who went to a party and got a girls number. When I said I didn't approve of that he went into total defensive mode, which to me just proves he sees no fault at all with his actions, will carry on with it, and is quite rude. You can't come to an agreement or see eye to eye, or be respectful of your partner, if when you fuck up you try to blame your wrong-doings on your partner. My ex was yelling at ME for not approving of his picking up other women at parties (I didn't yell, I just said it calmly that I didn't like that). He accused me of not wanting him to meet other people to make friends, that I was trying to lock him indoors so he couldn't go out and talk to others etc. and even accused ME of having gone out and gotten guys numbers, when that never happened.
Such a reaction really seals the deal for me. Had he seen that it was a problem, respected my opinion, and reacted in a mature and respectful manner, it'd be completely different. I've done things boyfriends haven't liked, accepted that it was crossing the line, and not done it again. It's possible to have mature conversations about it.
Now, you don't like your boyfriend going to bars, and while he shouldn't lie about it you don't have a right to tell him where he can or can't go. It's up to you to decide if bar-going makes for a deal breaker or not. However it sounds like it doesn't happen often, since you find out about it every time. And getting a girls number while drunk can happen without there being a further intent in it, when drunk some people just get very friendly and don't mean anything by it.
The easy way to find out if he got her number or not is to check the phone (no snooping, he can check it while you watch) and see if it's there or not. Then judge what to do based on his reaction.
Does sound like you can't deal with this mans behaviour though. He intends to continue going to bars whether you like it or not, and to avoid fights and hazzle he lies about it when he goes to one. Which makes the relationship sneaky and shady. You decide if you want a relationship where the man feels controlled and lies to do things you do not approve of, or if you'd rather just find a boyfriend who doesn't have an interest in going to bars and getting drunk. Such men are out there. My ex never gets drunk, and frequents bars once every 5th year only if there is a solid reason to go. So they exist.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 It would be for me. Getting another girl's number and the continual lying points to a guy who doesn't really believe in the rules of fidelity. Sorry!
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I think you know the answer, yes he may have been the for you through some important times but this person is starting to explore other relationship avenues.
He's lying to you, he's asking for girls numbers, he's going in dates.
That sick feeling your feeling isn't going to go away, he tricked you once, he tricked you twice he has tricked you a third time - these are times you found out about.
Time to move on, it's not easy, come here for support but you will bea million times better without this person in your life - it won't change, he's just not as into you as you are into him.
I'm so sorry if that hurts but thats my honest opinion.
Good luck x
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