A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK this is long!Either my boyfriend doesn't like having sex with me, or he just plain doesn't like sex (I wish I knew which).We've been together nearly three years (I am 30, he is almost 40). Compared to my previous relationships I've always found our sex life a little odd. With my previous boyfriends we always did it at least a few times a week, they would never turn me down, and they alwayys seemd excited and happy when we were doing it. But my current boyfriend is - strange. Even when we first started seing each other We only had sex occasionally, it was always me that initiated it, and whilst we were doing it he just - what cn I say - nver seemed to be enjoying it that much - it seemed like it was just some chore he was doing to make me happy. Most of the time he would only ejaculate though masturbation, with closed eyes, as if he couldn't possibly ge excited near me.Now we hardly ever do it at all, which he seems unbothered by - he'd rather we spent time togethher watching films, or talking, or hanging out with other frieds - which is fine, but I feel really frustrated and like we don't have the intimacy tht other couples have. When I come onto him he often laughs and says "What are you doing?", and when I do persuade him, again, he seems not to enjoy it.I have tried all sorts of things on my ownI've suggested a bit of roleplay or bondage but he said he's "not into that" - even when I try to give him a blow job he bats me away and ayshe "doesn't really like that, it feels weird." (never had any complaints before!)I bought chocolate body paint - he just ate it on toastI have loads of sexy lingerie but he doesn't seem excited by it.I asked him what he would like to do in bed, bbut he just nswered that what we do is fine. Whenever I try and talk about the problem, he changes the subject or acts evasive and I can't get an answer.I don't think there's any problem with my technique, as my previous partners always seemed more than happy with it, I've learned some good tricks over the years if I do say so myself! Even if there is a problem, I can't get him to tell me.The only thing that does seem to excite him (what I kow he masturbates over) is pictures of certain celebrity women ( not porn, he doesn't seem to like porn, just pictures of them in short skirts, lingerie etc). I don't see how I can cater for that as I can't make myself look like -say - Monica Belluci, if I just don't. I do feel I look as good as I can do - I workout regularly, eat healthy, look after my skin and hair etc, so it's not as if I'm ugly enough to put a man off, and he tells me he thinks I'm attractive and comliments my looks a lot.I've got to the point where I really need a second opinion because I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I don't want to end the relattionship because it is brilliant in every othr way - we laugh together, we enjoy each other's company, and most of the time we can tell each other anything, I would really like to consider marrying him one day - but this sex problem is really geting in the way and I just need some advice on what I can possibly do that I haven't already tried!
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male
reader, thebaldsoprano  +, writes (9 March 2012):
Sounds like he's either gay, or quite possibly, asexual. (Yes, such people do exist -- there are quite a lot of them, in fact).
But either way, you deserve (much) better, given the way you write, which expresses a lot of sensitivity and magnanimity (for dealing so patiently with this issue thus far).
You definitely need to talk to him about it, and more to the point, be respectful and compassionate (i.e. don't assume he's "messed up", and if you think he might be gay, be very gentle / playful about bringing up that topic, also).
And keep in mind that it's not the end of the world: you've just come to a crossroads where you've found out that you've learned much more about each other than you knew going into this relationship, and that the time has come to stop limiting each other, and get both of you back on track to the kind of partner/situation you really want.
Best of luck to you both, then.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Hi - I'm the original poster. Thanks for reading.
He is not religious, nor did he have a religious upbringing.
It's difficult to get him to talk about sex other than in a very general way, but from little comments he's made I do sort of get the impression that he had this issue with at least one previous girlfriend and that she got upset about it. He was single for a long period of time (nearly 10 years) before he met his ex, who he was with for just a few months, and then started seeing me around a year after they broke up - so I get the idea he hasn't actually been with that many women.
It's difficult to tell whetehr he enjoys masturbating, but my general impression would be no - I don't think he even does it that often compared to most men. He does get excited by looking at pictures and films of good looking women, but not by films of actual sex (which, call me weird, I would actually prefer as at least I could try and copy it!) he also really likes lapdance clubs and strippers, but was not keen at all on the idea of me giving me a lapdance. It's as if he likes looking at women but the thought of actually having sex with them is a turn off.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 If he masturbates over it, it is porn to him.
It is known that some women have a lot of difficulty orgasming and some never have it. Could the same apply to some people? How much we feel a sensation is different in all of us. How much we enjoy it perhaps as well?
He just doesn't seem to like sex much. It might be physical or religious (if you think sex is a sin, you might not enjoy it even if it feels good) or just his personality (as in some people just don't enjoy laughing, or horror etc).
You say he masturbates but does he enjoy it? It might sound like a silly question but is it? Maybe to him it is just dealing with a biological need rather then something done for pleasure.
Usually in relationships, the sex level changes but that isn't the case right? Do you have any indication he was ever any different?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Sounds like you have tried everything possible but a sex therapist, perhaps you could suggest that? They are good.Its weird he masterbates over pics of celebrity women,when your willing and there, so maybe the therapist can help him with that.
If your sex drives are so different,and he won't try anything,then you have to either accept him as he is or move on.
I don't think its you at all, or anything about you, from what you've said,its just the way he is.
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