A
male
age
41-50,
*alidus
writes:HiOk,i have got myself in a bit of situation, all self inflicted and im not looking for sympathy just advice.I met my partner on line 4 years ago, i was serving in the forces and whilst i was still married, we were not together, i was seeing someone else though.So i met this incredible woman and had to have her...normal male reaction lol...and i did, the first time actually and everytime after that....she was very very sexually outgoing with me, we got together and started a family, and i was head over heals in love with her...Then i found out (about 2 years ago) she had been seeing and cybering with quite a few other guys, by then we had a child so i was a bit trapped...Its been driving me mad for about a year, so a year ago i started seeing and sleeping with anyone i could get hold of, and not being overly discrete either.She knows about a few of them but i have slept with quite a lot more.I know its not right ...but....and this is the point,when i spoke to her about how hurt i was,she brushed it off...sex is sex, i cybered with that guy,some guys can stay hard after they cum why cant you,er lol...anyway, after that i just stopped caring about that side of things with her..in every other way we are great and she is a great mum.Now i get, i cant go on like this, im being unfair,i think sex is special between us and amazing etc etc...But thats now isnt it ? she has my son and really does not have much choice but to say those things "NOW"I dont feel guilty until she cries, then i do but i still secretly enjoy it to...So how much of p***k am i being or am i justified because it was her that made sex seem a non issue...ie she didnt care less about what she said or how she said it. Now she does...but should i.Thanks...bit rambly this, im a first time poster.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Youwish said it best... "You and your wife spit on the very foundation of marriage."
Neither of you deserve or are mature enough to be married....not sure why you even did with the lifestyle and lack of committment either of you have...and to bring a child into this world who has to grow up with these kind of values....I feel sorry for the child. As for the two of you...what you give is what you get...you chose these behaviors, so now you have to live with them...get some help...you both need it.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Validus, it all sounds a bit sick to tell the truth.. reminds me of the film "Bitter Moon".Not sure why you find this all funny? This relationship is dysfunctional. It's not the cheating thing that bothers me, it's the way you relate to each other.She cries and you actually enjoy it.She screws around and then insults your performance in bed, and I guess she enjoys telling you that as well. You guys sound like you actually hate each other but don't want to break up, because you love the pain and the torture.Please can you and her go counselling, whether you stay together, have an open marriage (everyone screws around) or remain faithful and true. You both need some help to work on your mental understanding of how to treat people and what good relationships (with anybody) are all about. I think you've both become addicted to the suffering and the drama, and a good therapist can help you overcome that.Your going to mess up your son big time if you two don't stop this passive aggressive war that you've created. Your not using other people only for sex, your using them to hurt and to wound each other, and both of you are keeping score. I call that lose-lose, and there is nothing funny about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): You guys are in the wrong, both of you, and you need to stop justifying your own behavior.
The way I see it, you have two options, start packing and leave, or start talking about an open relationship. It's not cheating if you both agree it's okay especially within certain terms.
There's nothing wrong with open relationships, but cheating is VERY wrong, all you two are doing is hurting each other and your child. Fix it by TALKING.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): You are both serial cheaters with sex addict behaviours. You come across as narcissitic and have no remorse and feel you have done no wrong. You are an Ultimate abuser.
You both need counselling individual and couples otherwise, you'll both severely damage your son beyond repair with your destructive, abusive marriage VOID Of any WARMTH, FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, INTIMACY and TRUST as all HEALTHY LOVING MARRIAGES HAVE.
So what were you hoping for?
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I think you both are handling the situation like it's some kind of competition. The two of you should have a sit-down chat about the whole situation because, despite what she says, if your wife cries about your cheating I would think she doesn't like it. But if she's been cheating on you...what a conundrum.
Do you secretly enjoy cheating on your wife or do you secretly enjoy her tears over you? Either way, it doesn't sound like something a little counseling can't help.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 March 2012):
 Sounds to me like you two deserve each other, to be honest. You are a cheater who cheated on his first wife, then met and married another cheater who's now cheating on you. So the two of you can live cheatfully ever after.
So what are you looking for for advice??
Stop cheating! You use sex as a weapon. You and your wife spit on the very foundation of marriage. I would tell you to leave her, but I wouldn't want to inflict you on some innocent girl you'll turn around and cheat on. At least this woman you're with is so much like you that you can cheat, she can cheat, and you're not shattering anyone's heart.
I suggest the both of you talk to each other, officially "open" your marriage, and even more importantly, BOTH of you stop being led around by your egos and genitalia, and devote your lives to your son, which is the only really good thing that came out of this nutball exercise of pure mutual selfishness.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 “So i met this incredible woman and had to have her...normal male reaction lol...”
Ummm NO it’s NOT a normal male reaction… a normal male reaction might be “nice, I’d like to hit that” but that would be it… none of this I HAVE to have her” DO NOT validate your bad behavior by saying ALL men would do this.
“we had a child so i was a bit trapped” no you weren’t you can parent and not be WITH the other parent… no one should stay together for the children.
TWO wrongs do not make a right. She is wrong and you are wrong and you are both being evil to each other. YOUR child will suffer.
End the marriage and get on with your life. You don’t love your wife and she doesn’t love you…
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