A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for the length of this but in order for you to give advice, i feel that i must tell you as much as possible. i started working for a large corporate company back in 1998 which i quickly moved up in to management. i met the projects manager. i will just call him James. he was 10 years older than me but i quickly fell for this guy. we had everything in common and he was the sweetest man in the world. the one problem was he was married. but his marriage was falling apart. so we ended up having a secret relationship with the intentions of when he left his wife, we would move in together. now before you judge me, i ended up breaking it off because i couldn't stand the guilt. but we decided to remain friends. a year later i ended up leaving my job and marrying another man. i lost contact with James. i had heard that he did end up getting a divorce. i was married for 12 years and then ended up getting a divorce myself. i decided to go back to my old job this past may of 2010. again, i quickly moved up into management. i ran into James again and it was like a floodgate had hit me and i was in love all over again. well he got remarried. but his marriage again was going sour and he was living with his sister on a trial separation. we decided to get coffee one day just to catch up from not seeing each other for years. well, he was in love all over again too because he basically attacked me. not literally, but we made out for at least an hour. then the phone calls, he would call me every night and tell me how much he missed me and loved me, he would come to my work and we would disappear in the boiler room for a little bit. but then the truth came out that he owed it to his wife to give his marriage another shot. i was devastated but in reality i knew what i was doing was wrong and i cant meddle in to someones marriage. so i told him to not feel guilty, go back to your wife, give it a shot. and if it didn't work out someday, i would be there. i told him i didn't even care if i was with someone else. i would leave him for him because we were meant to be together. so he did, he went back to his wife. so i decided to go on a dating site. and i actually met an incredible man that i have been seeing for 4 months now. i will call him Matt. he is so good to me and treats me like a princess. deeply affectionate and just exactly the type of guy i have always wanted. every moment we spend together is enjoyable and the sex is fantastic. i have said to family that i can see myself marrying this man someday. i am in a bit of a rough living situation and i asked him to think about moving into a place with me because his living situation is crap as well. but i have asked a few times now and he said he would think about it but then never mentions it. too soon in the relationship? i don't know. then James calls me out of nowhere. have not talked to him in months. he tells me that he is getting a divorce and is living in a hotel. said that he is tired of being with women that he is not happy with and needs to be with the only woman in his life that has ever made him happy. me. said he wants to get an apartment and have me move in with him asap. i have no idea what to do, i just all of a sudden wound up in a love triangle that i had no intentions of ever being in. i need advice. Matt is coming over tonight but then he leaves for florida to visit family for 10 days. within those 10 days James wants to meet up with me at the hotel he is staying in. i am so confused and torn on this situation. i don't want to make a bad decision. please any advice would be soooo helpful.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): No, OP. James is a complete dirt bag. Two failed marriages, both of which he cheated on. Those are FACTS.
I'm not surprised that you think so highly of James. Cheaters are typically very charming, that's how they get others under their spell.
The only sane choice here is Matt and giving that relationship a chance. The situation with James is toxic, and will not end well... as all of his relationships seem to go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): NOPE, doesn't change my view. You haven't said anything substantial to say James is a stellar guy. He isn't. He's married. Living in a hotel. He can't give you snot. He hasn't PROVEN anything with actions. Why is he getting a divorce? Because he was caught cheating? He was caught lying?James isn't an honest option. He's still married. He hasn't committed to submitting divorce papers and committed to renting a home- so its not cemented he is even wanting the divorce. That is not the actions of a serious minded man bent on divorce. Those are actions of someone waiting on either woman to make a decision for him. Matt, has been honest all along and hasn't given you reason to not be a trustworthy, faithful, loving man.Chose him.And how you describe both men and at your age- you come across as having narcissistic tendencies as Narcissists tend to put the ones they love up on a pedastal and label them as above and beyond human attributes; they over romanticize and see them as perfect. Because only Narcissist deserve the best. But its hell to pay once objects of affection lose the Narcissist interest.AND, narcissists tend to have a couple to few 'love' interests on the go, close to serial dating, as they cannot be without their constant feed of attention they get from their 'lovers'. Maybe its time to take this to individual counselling to scrutinize your motivations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou guys aren't hearing the entire story. i don't judge james at all because he is an amazing man. he's done so much in his life for people and for animals. just a sweetheart. he's an incredibly sexy person inside and out. james and i have an unbelievable magnetism. i am completely defenseless against him and he tells me that he feels the same way. he has insisted to me many times that i am the only woman that came into his life that has even made him think of cheating. my actions were terrible, i basically seduced him. thats why i ended it the first time. i was 23, he was 33, we were in different spots in our lives. now being 34 and 44 and having no effect on this divorce he's going through now, i feel that if i was to be with him, i would have constant love and security because he's not as you all say. it's not just sexual with james. i was in icu with a collapsed lung, and he was right there holding my hand, we have been to all sorts of places together. the dinners and the rock climbing. the custom made music cd's he made me. the car shows. helping me set up my pool. helping me hang my christmas lights. james has been a constant part of my heart and mind for 14 years. but i really care about matt. james has always been the lost love i never could obtain. now i have the chance to obtain him and make him happy. i feel like if i dont take that chance, i will hurt him again, and i will miss out on the greatest relationship i could ask for. but will i be happy if i leave matt? matt can't offer me the security james can but the love he gives me is phenomenal. every time i am with matt, it is electrifying. ever since our first date. we hit it off right away and continue to amaze each other with our personality's. so much in common. i have not been lying to matt as the anonymous person said because i have not done anything wrong. i just have not told him about james. i have not seen james and i have decided that i am not going to see him while matt is away. i owe it to matt to not see james behind his back. i am a better person than that and matt didn't do anything wrong. i am still unsure of what exactly to do. all i know is i have to hurt somebody. so without thinking james is a complete dirt bag, does that change anyone's view to the situation?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I think you need to take a hard look at your own actions too, though James seems awfully "slick". I mean honestly, BOTH times while he was married he started up affairs.
The reason he keeps coming back to you is because you don't seem to judge him at all. You seem to find his behavior acceptable.
But if you DO look at his actions what do you see? A man who doesn't seem to respect the woman he is with, that his SEXLIFE is more important then anything else.
James want to have you around for sex that is obvious. What I just don't get is WHY you think if you DO start something with him, that you can trust him or even... respect him. How long do you think it would take for him to cheat on YOU if you got together?
And yes, I think Matt is being smart. 4 months is kind of early to move in and maybe he get a vibe of you that you aren't 100% sure what you want.
If you want Matt, you need to drop James 100% and visa versa.
You need to figure out who you want and WHAT you want from a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): You really need to take a long look at yourself here- you involved yourself with someone who was married and who is a cheater, who treated you horribly and yet you let him back into your life without a second thought and you seem to feel no remorse or regret for your actions here. Now you have someone who is good to you and you're lying to him. Nothing good will ever come of this dishonesty and drama.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): James is a cheating creep. Look at his patterns of behaviour. He's a serial cheat. He gets off on the chase and sneaking around, then sex.
With Matt, you have the beginnings of a real, loving relationship not based on lies, sex, and drama.
How do you not see Matt is the CLEAR, Healthy choice?
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