A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and galsSo for the past 5 years I have been in a relationship with a man who has massive anxiety issues, ocd , depression and has control issues to which be has admitted.Before I start I should mention, we are not engaged , we do not live together nor do we have any kids together.So five years in and I can say its been hard , it doesn't get any easier. I love him a tremendous amount , enough to deal with what he puts me through regularly due to his issues.Recently we had a pretty big fall out to the point where we split but somehow we fell back in. So now we are back in I have a few more issues to cope with, he wants a child I do not (due to all his mental issues and the fact we live separately with no intention of living together I would be raising the child alone and he would continue to live like a bachelor) For five years he has stopped me from getting a dog after him knowing I have had dogs all my life. When I first met him my spaniel had just passed away.So I expressed this want and need for a dog in my life and he has told me I have broke his heart by suggesting wanting a dog and that a dog would massively complicate our relationship. I should mention at this point I see him for 4 hours a week each Friday. How would a dog complicate anything ?I just want some more opinions on whether I should just get a dog and face the consequences or whether I should leave him? I'm at a loss. Is this an issue or is it petty? Can anyone with similar mental issues chime in and help me see it from another perspective? Or is it flat out control?Please any help appreciated I love this man but I'm not happy without a dog for this long , it's killing me. I love him but I don't want to lose him, I would love to have him and a dog but I don't think that is ever going to be a thing.What's your opinionThanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): @WISEOWLE He will not take anything to do with the dog as WE LIVE SEPARATELY. He doesn't like dogs at all and it's not due to allergies or fears, he just doesn't like animals. Also for everyone who gave me advice I HAVE PUT A DEPOSIT ON A PUPPY.i thank you all for the advice I am moving on with my life now due to all the helpful feedback. @wiseowle the only part of your advice I follow is the get a dog, the rest feels like a lecture and not supportive at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): Why do you only see him for 4 hours a week once per week? After 5 years together that sounds like a bigger problem than the dog issue. As it stands he wouldnt even know if you had a dog or not if you didnt tell him. 100% dont get pregnant with someone you are not living with!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): Advice is usually wasted when we get this disclaimer:
"I love him but I don't want to lose him,..."
Now check this out:
"So I expressed this want and need for a dog in my life and he has told me I have broke his heart by suggesting wanting a dog and that a dog would massively complicate our relationship."
Seems to me the relationship is a hot mess without a dog!
"So for the past 5 years I have been in a relationship with a man who has massive anxiety issues, ocd , depression and has control issues to which be has admitted."
Good reasons to just breakup.
Get a dog...AND a new boyfriend!!! Make sure the animal isn't suffering from all the same psychological and emotional issues.
When you're a child, you have to ask your parents for permission to have a pet. When you're an adult, you discuss the intention to getting a pet. You're grown, discussion is a courtesy. You go get one, if you really want one. Unless your partner has severe allergies to fur or pet dander. If you've always known he has a phobia towards dogs; or you're too irresponsible to assume full responsibility for the care and grooming of your dog. It's your full responsibility, and he has no dog in that hunt! Pardon the pun!
He's right, if he has to clean-up after YOUR dog! He shouldn't have to be bothered. He's right, if you get a pet; and don't know how to train and discipline it. If he ends-up doing most of the work; or finds himself sharing the financial responsibility for vet bills and inoculations. If he has to reach in his pocket to cover damages done by the pet; or being sued, if the dog bites someone.
I'm scratching my head in confusion. You described a terrible boyfriend at the very start of your post! I think not getting a dog is the least of your problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): Why are you asking him if you can get a dog. You get one end of. You do not need his permission.
As for this being a relationship, no it is not. 4 hours a week after five years is not a relationship at all.
You are allowing him to decide everything and control your life but giving you back nothing in return.
You say he has mental health problems. That would be a deal breaker for me. You say it is just a few hours a week. Another deal breaker. There are at least six deal breakers in what you tell us here. Either you are totally in love with the idea of having a boyfriend and put up with anything rather than be single - which is sad, vey sad - or you need to start being more selfish and grown up.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 May 2021):
 What sort of a relationship is this where, after 5 years "together", you only see each other once a week for 4 hours? Is it just to meet up for sex? (Sorry, I have to ask.) Why have you allowed this man to exercise control over your life for so long?
My heart always falls when I read a list of issues/problems followed by the predictable "I love him" because that, to me, tells me we can advise to the moon and back but nothing is likely to change. I'm glad you at least have the sense to realize that, if you choose to get pregnant by this individual, you will be raising the child alone.
How much longer are you going to waste on this ersatz relationship? I think getting a dog is the least of your worries. A bigger priority should be asking yourself why you have wasted 5 years on someone who wants no commitment, not even a proper relationship, and who you allow to control your life in every way. How much longer are you going to waste on him? "I love him" does not make everything ok. You need to ask yourself why you love a guy who treats you in this way.
Bottom line: drop the pretend relationship. After that start to make your own decisions, do what you feel is right for you and never ever allow someone to have such control over your life again. You are worth better.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 May 2021):
 I'm sorry to say OP but this relationship does not sound very healthy at all.
I know he has had his problems, to which he has admitted to you. But in all honesty OP, five years into this relationship and you only see him for 4 hours on a Friday.
Do you honestly envisage this relationship progressing into something more serious.
Considering the small amount of time that you actually see him why are you let him influence your decision in getting a dog?. I fail to see what it has got to do with him, as lets face it you are not really a major part of each others lives.
In all honesty again OP, i don't think that the pair of you are a good fit, and i think in your heart of hearts you know this is true.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (19 May 2021):
 Short and sweet...get a dog, drop the boyfriend. A dog can offer much joy and companionship and will ask for nothing in return except your love and to be taken care of. Your boyfriend is ridiculous and gives you only 4 hours a week. Oh honey...you deserve so much more!
I love animals and would never let someone tell me that I shouldn't have one. That person would be loooooong gone from my life. I'm especially a cat lover and I can't tell you how much joy and happiness my cats bring into my family's lives. They are members of our family and are loved pampered and spoiled. When I married my husband I warned him that we came as a package deal...me and the cats. He had grown up and had never had a pet and was a little wary of having cats but he knew I was not about to give up my cats. Guess who is now the cat's favorite human? Yep! My husband. Guess who spoils the cats and talks baby talk to them? Yep..my husband.
Find yourself a sweet pooch and a sweet man who loves pooches. You'll be much happier! Don't sacrifice your happiness for a selfish man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2021):
 You know OP, your relationship doesn't sound happy or healthy for you AT ALL.
You sound like you are in a somewhat caretaker role and that you will NEVER have a family with him. You will never LIVE together.
I think NOT having a child with this guy is sensible.
I think DATING his man, is not.
You can LOVE someone and NOT be a good match.
It seems like HE gets to set the rules and you follow them "blindly" with the "excuse" that you love him.
If you love someone that doesn't mean YOU can't be your own person. If you want a dog, I'd get a dog.
But it seems like you are so used to doing what you are told, that you rather NOT "upset" him than follow your heart and have a dog.
I do find it ironic that HE wants a kid but you can't have a dog? Even though NEITHER kid nor dog would BE his responsibility. How is a dig MORE of a complication than a child? Oh, wow.
I have to say this, I don't know why you are with him. Yes, you love him but you see him for 4 hours once a week and you still let him dictate your life. Overall, you two seem incompatible.
Is he controlling? Not really, because YOU can make this choice to get or not get a dog - to date this guy or not.
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