A
female
age
36-40,
*hannon222
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We have been extremely happy together. We hardly have even have gotten into fights. Recently I have noticed that he has been a little more distracted. Our friend did move in with us a month or so ago. We have been friends with her for a little over a year. She was actually my friend first. I did kind of have the feeling that she might like him a little more than a friend... But I thought I could trust him. Now I am finding out that a couple of weeks ago she confessed her love for him. He did not mention this to me as he didn't want me to hate her. We have been very good friends and he is a loving guy. I guess he thought that it would all be alright. I work overnights and came home to find her in my bed with my boyfriend. They were not undressed and he was turned away from her. He swears that she came in there to talk to him and they fell asleep. I was very upset with that, of course. In talking to him he admitted that she did kiss him and he didn't stop her. He swears that nothing else happened. He says that he does have feelings for her, but he loves me and doesn't want the relationship to end. He says he is happy with me. But he also feels that he has betrayed me and he should leave because of that. I am at a crossroad. I love him with all my heart. We have been together for so long and were discussing marriage in the next few years. But I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I know that he feels terrible about it. He is a sensitive man. We have been crying in each others arms since this has happened(3 days ago) And I know that I will be able to forgive him one day. We are both considering to possibly try and make things work. I told him that it would not be the same, he would have to show that I really matter if we were to make things work. He thinks that he is scum right now. He doesn't think that he deserves me. He says he doesn't want to leave me, but he is afraid that he isn't good enough for me. I think I would like to try and work things out. I think the huge love that we have for each other will prevail... But should I feel like that? Or should I really just step away. I can't imagine my life without him... but I am afraid that it's not going to be real to me anymore. What should I do? Please help!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I think you should give him a second chance. You have known him for 3 years and you are the better judge of his character.
Nobody is perfect and in life, sometimes we are faced with new challenges and we may fail the first time.
Time will heal your wounds and this setback may strengthened your relationship in the long run.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): You need to leave him. No one deserves to get cheated on. What would you tell your daughter to do if you had one and she was in the same situation?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): I think your boyfriend is too afraid to break up with you. He "has feelings" for another woman, fooled around with her in the bed you share, and now he wants to leave because he feels bad.
He wants to leave, but he wants you to make the decision to end the relationship.
"He has agreed to not talk to her if we try and work this out"
So if the two of you part ways, does that mean he's going to run straight to her? I think you are too young to put up with ANY kind of infidelity. End it. Deal with the pain of the break up and move on. You'll be saving yourself a lot of heartache later on.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I agree that first and foremost the other girl MUST go. She is no friend to either of you. I'm not saying that he deserves to be forgiven, I'm not saying he doesn't.... but having that kind of temptation around is bad.
Truthfully, he should have been honest with you from the start about everything... her expressing her love, etc. He doesn't sound like a 100% stone cold cheater so if you really care about him I'd say it's not exactly a stupid idea to give him another chance but you have to make it clear that you don't trust him right now. It's going to take time and he's going to have to earn that trust.
Looking back from the future this may be the turning point in your relationship that brought you closer together or this could be the point where you found out what kind of guy he really was.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, shannon222 +, writes (21 April 2010):
shannon222 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I did already kick her out. I did that the same day. And I do believe that he loves me and doesn't want to leave. I think he is a good guy that made a dumb ass mistake... But I guess only time can tell. He has agreed to not talk to her if we try and work this out. But I haven't been the jealous type and I don't want to turn around and be that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): My gut reaction: dump him and the friend. This will only get worse, and if not her than someone else.
BUT, you love this guy and love is not that easy. It sounds like she was the antagonizer and he didn't stop her. Almost as bad, but not quite. If you really wanna make things work you need to take her out of the equation. Kick her ass out ASAP! Then have a long, serious talk with your boyfriend about what you expect from eachother, and about where this relationship is going. He doesn't consider it a fling does he?!
When he says that he is scum and he doesn't deserve you, translate that into: "I screwed up and I dont have the balls to dump you. It would be easier for you to dump me than for us to work this out". A relationship takes equal effort, so if he isn't willing to hold up to the same standards and put in the same work, than you will just have a bigger break up later. Get those ideas and truths out there now and expect all or nothing.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Oops! I misread. He did kiss her. Damn... and I was sooo rooting for this dude.
Please ignore my previous post.
And yeah, dump them both. He didn't stop her? Right there, that's a deal breaker in my book.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (21 April 2010):
dude, relax... btw, in CA we call everyone dude, I know youre a girl... still, RELAX.If ANYONE should leave, it's your friend. SHE betrayed you, not him. SHE crossed the line, not him.Why are you yelling at him for? He did NOTHING WRONG.She went to lie down next to him to talk. They fell asleep. She tried to kiss him and he stopped her. WHAT DID HE DO WRONG?! NOTHING.Sorry for yelling but I have to get it through to you. Nothing's changed other than you have a scummy friend.He didn't cheat on you if what he's telling you is the truth, which it sounds like it. If he's always been this emotional then you know it's genuine. If he's being abnormally emotional then maybe something is wrong. But you know the answer to that.Either which way, SHE should be out of your house, not him.From the story you told us, sounds like he did the right thing and you're yelling at him because of YOUR insecurities, not because of anything he did and that's just wrong. So stop it already and move on. You can still trust him.She's no friend of yours, that's for sure.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 The 'friend' has to go, ... you can't have her living in your house and expect to have any peace of mind.
That he feels like scum is good coz it may make him man up to see how he has frivolously hurt another person and risked your relationship.
Only time will tell tho if he has changed or is just remorseful in this moment, ..and also if you can ever truly deal with it and let it go.
It wont work tho if you find it eating at you for too long, you can't regain trust, or cant help throwing it in his face forever.
Not that you should or will just be able to drop it next week, ...might take a year, everyone is diff, but if you are going to forgive it, you have to forgive it in your heart, not your mind or with words.
If you just can't, then you need to do what is right for you and end the pain by moving on.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 April 2010):
Be realistic here, and listen to your head. You have a boyfriend who has cheated with your first friend. That's very low. And now he's playing the emotional blackmail card by claiming 'he's not good enough' and that he's 'scum right now'. In other words, he's telling you what you want to hear. I don't think it did go further than sex, but you are still young, and can meet a better guy. If he really loved you, he just wouldn't have hurt you this way. He just wouldn't. With my first girlfriend, I thought I'd never go on without her. Then she cheated. So we split. Now a few years later I'm with someone a million times better. The point being you may love him, but you can do better than him.
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