A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My bf broke up with me because his friends didnt like me. They put an enourmous amoutn of strain on our relationship. Obviously, his friends and their opinions are important to him. And I can understand him wanting his friends to like me and for me and his friends to get along etc. But the thing is, there reasons for not likeing me are so superficial and unfair I think.They dont like me because I'm not "cool" like them. I'm more of a "nerd" I guess you could say. I would rather read, or do something articistic then go out and party. I dont have anything in common with them. All they talk about is alcohol really...I never felt comfortable around his friends because they were so rude to me. They would either ignore me or pick on me and put me down and basically have no respect for me what so ever. My bf never stood up for me. Anyway so my bf broke up with me because of this. One month later and now he says he wants me back. He says hes realised whats important. He says he doesnt care what his friends think anymore. He says that he wants me and that we can make it work. He says he realises now that he places too much emphasis on what his frineds think and not enough on me. I dont really know what to do. Do I take him back? I dont think I can go through the same thing again, where his frineds put me down and disrespect me etc and tear our relationship to parts. What do you think made him change his mind? Why couldnt he see this before breaking up with me? I feel like so much damage has been done now and its going to be hard (maybe impossible?) to re build our relationship. Can our relationship ever work? If so, how? What can I and him do to make it work? Or is it best to just move on?
View related questions:
broke up, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you all for the great advice. I was honestly expecting people to tell me I was overeacting and should accept it- because thats was always my bf's attitude.
softtouchmale2003- I know his friends probably would of been atleast a bit jealous that he was spending time with me which he used to spend with them. But he still saw them alot- atleast once a week on the weekend (if not more!), plus every weekday at work. I think thats fair...
But the thing is, he would always say he would rather choose to spend time with me than with them. I tried to encourage him to spend time with his friends as much as possible because I know what its like to lose your friends when you are in a relationship, and I don't want that to happen to me or to him.
A reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009):-
It really hurts that he didnt stand up for me. But he tells me that he didnt need to. He down plays what they say and do. He makes it out to be no big deal. Or be pretends he doesnt remember, and then blames the fact that he was drunk so thats why he didnt defend me because he wasnt thinking clearly like a sober person.
It hurts when I am out with him and his friends and his friends are putting me down and my bf stands there in silence or agrees with them. Then I have RANDOM GUYS who see what is going on and they come up and defend me. Why cant my own bf do that? Why does a stranger have the guts to do it and not him?
Me and my bf get along great when it is just us 2. We do have alot in common and we always have so much fun. When it is just us and not his friends everything is smoothe sailing. And when he hangs around my friends (which is rare, spend most of the weekends with him and his friends) he gets along with them well too. My friends respect him and make a good effort to get to know him and include him in on the conversations. His friends dont do that for me.
Part of me wants more from life and a relationship other then spending every friday night, saturday (day and night) and sunday at parties and surrounded by people who just drink and drink non stop. So it doesnt help that on top of being in a lifestyle which isnt what I want, I am with people who bad mouth me and put me down, behind my back and to my face.
I keep telling him that if we both want to make this work then we need a plan of how to deal with these problems. I asked him what will happen next time his friends put me down. And his response was for me to "jsut not worry about it, it doesnt matter what they think". He didnt mention that he would stand up for me.
I asked him how he will deal with his friends not being supportive of our relationship when they clearly influence him alot...his response was, "I dont care waht they think". If he doesnt care what they think then why is he too afraid to stand up for me?
I cant be around his friends again if they are going to put me down. To be honest, I find them very intimidating and I am so scared to be around them. I dont want to go back to that place where I felt so disrespected and devalued.
I dont think his friends will ever change their opinion of me either. They have judged me and people dont really change their judgements of a person. Maybe if I became more like them then they would- but I dont want to be like them.
I guess I know what I should do...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 October 2009):
This guy didn't stand up for you then dumped you because his friends didn't like you. Hardly that knight in shining armour, is he? More like a tin can man. you can do better than a guy who won't stand up for you. Don't bother with him, and find someone who will care about you and like you for who you are. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Hi
Wow! So you went through a rough time. The worst of it is that he didn't once stand up for you!
You know what makes a boy a man? His ability to live life on his own terms and what can you expect of a sad little boy who couldn't even stand up for a woman he chose. Friends being important is one thing but he sounds rather wishy-washy.
Besides, you are a creative intellect-loving lady and he is a party-hopper (as I am assuming from his very tight friend circle). Well, did you two connect well, was the relationship otherwise well? Did you have a lot in common and a budding friendship? Did it look like things would go on to be great between the two of you?
And, if his friends hated you, you could have spent sometime together connecting. Did that happen a lot?
You know, I think that you should not go back to such a guy. Ultimately, it will be one thing or the other. Always. You can break someone's habits, but really difficult to change the lifestyle.
OF course, if you really think that this relationship carries a lot of potential then accept his friendship for now, and see where that leads and whether he means that he has changed. But do it VERY SLOWLY.
Love
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 His friends are pigs. He let them tell him what to do in his life.
You, on the other hand, have things that you do in your life that are less raucous than drinking and partying. So his friends may have been jealous that you were pulling their drinking buddy away from them.
With respect to your ex, I think maybe if he wants to give up alcohol as a hobby, he might actually have a better chance with you.
But if he's going to hang out with a bunch of drunken party animals it will not work out for you. He's obviously lonely in that lifestyle. You were something special in his life and he let other people interfere with it.
Therefore, if you want him back, he's going to have to make some major changes to his lifestyle.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): If you take hm back, what will change?
You'll still have to go out with the same friends who will do the same thing and you'll get sick of it again.
I dont see the point of waisting anymore time on a relationship when you two just arnt compatable. He may seem nicer to you but trust me he is just like his friends, thats why he hangs out with them.
Its time for you to meet someone new who likes similar things that you do
...............................
|
