A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is visiting from out of the country and will stay for a week. He's done that before, but this time, he is bringing a friend (I live in New York City, he and friend in a small town in France). I work from home, in a small one bedroom apartment, and have been uncomfortable about this from the beginning, and said so. His friend is a nice guy, but I need my apartment. He promised me that if I had a lot of work, his friend would get a hotel. I am swamped, and now my he seems to have forgotten about that promise. I know money is tight all around, and I don't want to be ungracious, but, I need my apartment. I need to get up early and don't want to be tiptoeing around sleepyheads on vacation. I don't know how to play this. I am resentful, but at the same time, don't want my boyfriend's friend to feel uncomfortable. How can I say something to my boyfriend about this without it turning into a scene? Am I out of line? Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): Sweethehart, you need to get to grips with assertive behaviour. To say 'okay' to something when you mean 'no way' and then to let it build up over time to deep resentment and then whip your agreement away last minute when everyone will be dramatically inconvenienced without warning, (you had a lot of warning about your potential inconvenience and didn't have to agree,) is classic passive/aggressive behaviour. Fortunately there is an elegant solution: man-up at the point of initial discussion. Be yourself. Be clear. Be truthful. Now, if you pull your promise you are acting aggressively since it is not the friend's fault that you initially said something you didn't mean. You might want to analyse your relationship with your bf? Do you regularly feel intimidated into saying things you don't mean? Just with him or with everyone? If the latter, it really is time for assertiveness and self-respect training - if it's just him, time to start a clear and open dialogue with him about your communication limits. Good luck, and don't play the drama queen with the poor friend - he's the innocent party remember.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Just speak up lovingly with your bf that you can not accomodate the friend too. Your work and life are demanding and you need your refuge of your place without the pressure of hostessing.
"My love, I am sorry and I know this is disspointing for your friend. I can hostess for a dinner/lunch/take you out to coffee while he is here, but that is all I can offer."
You did talk about your discomfort with the arrangement before and he forgot. It is up to you to remind him and lay out your own needs and boundaries.
Did your bf invite his friend and sort of play along that you would be ok with it? This might be a good opportunity to discuss with him future expectations about your place and extra guests.
There may be some cultural differences about hostessing friends and friends of friends. Some of my German friends did not realize that it was a huge inconvienience for me to hostess them for more than a few days. It is customary for them to host guests up to a month!
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I think CindyCares said it perfectly... and if it helps the 'brave-smile' be more convincing, just remind yourself that this is temporary and they have likely already booked a return flight. You only have to do it until that day arrives...
If its possible, take your laptop to a coffee shop for some quiet time to get some work done.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 You have been out of line before, in saying yes to such an inconvenient arrangement when you already knew you had no space for guests and you are working from home. You could have said, sorry love, no can do- now, what's the point of saying yes then resenting it ?
I think now you only have two options :
- grace under pressure; stiff upper lip, and tiptoe around the sleeepyheads with a smile bravely pasted on your face.
- offer to pitch in for your guest's hotel accomodation ( or to pay in full if you can afford it ). You can't really invite people then disinvite them last minute, so if the poor French friend has ben led to believe he was getting free accomodation at least for some time , that's what he should get. Tell him that something at work came up so you have to ship him to the hotel ( which you'll help to pay ) and that you'll be happy to hang out whenever you aren't working.
And next time , remember, never say Yes when you mean No , even for the most charming and seductive of the Frenchmen :)
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