A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday afternoon we were on the phone and had a small argument. I wasnt aware of my tone and how I said it but he asked me where I was going (i was driving home from school) and I said "Where else would I go? I'm going home" and he got defensive and retaliated by saying "damn how was I suppose to know" and hung up on me. So i called back and asked why he was so defensive and in the end I apologized and told him I didnt mean to sound that way. Then snapped back saying "Well you better be" (sorry that is). and hearing him say that hurt me, because I had already admitted to being sorry, wasnt that enough? I told him we'd talk later.So Its been about a day and I havent heard from him. Should I call or just wait for him to make a move? I've always been the one to call first to say sorry and fix things..but I had already apologized. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I know this can't be easy. What really drove this home for me was that he was emotionally punishing you by playing a game which YOU bought him, and the legendary edition on top of that (you dropped a cool $100 at least on him), yet he treats you like this.
This shows me that you deserve far better than him. You deserve someone who cherishes you as equally and fervently as you cherish them.
High school's over. Time to live your life with new eyes and new standards and new ambition. Good luck on your college finals.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys have been supportive, so thank you for that. After my class today I'm going to break up with him, and I'm confident in myself that I can do this. If he tried to make things right, its just too late. He had 2 1/2 days to do something and he didn't (and who knows how long he would of went on for). This isnt the kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life. This is it. I'll keep you guys updated tonight about how everything goes. If you have any last minute advice, I'd love to hear it. I have already stuffed all his stuff into a box. We had a nice run, but I'm done. Ive had enough.YouWish, thank you so much. That was what I needed. Your advice was the most impacting thing I have read, and I definitely will not look back on my decision, I can't allow this to be tolerated.
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male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 This does sound like someone who has to be in control and likes to have the 'power'. Which leaves you in a difficult position. You are going to have to make a decision, but I'd wait till after your finals and not worry about it until after them, about whether you're going to be happy being with someone who will try to make you be in the wrong so you have to be saying sorry every time something crops up. Or you can either try attempting to change this 'power mad' instinct or leave it altogether once you've figured everything out.But you definitely are better than to be treated with the disrespect of making you having to say sorry and always be on the submissive foot. You are a much stronger girl who deserves someone who will treat you as an equal in every department, if he can't give you that then you must think long and hard about where this relationship will end up. Good luck for your finals.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 December 2012):
The reason why we date at all is to get to know someone well. Sure, we get those love chemicals and feelings mixed in there, but we spend the time we do dating and being in a relationship to get to know the person well and vice versa.
In this whole exchange and the standoff you're now in, you've now learned something profound about this guy. You've discovered a potentially serious RED FLAG, one that goes far beyond this insignificant little spat.
I always say that when a girl is interested in a serious relationship with a guy, one near-infallible indicator of your life together rests in how he treats his parents.
In this case, his brother revealed that he treated his own mom like this -- he shut her out in an attempt to emotionally punish her and wouldn't let up until she relented. His brother also revealed that you would "have" to talk to him, otherwise he would act like nothing's wrong to the outside world while putting you through hell for daring to have an argument with him over something insignificant.
This is emotional abuse.
This is the future of your life with him. You will win no fight, because he will have you so cowed and scared that he will shut you out for anything you dare disagree with. It will work because you'll cave and call him just to have it over with, and when he deigns that you've "had enough", he'll talk to you again until the next time you cross him. Then he'll hang up on you and shut you out again.
Like you said, you need to concentrate on your life, your future, your college. You must never allow any other human being to have this kind of power over you. You must shut this guy out of YOUR life, because you're not in high school anymore, and this is no soap opera. You'll never have these years back again, and what you do determines what kind of life you'll have. You are squandering your life with him, and he treats you for granted. You're selling your soul for a guy who can shut you out at will.
Tell me, would you put up with someone who rates Youtube videos higher than you?? I'm not saying that people don't get sarcastic or agree or disagree or argue, but mature people in love make it right. You made it right with him, and he's not done punishing you yet. That isn't his place.
Break up with him. Stop talking to his brother. Stop pining for him. Stop the game that's worked between him and his mother and everyone else he has ever done this to. You are not a kid anymore. You're an adult who has choices over who you choose to spend your life with, and he's not measuring up, and his behavior is disturbing.
You know where he lives. Go to his house, look him in the eyes, and tell him that you won't tolerate how he handles an argument. Tell him that you're through, and that you wish him a good life. If he gets the message, he has some serious apologizing to do. If he continues to play the game by avoiding you, pretending that you're not there, or whatever, then email him your breakup and delete him from your phone and Facebook.
You can't afford to waste time on things that hinder your future, nor can you tolerate emotional abuse and withholding for one second. You can't rationalize it, and you must train yourself to go utterly cold and indifferent towards anyone who treats you like this. His behavior must make him repulsive to you, because no one who is in love with another person has it in them to treat them like this. He can't be allowed to have his ego stroked in reward for this horrible treatment one more second.
And you need to live the life of a mature adult who won't settle for this. Ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is what the brother said:
"Ohh ok so he isn't too agitated with anything at the moment, he is currently on the computer watching YouTube videos. But it's ok! He is really aware oflike everything cause he takes care of me so I know like the tone and stuff. He gets mad but can't stay at it for long so I bet he was just angry at somthing at that time. Problem is, he is hard headed so you got to do the calling otherwise you two won't talk for a long long time, he did that with mom once."
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (3 December 2012):
There probably is no harm in asking him to see if there's anything up with your boyfriend or anything. But as Cerberus said, there's a strong chance that the brother may tell your boyfriend about what you've asked.
But that probably won't matter too much unless your boyfriend doesn't like it. As everyone has been saying though, you need to focus on your studies and not your boyfriend get to you. He may not be around in the future so you don't want him to ruin yours. Hopefully it will just blow over and you'll kiss and make up very soon and have a long happy relationship together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): If you like OP but everything you tell him his brother will say it back to him I'd say. As long as you don't mind that then go ahead.
OP your boyfriend probably doesn't even realize something is wrong, you'd never know. This may be one of those things that is a simple phone call that eases your mind. Who knows?
Ask the brother if you like.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWould it be strange for me to ask his brother for advice about his brother (my boyfriends) behavior and what the best thing for me to do is? He knows his brother very well. His brother is around his age and is very kind. I am friends with his brother so its not too random.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2012):
 I would seriously just let him stew. Focus on your studies. No guy is worth getting bad grades over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Well screw it then OP, your peace of mind takes precedence then if you have finals to deal with and you're losing focus over this. Call him now, get this out of the way. Just ask him how he is etc. he may just be leaving you alone to study. So just call him and sort this out, no point in stewing over it if it's going to negatively impact your study.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a really rough time, because he knows this weekend is really crucial because its the weekend before finals. He knows ive been extremely stressed, and I have a lot on the line for these finals. So i cant really do anything but just study. But that leaves a lot of time to myself and quietness...which leads to my brain wandering off and wondering why he hasn't made and effort to do anything. I play Halo4 with him all the time, and most of the time with his friends too. I know what its like. I even bought him the legendary edition because I knew Halo 4 was something he reallyyy liked. Now if he does call, I dont even know what to say anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Just to add, the best advice I can give you is to stop checking up on him, stop waiting for his call and just get on with your own life, go out with girlfriends, hang around with friends, go bowling, shopping, doing stuff.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): Ah I get it, Halo 4 the bane of my life at the moment. Me and my girlfriend got that and have been playing quite a bit since we did, the bitch is better than me too, keeps kicking my ass. She's had a few tired days at work this week because of that game and has been a bit cranky because of it too.
Look just let him off for now, you know what he's doing and how he's living at the moment, tiredness and crankiness are just going to be the way he is, you'd be surprised how multiplayer shooters can suck you in and make you volatile.
Keep your cool and relax, let him call you first and when he does be friendly but do not let what is happening slide either OP. You will have to talk to him about his attitude that day and how he talked to you. That's not on but I think you need to catch him in a better mood for him to be able to see it that way. He's in competitive mode now OP, shooting up fuckers, winning and getting beat, his mindset is going to be competitive so it's very likely he'll be combative if you chase him him up on this. Patience here OP, but do not be a soft touch either and let him get a pass on what he said either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:Still no call from him yet, its been about a little less than 2 days. On the night of the argument he was playing Halo (xbox) with his friends. Last night he played with them until 1am (there's an app that lets you check your stats and who was last online). I havent called or texted him anything since the argument. To Uncle PJ, He is no a possessive boyfriend, it was just another phonecall and we ask each other questions but not to be possessive, just small talk/curious. Everything was going fine before this, we regularly text, we talk to each other everyday, especially at night before we sleep.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2012):
I'd stop calling him til he calls back and apologize, you already did - he owes you one too.
And I will second Cerberus - don't talk/text while driving.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (2 December 2012):
Sounds like you are both not ready for a relationship. Respect and understanding are two important ingredients that you havent mastered yet. You may have caused that argument but his childish behaviour was no better.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 December 2012):
Nope. Leave it.
It's interesting that you've always been the one to call first and say sorry? His ego wants that all the time now. He wants to you grovel and smooth his feathers, or he wouldn't have said "Well you better be".
Also, if you want respect from a guy, NEVER be the one to call back if he hangs up on you, no matter who is right or wrong. No one hangs up on the other person. If he ever pulls that crap again, do not communicate with him unless HE calls back. And tell him never to hang up on you again, no matter how mad he is.
He's trying to strongarm you. Don't give into that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2012): You were on the phone while driving? Tut-tut OP.
Let him call, you apologized and his answer was very smarmy. I'd pull him on that OP, and tell him you don't appreciate that. But let him cool down first, so just let him make the move.
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male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (2 December 2012):
This seems like a very big exaggeration over something so trivial. And, regardless of your tone, I can't see what you have done wrong.
Is he a rather possessive boyfriend? If so then it may have been a phone call to check up on you, as if he was paranoid that you were up to something and questioning him either hurt him slightly or made him feel stupid for thinking something else.
I don't want to be the one to place ideas into people's heads but generally people who snap at the most trivial of things tend to do so because they have something to hide themselves but then try to displace this by trying to find faults in others. But as I said, I don't want to place an idea into your head that may end up being completely wrong, if nothing seems to be up apart from his reaction then don't think for the worst.
He could just be a boyfriend that has a lot of pride and when what he thought was a normal question was answered slightly sarcastically, it made him feel a little stupid which caused him to lash out. As it is he who is refusing to talk, leave him to it. He'll come around eventually once he has got over whatever it is he is upset about. He may be looking to gain an upper hand over you and want to make you 'grovel' to him to give him a sense of control. I hope this helps and he sorts himself out soon for you.
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