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age
26-29,
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writes: My boyfriend (now ex) and I have been a couple for a couple of months, and have been dating for like a year and a half. (In person, I didn’t meet him online, I met him at uni)He went to an exchange program in February, and he isn’t returning until August. When he left I told him that if he wanted we could make video calls, and we could talk and agree on how often to video call. But he didn’t say anything and he told me he wanted to take a break.I agreed and said “We can keep texting”. And he agreed so we texted every now and then.The thing is, he started posting stories partying and hugging other women. Strangers that I didn’t know, girls he met there. It really hurt my feelings, so I expressed that to him. He told me “They are my friends, I went out to have a good time. If you want, I can hide my stories from you, or I can take you off from the ‘best friends’ list”. I mean, he didn’t even try to compromise. And I told him “There is no need to hide your stories from me.” But guess what he did, he hid them from me.I was really upset and I asked him why he did this, and I also asked him “when you asked for a break, were you actually breaking up with me? It’s confusing for me”. And he was like “I’m sorry you’re right I’m sorry I hurt you. But the next day I posted a similar photo [hugging the same woman I guess, his "friend"] and I didn’t want you to get mad so I hid the stories. I forgot to add you again, sorry. And I think it may be best for us if we break up I think”. I told him “only ONCE you posted a photo hugging me while we were together. But now you post all these photos hugging women you met there, so soon?”. And also I told him “You made me waste all this time, when you actually wanted to break up? What is wrong with you?”We started arguing and I told him “I really think you don’t care about me, at all”. And he was like “I do care about you, it’s that my priorities right now are other things”. And I told him “If you really cared about me you would’ve made time for me and for video calls. But you don’t care about me, not one bit, that’s why you don’t make time for me. I hope some day you learn how to treat people right, the good way, and respectfully, and the way they deserve. I think it’s good that we are breaking up”And after arguing a lot, i told him “You are telling me you can’t make time for me because that’ll ruin your priorities? I think your priorities are going to be fine if you dedicate a little bit of time for me” and he was like “I disagree”. And I was like “you are telling me you can’t give me time? Even a little bit, I don’t know, make a little bit of time for me?” And he replied “I can’t give time, energy, willingness. I don’t have the desire”.That really hurt my feelings and I told him “You should’ve saved that for yourself. I don’t need to know that you don’t care at all. That is just rude. I’m tired.” And he replied “Yes I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that”.And he was like “I already knew long distance wouldn’t work. That’s why my brother breaks up with his girlfriend before leaving. I don’t want to do something I don’t want to do. [meaning putting effort in the relationship]. I don’t want to do that, and I told you this. This is how much I am willing to give, and it’s your choice what to do with this”. And I told him “I got the message. Perfect. You broke up with me when you asked for a break. YOU asked for this.”We kept on talking and I told him “As you said, it is best if we just break up. I wish you the best in everything and happiness”. And he wished the same for me too, and he told me “whatever you need I’m here”. I didn’t replyThis sucks, he showed me how cold and mean he is. What do you think? If he comes back to me once he comes back from the exchange program what should I say? I really love him and it’s really hard.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 April 2022):
 First off, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
*hugs*
"Do you think I was the reason he pulled away or it was because of the exchange program?"
I think, he wasn't looking for anything serious at all. You were in the relationship 100% and he was in it 20%. He LIKED the idea of a GF, he liked the idea of YOU as his GF, but he also wanted to do his own stuff as a single dude. This is why he KNEW that joining the exchange program would give him an "out" at some point in the relationship.
I think this is a case of, HE just wasn't as into you as you were into him.
He isn't mature enough for an ACTUAL grown-up relationship. He sounds pretty immature, OP.
This isn't about YOU not being "good enough". You two just had VERY different expectations about relationships.
And that means, HE isn't a good match for you.
He is now your ex, so block him and remove yourself from all his social media.
"I didn’t want to do (escaping my house), or otherwise it would show that I “didn’t care about him enough”. Was he manipulating me?"
Yes. He was. Again, he sounds VERY immature. NOT that it excuses his behavior but perhaps it explains it a bit.
Dry your eyes. Read your favorite book or watch your favorite movie. Spend time with friends, call a relative you haven't talked to in a while, go for a walk, go work out, study for your exams and ACE those exams.
And know this, it will pass. You will come to a point where you accept that he wasn't as great of a guy as you once thought. He was just an immature jack-ass you USED to date.
Chin up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2022): He left because the relationship ran its course. You are both very young, and at your age; most relationships are just long-term dating. Nobody is so serious, that these romances are guaranteed to last until you're married and have children. You take it day by day, and hope it develops into something serious and viable. For however long that will be.
You've got approximately 60+ more years of life ahead of you. There will be guys who will date you a couple of times, and end it. There will be someone special, who will stick it out for the long haul; but it still might come to an end. The point is to enjoy love and life; until it runs-out.
Be realistic about love, it comes with some heartbreak. Give a little of your heart at a time, allow him time to give more of his, then give some more. Don't give all your heart at once; before you even know how serious a guy is about being in a relationship.
You have to be on the same page, and moving at the same pace. Save some love for yourself; so you have some on reserve to get through heartbreak. Don't fall completely apart and self-destruct over a breakup. He's just a teardrop in an ocean of men. You got him, you'll get another. They aren't handing out boyfriends on ration. You'll get as many as you need; they just have to be spread-out over time.
You can't be so melodramatic. Even if he is your first boyfriend, he won't be your last. You're only 21, for crying out loud! I wish!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses. Every day when I wake up, I wake up with a pain in my stomach. I guess it’s going to pass, I don’t know. It’s my first boyfriend and the first break up sucks, honestly.
To be honest, months before he would leave, we had a conversation about this trip and he told me that we should both do our own lives while away, and I just was in denial when he told me this. I didn’t listen to him, and we continued as a couple. But he was clear to me about this. Even when we broke up and he told me all those hurtful things I mentioned in the post, he also told me “when we became boyfriend and girlfriend I told you about this trip and I told you I was going away. We also talked about my brother and how he breaks up with his girlfriend before leaving”. I remember him mentioning that his brother would come back with his girlfriend when he came back from the exchange program.
I guess he thought that would work for me, but no. I deserve better.
A couple of things happened before he left. I made a post here but then deleted it. Basically, a few days before he left my grandfather died from cancer suddenly and I as a wreck emotionally. I really loved my grandfather and it was a great loss to me, I just couldn’t believe it. I saw him the day before he died and it was terrible. And also I think I should mention that I have family members living abroad, even my sister, and it’s really hard for me because I miss them every day, and I don’t like it when people go abroad. My sister moved away about 3 or 4 years ago and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
So a couple days after my grandfathers passing, my now ex boyfriend’s friends threw a surprise going away party for my boyfriend and I went. But he barely spoke to me, he talked with his friends. And in one moment they were talking about February 14th (valentines day) and the plans they had for that day. And I told my boyfriend “we could do something it’s Valentine’s Day” and he was like “I can’t that day, I have to do x and y and z”. Well I don’t remember exactly what he had to do but he had to do things, and he suggested we did something the day before Valentine’s Day. And I started crying. I left from the party crying and I told him that he barely spoke to me and I was sad because I couldn’t stand celebrating another goodbye.
He understood me completely, and he told me he didn’t speak to me because he wanted to be with friends and he knew he was going to see me these days, before leaving.
But something happened. The day after that, I went out with a friend of mine and I got drunk. My parents don’t want me to drink and are clear about that, but I did it anyways because I was an emotional wreck. They grounded me and got so pissed at me. They couldn’t let me leave the house. But they DID let me see people on the house (meaning people coming to the house, but me not leaving).
The reason why they don’t want me to drink is because I came home really drunk one day and they got really scared and don’t want me to drink alcohol even though I’m +21. Their house their rules as they said.
My boyfriend, 3 days before leaving to the exchange program, invited me to have dinner at his house. I had to tell him no and explain to him that I was so upset but I was grounded. He got really pissed at me and told me “I feel like I’m dating a little girl. I’m leaving in 3 days and I can’t believe I can’t see my girlfriend and that we don’t have an adult like relationship”. I was so sad so I told him my parents are overprotective and that I want to leave the house so I can be more independent. And that my sister, one of the reasons why she moved away abroad was because my parents were overprotective.
I also told him that my mother is sometimes emotionally abusive towards me, that she makes me feel guilty for a lot of things when she’s mad, and that she sometimes talks bad to me. I wanted to share this with him because I thought I could trust him. And that it’s not that I didn’t want to escape my house because I didn’t care, it was because of the consequences of that. And also that my mother is controlling.
He told me “the things with your parents, we’ve been seeing them being like this all the time. This is not new for me. You didn’t tell me anything new.” But then he told me “this is too much. I don’t know if things are going to be the same between us”. So he basically told me that my family problems were big enough for him to be like, nah I’m out. But he also was like “I know how your parents are we’ve been seeing this since forever”.
I was clear that he could come to my house anyways, but that I couldn’t leave. So he had the choice to come and see me.
The next day he came home. And he was still pissed. He wanted to make me feel guilty about not “escaping” my house to see him. He was like “It’s really sad that you didn’t even think about escaping the house to see me. It hurt my feelings because it shows that you don’t care”. And I was like “Of course I thought about escaping, but it could’ve been worse to me (the punishment from my parents). I just couldn’t do that, it would be a mess. They threatened to kick me out of the house, I just couldn’t do that”. He still doesn’t believe me and he thinks I don’t care. When he came home he even cried a little bit and told me “I forgive you, and we’re still together, but I’m not going to forget about this”.
I know this is a lot, and I’m still trying to process it. This happened in February and I still can’t process it. I think it’s unfair that he put me in the position of making me do something I didn’t want to do (escaping my house), or otherwise it would show that I “didn’t care about him enough”. Was he manipulating me? I asked him to please put himself in my shoes, but he was like “I’m sorry, but I can’t, I tried but I can’t”.
Either way, I managed and somehow my parents let me go to his house the day before he left (Valentines Day) and I was able to go, only for 2 hours, but I did a proper goodbye. Should I mention it was Valentine’s Day? The day where he was going to be busy? Well he wasn’t. And he didn’t give me a Valentine’s Day present. I think he was still upset that I got grounded and told me he was dating a little girl. He didn’t even give me a present for Valentine’s Day, which was the day before he would leave.
I’m still recovering from all that. What do you think about all of this? When he left, we kept on texting but he became colder and colder. And that’s when we had the video call, where he told me he wanted a break. I shared something personal with him, I commented that my mother was emotionally abusive and she told me mean things the other day. He wanted to know what she told me but I didn’t tell him, it was too much. And I also was embarassed. So I backed down and I was like “I don’t want to talk about this right now but maybe in a future we could”.
And later he told me “I don’t believe in labels”. But the day before, we were a couple (or that’s what I thought). And when we did the video call he was like “I don’t believe in labels”. And that’s when he told me he wanted the break. I suggested the video calls but he was like “I tried doing this long distance but it just isn’t working for me. The difference in time is really hard and it’s not for me.”
Was he a complete emotional abuser? Because writing this down makes me feel like he played me like I was nothing. I shouldn’t have told him about my family issues maybe, and the moment he told me he felt he was dating a little girl, maybe I should’ve just stop responding there and not try to make him understand. Was he too hard on me? I completely regret now sharing things about my life such as my relationship with my mom and everything. Also I feel like a burden because I feel like that is what made him break up with me.
I feel sad. And I know there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m trying to take this day by day, minute by minute.
Do you think I was the reason he pulled away or it was because of the exchange program?
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female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (28 April 2022):
 You’re not a priority, but prancing around with other women is…
Hmm…
Sounds like an immature douche to me.
Look, I get it. A lot of the time. “9’g distance relationships don’t work. But usually, both parties at least make an effort, whereas he isn’t. And he’s not even willing to compromise!!
No you should absolutely not take him back!! You are not just an option for him! What happens later down the line if you got a job away from him or he had a job away from you? What, do you just go on another break again? And by break I mean, you sitting around, waiting for him and trying to make an effort whilst he gets his cock wet with other women?
Face it, OP
The relationship got too hard for him and he’s too lazy to make an effort. He only wanted the ‘break’ so that he could have the open options. He probably will come running back in August, because it’ll be easier, and you’ll be there, he won’t have to really do much, everything will be on a golden platter for him. But you are not just some part time partner, where he can just pick you up then drop you when you’re far apart and he finds something ‘better’
Block him, and move on. You deserve way better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2022): I think what happened is pretty much predictable; and typical of people in their early 20's trying to conduct a long-distance relationship.
You're both very young, you're at an age when we're at the peak of our social-lives, brimming-over with hormones; and hardly serious about committed-relationships. Whether it be done over long-distance, or localized. Long-distance adds a major stress-factor; and increases the likelihood of failure. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
If you're still a student, you are exposed to a lot of party-people; and running with a crowd of other young-people sharing your academic pursuits and youthful experiences. Sex is everywhere! University campuses are basically a giant house-party just waiting to happen as soon as the weekend begins. He knew he didn't want to maintain a LDR before he left; but thought he'd make a drama-free getaway by just suggesting you take a break. You should have had a clue and took a hint! Look at your angry and emotional-reaction now that you are officially aware he actually has broken-up with you! This is actually a delayed-reaction, that should have occurred back when he suggested taking a break. I mean, who actually comes back after they want a break? Had you suspected much sooner that the "breakup" was disguised as just a break; you would have been that much closer to getting over him.
All you did was put the inevitable on-hold. We both know, you kind of knew deep-down that he was breaking-up with you before he left. You let him play you.
He expected drama, but he tried to cleverly circumvent the drama by pretending he still wanted to remain in a relationship over long-distance. Rare is the unmarried-guy in his 20's, who really wants to hang-on to an LDR; when he's surrounded by single pretty-women and parties happening every weekend. It's a strain on a well-established long-term relationship, or a marriage; let alone a newly-committed couple. It doesn't matter how long you've know each-other; in your 20s, the count starts from when you commit to be exclusive and bond as a monogamous relationship.
FYI, men generally don't count from the time you began dating as time-served as a couple. He counts from the time you officially became a couple. Store that info for future use. In his mind, the relationship is only two months old. He's not invested. He knew he was leaving soon; so I suspect he didn't want the sex to stop.
Girlfriend, you should have seen this coming!
He took advantage of the distance, because it put him well out of reach; and it's harder to create a scene or perform a tantrum when you're miles apart. A device can be shutoff or ignored. Temper-tantrums or emotional-outbursts have more dramatic-effect when you have a live-audience. We need to express our outrage, pain, and disappointment openly; and we need to put our emotions on display. Those emotional-theatrics have to make an impact. Can't do that through a device. It's not wise to travel over a distance just for that purpose; that borders on insanity. Though some people will get on a flight and travel specifically to give a live and in-person performance; but getting arrested while out of town, or in another country, can prove very costly and extremely inconvenient.
You now know the breakup is official. You don't need to drag this out; or put yourself through breakup-hell over a guy who has now given you back your freedom.
The truth is, you have little choice; but to accept things as they are and move on. The rejection and heartbreak hurts; but you have to avoid giving him too much power over your feelings, dignity, and emotions. He will surely abuse the power, if you give it to him. He has finally made it abundantly clear that he's done. He said some hurtful things; but his style and delivery had a duel purpose. He's cutting ties to regain his freedom for his own selfish reasons; but he's doing it in an almost heartless/hurtful way, because he thinks it will make it easier for you to let-go and move on.
You've got to go through your phases of post-breakup emotions; then start the healing process towards your recovery.
Go no contact. Ghost him on social media. Stop stalking him online. That is self-torture, and creepy. It's pouring salt on your own wounds. You're wasting your breath giving him a piece of your mind, or sending him angry text messages. The sooner you disconnect and discontinue all contact; the quicker you will detach and move on. Any attempt to "punish" him for hurting you proves he is the one who has all the power. Take back your power, and just let-go. Use your anger to help you to detach your feelings. You'll recover quicker. Don't do self-destructive rebound-hookups with guys; or call yourself doing tit-for-tat by doing crazy stunts to get even. You'll hurt yourself, not him. If it makes you feel better to think you ducked a bullet, then you've ducked a bullet. I just think the romance ran its course; and nobody is really the bad-guy here. He was a jerk about it by not being honest with you; but you wouldn't have taken a breakup well no matter how he went about it, or when he did it.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 April 2022):
 I think that he wanted the relationship over and done with but he is to weak to of stepped up to the plate and actually finished it.
Instead he was handing out glimmers of hope, keeping you hanging on, full of empty promises when he knows full well that nothing is ever going to come to fruition.
In my opinion if someone say's in a relationship lets call a break that is saying the that the relationship is over. I think that maintaining contact after a break has been called is a mistake. As you still harbour feelings for him it is heart breaking for you to see him on his social media being with other girls. I think when the break was called you should have finished it there and then, deleted him and blocked him and moved on.
Telling him how hurt your feelings were, and how upset you are about all of this in unfortunately wasted energy because he just is not bothered, he has moved on with his new life.
I know its difficult, its never easy when you have feelings for someone, but you will get over this, time is the healer of all things.
The best thing that you could do for yourself now would be to delete all communication with him and move on with your life. You will get over this, you know you will. There is someone for everyone, and there is someone out there waiting to give you the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2022):
I think you two didn't communicate very well at all. It wasn't a problem when you got to see each other often, but after he left?
I DO think he meant to break up with you, but thought it would hurt you "Less" if he called it a break, plus that would also mean that he could keep YOU on the backburner while he explored other options while away.
He did more than "hug" some girl. He made sure to POST just how much fun he is having. That THIS is his priority.
If he is your age, I would chalk this up to immaturity and well, selfishness.
You left ALL the decisions to him. And when he made choices you didn't like you got mad.
You both need to grow up. And you will in time.
CHALK this up to a learning experience, OP
If someone suggests a "break" make it a BREAK-UP. You don't get "breaks" in like, and you can't conduct a healthy relationship if you have to take a "break" every time things get a little hard.
"If he comes back to me once he comes back from the exchange program what should I say?"
Do you really WANt him back? Are you some doll, he can pick up and put down for other girls?
I'd block him, remove myself from ALL his social media and remove HIM from all MY social media and then I would work on moving on. I would not take him back. Because it's going to become a pattern of him "needing" breaks from you and you being put on the "ignore shelf" while he does other "things" or people.
You write:" “you are telling me you can’t give me time? Even a little bit, I don’t know, make a little bit of time for me?” And he replied “I can’t give time, energy, willingness. I don’t have the desire”.
"That really hurt my feelings and I told him “You should’ve saved that for yourself."
I know that hurts but you should NEVER ask people to LIE to you, so you won't get your feelings hurt. Sometimes the TRUTH hurts. THAT is reality. you should WANT people to be HONEST with you. That way you KNOW where you stand. YOU can make informed choices.
Lastly, don't see dating him (or anyone) as a "waste of time". You live and learn. What you learned here is to perhaps LISTEN better in the future. Communicate more clearly.
Don't accept shitty behavior. If someone DO NOT want to put in the effort and invest in the relationship, move on.
He didn't.
You wanted to STAY in the relationship, no matter what. You were willing to try and make it work long-distance. To video call and whatever else.
He didn't.
He called it a "break" but he meant to break up. I think you kind of knew that but wanted to try and make it work anyways.
He didn't.
"he told me “whatever you need I’m here”."
Except, those are just empty words. You TOLD him what you needed from him while he was away, and HE couldn't be ARSED to do that.
Have a good cry, dust yourself off, and move on. For now, focus on your exams, enjoy the time at home (if you go home over the summer), see friends, and mend your heart. When you are ready to date someone new, then do that.
Don't bend over bakward to keep a BF, meet him halfways. If he puts in 50-100%, you put in a 50-100%. If he puts in 10%, maybe he isn't for you.
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