A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well.. my boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 years now and everything's been going pretty well for the most part, but it just seems that he is always accusing me of things I'm not doing, and it really hurts me, and I don't know what to do.. like the other day he was holding me down and tickling me or something, and when I broke free and started goofing around, doing the same thing to him, he randomly got mad and stormed out of his seat and sat in a chair away from me and I looked at him confused and he said that I was "trying to man-handle him" when all I did was reach over and tickle his stomach for about 5 seconds.. and he also told me that I am trying to be better than him because I decided to join track with him, which I only did so that I could get more physical activity and be able to spend more time with him because he always seems to have so much of his time occupied by sports and such.. which I don't mind at all of course, I just really miss him when we are not together.It's just so frustrating to have someone you love so dearly to think that you would do anything to hurt them.. that is just something far beyond my comprehension.. another problem is that he doesn't really show much loving compassion towards me at all most of the time. I'll hug him and tell him I love and how much I care about him, and he'll usually just sit there unfased.. no smile or anything half the time. It really worries me. :( I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if he is just stressed out.. all I know is that I want to do anything I can to help him, but I don't know what more I can do.. any advice?P.S. It is not that I am not trying to figure out what to do.. I mean I seriously have a notebook where I've wrote down things he likes, and doesn't like, things that set him off, important things he tells me.. etc. I am doing absolutely everything in order to be the best girlfriend I can be and to understand him the best that I can, and yet it never ever seems to be good enough.. :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Trust in a relationship, even an established one is hard to build, especially if one of the parties has been hurt in the past. You know that you are trustworthy and now all you can do is prove to your guy that you are.
It takes time, but it's worth it and in the end he will see that he can trust you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh gosh, my boyfriend would never intentionally cause me physical harm if that is what some of you are getting at. We have spoken of our beliefs and morals, and he has told me many times that he would never hurt a girl unless it was in pure self defense, and I trust him on that. The worst I could possibly see happening is that he will always worry that I might do something against him, but I won't.. I know I won't. I love him so dearly.. and his family are like family of my own. I could never bring myself to cause harm to any one of them. And if he only trusted me on that, goodness I would be the happiest girl in the world.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (12 March 2011):
 @StepfordWifeNot
Her follow up is concerning to me as well. She is just not picking up on all the glaring red flags that seem so obvious to me and you. I see major heartache ahead for this girl. I just hope it is only her heart that ends up getting broken.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (11 March 2011):
If you are his first gf, then perhaps past relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) have left him scarred or perhaps he grew up in a house where trust wasn't there. Most people carry around "emotional trauma's" from previous emotional experiences and don't know how to cope/deal with them.
THis is a really good site on 10 Crucial and Surprising ways to uild trust in a relationship.
http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Crucial-and-Surprising-Steps-to-Build-Trust-in-a-Relationship&id=2136
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): GeeGee255 - we are in agreement, but I wonder just how much more this young lady is willing to tolerate? Her follow-ups would suggest too much, as she is making excuse after excuse for this young man. His behaviour is simply unacceptable, he is clearly controlling her and will only increase this control as time goes on.
So, to the girl who asked this question in the first place ... you do not have to prove to anyone that you are trustworthy.
I've just taken a minute or two, while typing this answer, to re-read your follow-up again ... and I'm concerned. GeeGee255 is absolutely right. You are not yet in a position to hear the truth about your situation, but I seriously worry that if you stay the damage will become so great you'll never be able to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@largentsgirl89 I meant that I am trying, but that I am still lost.. I don't know what to do about the whole situation. :(And as for everyone, thank you very much for the advice, but gosh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make it seem like we have a completely terrible relationship or anything, because we don't really. We are best friends.. and we do love and care for each other. It's just that he seems to get irritated very often.. and me, being the sensitive person I am, used to take it personally and feel depressed for very long periods of time.. but he eventually told me it wasn't my fault, that he just feels stressed out alot.I eventually realized that whenever he seemed angry, it was really just a sort of front he puts up whenever he is upset. After I was able to see through the "mask" we were able to communicate better with one another and I got where I was able to help him more and he really has seemed to lighten up alot since then. The reason why I've posted on here is because even though our relationship with one another has improved dramatically, he still fails to see how much I truly love and care about him, and will accuse me of things that I am not doing at all.. and cannot seem to trust me completely even though I've never done anything wrong. I am his first real girlfriend so maybe that contributes a little bit to the situation? I'm not entirely sure.. I was just wondering if anyone knew of any ways I could really show him how much I care, and that he can trust me.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (10 March 2011):
@Stepfordwifenot, I agree with you but I don't believe she is at the point where she is ready to hear that yet. No, she'll stay until she realizes just how bad it can get.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): He is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. It is definitely NOT your fault. If anything I would say you are trying too hard to please him. A healthy relationship is a balanced relationship, where both partners seek equally to please and support one another. You are not getting any positive messages from this young man and, I am sorry to tell you, you never will.He obviously has some major problems, but there is nothing you can do about that because the problems were there before you were.Protect yourself, your health and your sanity by getting out of this situation as quickly as you can.There is no doubt in my mind that he will seem to fight very hard to keep you, he will probably pursue you for some time, people like him cannot bear to lose control. That's what he has over you at the moment, complete control. Leave him and NEVER go back to him.Trying to assert yourself and make him respect you will not work, I fear. You are worthy of being treated with love and respect, you will get neither so long as you are with your current boyfriend. I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (10 March 2011):
Stop trying to please him, your his girlfriend not his mother and even she didn't have to work so hard.
He does sound very insecure with himself and perhaps he has had past relationships that didn't go so well and now this is just his natural defense mechanism coming into play.
You can try all you want to try and be the perfect girlfriend who thinks of everything and is always one step ahead of her boyfriend, the little 1950's housewife if you will, but it will never be good enough because your bf (without counseling) is never going to be good enough for himself. And instead of putting himself down, he is going to put his inadequacies on you to make himself feel better.
This is the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship and I know you don't want to hear that or even listen to it, but it's the truth. Trust me, I know. He needs to get help or you need to find someone who is already emotionally stable enough to handle having a healthy relationship with another human being.
Good luck to you and I wish you the best. You said in the beginning of your first paragraph that you didn't know what to do, then in your P.S you said "It is not that I am not trying to figure out what to do..", so which is it? DO you know what to do or are you lost?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): You are trying too hard to please him. Let him work out how to please you.
What are you doing with someone who shows you no affection and shouts at you for doing the same back as he did to you anyway? He is the one with the problem.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (10 March 2011):
It is not you it's him and you can't fix or make it better for him by being a better girlfriend. This guy sounds very insecure with himself. I mean look at the tickling thing, it seems to me that he only got mad when you were able to over power him and turn the tables on him. I don't think he liked it that he was physically unable to maintain control over you. He wants you to be weak so he can feel strong. He also wants to break down your spirit and confidence so he can keep you down and unsure of yourself with him.
These are classic control technics. And he will destroy you if you let him. He seems to want you to treat him like a king and show him how much you love him, but he never even tries to give anything back to you. Like he deserves to be worshiped but you don't...Some of it may be chalked up to immaturity but if he continues like this you are looking at real problems in the years ahead if you stay with him.
People who love each other build each other up and give them the support and confidence they need to be the best they can be. They are proud of each others accomplishments.
And most of all they make you feel good about yourself just the way you are. This guy is doing the opposite of all that. So why are you trying so hard to stay with someone who isn't even trying to make you happy in return??
You either need to take your power back and make him treat you like the princess you are or dump his butt.
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