A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We're both married and fell in love with each other. He told me he'd never leave his wife and to work on my relationship with my husband which I did.The problem is he has now left his wife and is single. He say's he loves me and wants to be with me and yet he's dating other women (and lying about it) and having sex with his wife (and inadvertently lying about that too).I so wish I could forget him and have tried everything to do so but can't. After finding out about his wife and dates I don't even like him much anymore because he lied to me. That said - all I think about is him. I should divorce my husband because we're friends but really haven't got enough to get us through long term but can't do so because of all the hurt I've already caused him - I never lied to my husband.How do I stop this man being the only thing I think of each day. How do I stop staring at my phone all day desperate for him to text or call. I just want it to stop - whatever happens with my husband (and I really do need to find the strength to leave him) I don't know this man anymore and need to move on but can't. I can't bear feeling so awful when he doesn't contact me.Why am I still so in love with someone who's really messed with my head and lied to me ????(I know you could ask the same about my husband and I have no answer)
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affair, divorce, fell in love, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 I love Sally's answer...and I'd add that I've noticed that men size up a woman within minutes. You are either in the "fun for now" category, the "never" category, or the "potential mate" category. No woman can ever switch categories within a man's mind.
That said, you yourself know that there's no future with this guy for you. You are now living in the past-remembering conversations, obsessing and analyzing comments...staring at the phone...I've been there...it hurts like hell. I began to write down every stray thought about him-I made lists of awful hurtful things he's did and said. I turned off my phone at night. I'd read the lists when I felt weak. I did a drive by-BIG mistake! I just felt worse and on top of that, embarrassed.
Then, just when I'd started to forget him, he'd call...I'd answer and the whole sorry mess would start again, only it would end faster with me feeling more like a loser.
Don't talk to him. Don't stare at the phone. Don't think about the past-keep it in your recovery journal.
A
female
reader, SallySoMe  +, writes (15 December 2008):
 Why cant you forget him despite acknowledging the hurt he's capable of causing you? Because females are emotional beings, because in general we dont just have affairs for the sake of deliberately hurting anyone, because unless we're not downright psycho, we all are inherent nesters and want to come home to someone we truly feel for, because each female is wired to think that she can change certain male behaviours and MAKE this person love and dedicate themselves to her. Take your pick. Some of it's real and genuine intent while the last part is delusional thinking.This man's now got his freedom and is experiencing what its like to have the power to do exactly as he pleases. Do you really believe he's going to want to give that up to dedicate himself to just one person - you? Afterall he's had you and his attitude may well be one of been-there-done-that and dont want to go there again. Painful as it may be to acknowledge.Try thinking of it this way: acknowledge own and claim that you are wasting precious moments of whats left of your life by pining for someone who has too much freedom to care one way or the other. Keep telling yourself you are valuable and may have made mistakes yet you're only human but just like everyone else you too deserve so much better. Keep yourself busy and occupied, take up something mundane as a hobby like knitting or something exciting like ballroom dancing which would make you feel more desirable and worthy. When you feel strong enough you would find you're in a better position to address the abnormalities in your current relationship and could well surprise yourself.
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