A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am looking for someone to offer me some advice.I am a 47 year old man and have been married for 29 years with two sons 21 and 23 years old.I love my wife and kids to bits.I was promoted to a senior position in my organisation 2 years ago. There is a woman who does my admin, lets call her Mrs X.Mrs X is a 51 year old married woman with one daughter and again she as been married for 30 years.Now the problem.Over the 2 years I have known Mrs X we have all ways been close.Recently her mother died and I comforted her.Over the next six months we grew closer, last week while we were out on our lunch break I kiss her but said sorry.It turned out that she felt the same way about me and we fell into a passionate kiss.We are now growing closer and closer and I believe I am in love with her.She also told me that she loves me.Let me say at this point that neither of us have never had an affair with anyone else.We both know what we are doing is wrong, but it appear too strong to stop.I cannot bare to be without her and she also tells me the same, we do not want to hurt anybody but life’s to short to throw away our love for each other.I know I have asked for advice but I suppose deep down that there are only two options: give her up or give my current life up for her.It’s just so difficult knowing what to do for the best.Can anyone give advice?Please.
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female
reader, LisaE  +, writes (29 April 2009):
to the anonymous girl i've been talking to through private messages the past couple of weeks, i can't respond to your message. send me another one if you get this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): we all have given our comments it will be nice to hear what the original poster has to say.......who has he chosen?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): iTS EASY TO JUDGE. SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT in your position don't understand. I honestly do. I'm inlove with my boss. You are just life my special other. Although I see you are actually thinking of acting on your love. My special other is getting things together. or at least thats what he says. I have learned a great lesson from our situations. SOMEONE WILL GET HURT. Its like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I think if you live in a marriage and are not happy kids are grown why in the hell should you have to suffer and die lonely knowing there is that special someone out their who makes you happy. I tell my special other that all the time. I am currently divorced now. I love him dearly and i'm waiting. If i get hurt and he don't end up with me thats ok. I will have learned my lesson. Right now their are alot of issues that have to be considered. I love him and would take him without any materialistic things. Is she willing to do that with you. If you lose your position at work is she still going to love you. I recently learn that you can't help who you fall in love with. I also realized that people die unhappy. I feel if its not working in a marriage you should get out. I always heard IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING LET IT GO FREE IF IT RETURNS IT WAS MEANT TO BE. So I am in love with someone that right now I can't be with because there alot to risk. I hope you make the right choices. good luck my friend. you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): You know, I also get butterflies, more so when I know what I am doing is wrong. I also get a strange sensation on my legs, as though they are going to cave in. Is this love I am feeling, NO, It is just my body, my whole composition, that tells me, Listen girlie, this is a bad situation. What you are doing is going to get you into trouble. I do not attribute these butterflies feelings to LOVE, but just to the normal daily stuff that I know is wrong and is going to get me into major trouble. Maybe it is also my conscience talking to me and sometimes I don’t want to listen.For some people affairs really do work. For others it is just the beginning of a nightmare. You need to ask yourself if this butterflies you are feeling is just the “excitement” of the knowledge that what you are doing/ contemplating is wrong. Butterflies, perhaps more like a racing heart, skipping a beat while you get an adrenaline rush. A lot of people who have indulged in affair have “condoned” your affair. Does this make it right? Yes, a lot of people are doing it, it seems to be the norm these days, but for yourself you know the brutal truth, that what you are doing with your MM is WRONG. Yes it is wrong and this is the brutal truth. Let us not romanticize your actions. You say “I cannot bare to be without her and she also tells me the same, we do not want to hurt anybody but life’s to short to throw away our love for each other.” Life is too short, yes to mess your life. Do you expect your MW to just leave her husband. Is your head so high up in the clouds. She is in “love” with her boss for goodness sake. “Her boss”, that she had feelings for and now is acting on them. Both you and her may not have had affairs in the past, but shamefully you are throwing away your marriage, for what/who. Your ADMIN LADY. What a high standard you have set for yourself! Your Admin lady has sure bagged her boss all right! She has really upgraded herself.The same admin lady that has betrayed her marriage vows, her husband, your wife and your family. Is this person worth it? Surely you can see the errors of your ways in this relationship. You say that life is too short, Yes it is. It is too short to mess up where you cannot turn back the clock. It is too short to enjoy betrayal, heartache and pain. It is too short to lie, cheat and rock the boat.Sure after 29 years your marriage is a bit stale, too predictable, hey even boring. I am sure your MW’ marriage is the same. So what do you do? You hook up together, instead of salvaging your marriage you play office romantics with your admin lady. You are considering throwing away 29 years . It is not called a mid life crises for nothing. This OW understands you, she knows what makes you tick, she is so supportive, EVERYTHING YOUR WIFE ISN’T, is that it? You are so wrong. You are stealing from her marriage just as she is stealing from yours. Your 29 year marriage investment is going down the tubes for someone that you have bonded with for 6 months. It started with bonding over her mothers death. You had no right to take the place of her husband in comforting and consoling her. So much for an honest, straight laced woman.Call your affair what you want, but it is still an affair that is going to destroy your wife and her husband. Thus far, both you and the OW have averted a major family crises but shortly the paw paw will hit the fan. Do you not think of the consequences of your betrayal or are you just caught in the moment like a love sick teenager? You cannot bare to be without her, why? What value is she providing to you that your loyal, faithful wife is not. How does this few stolen moments even measure to a marriage that has stood the test of time.You have been promoted, you also have a new found sense of power. Your PA/ admin worker has crossed the professional lines of work ethics. If she has crossed this with you, have you wondered whether she has crossed this “emotional barrier” with others as well. I cannot help but question this OW’s morals and integrity. For herself and her marriage and definitely your marriage. Where is the self restraint, after all you both are adults. The word that is being more and more frequent ith affair is “DISENGAGE”. You need to disengage yourself from this woman, why? For your own sanity, for your wife’s and also for professional work conduct. (another “unrealistic/biased comment – you are currently in a senior position. You are presently having an emotional affair/ soon to be sexual with an admin person, Surely if you wanted you could have “chosen” someone who was more your equal. Or are you afraid of the competition? What do you talk about, the days filing? Or her making you a good cup of tea? If she is such a good person, how, oh how, did she manage to convince you that you are in love with her and vice versa. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. Falling in love or having an affair with the bossman is an old one, the question is do you stoop so low as to “destroy” your wife and marriage or do you give this one a miss. )You are a 47 year old man who has gotten himself into a pickle, you know right from wrong. It is not too late to remedy the situation. Yes, it will be difficult. But why sttp to that level with your admin lady. Having an affair with the admin lady is like shagging the maid. There will be NO happy ever after if you leave your wife for this person. I have always said, do not build your happiness on someone else’s heartache and pain. I think if you continue in the present state with your admin lady that is what will you do. You need to ask yourself whether you wan to risk everything for this lady. You talk about love, I say that it is misguided “emotional affair”. Do you end it or do you take it to the next level? The old saying be careful what you wish for…………Butterflies in your stomach or the ugly feeling in the pit of your stomach?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): Thanks to you all for your advice.
I have a lot to think about but the advice has helped greatly,
Emeralda statement is spot on when she talks about butterflies in the stomach as this is how I feel.
I have a lot to consider, so thanks again.
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A
female
reader, esmeralda_oz  +, writes (5 April 2009):
And I too am in the same situation, with a work colleague here in Australia.
Except, that this last week, after 4 months of secrecy, with 2 weekends away of fantastic sex, I have just issued an ultimatum to my lover, its me and a new life or back to his old life and wife. (NB I'm 43 & new man is 55, so I'm amazed at the sex bit - forgot I could still do it!)
I knew within a month that I wanted more from this new relationship, so I separated from my husband. This new man has definitely been the catalyst to make me realise that my marriage was no longer working... my husband & I have not had sex for 3 years, we stopped trying at the marriage a long time ago...so this split has nothing really to do with the new man, but the new man has showed me that life is too short to waste in an unhappy marriage and you must go with your heart and choose life, happiness, fun etc etc
So will he choose me? I have no idea, he has to decide by 1st May...but he has also said he has been unhappy with his marriage for 10 years, no sex for the last 18 mths & no kids...so it should be an easy choice for him eh? But who knows, he may not have as much courage as me to change his life...if he does not, I am moving on...no matter how painful it will be, I will not be '2nd' best, I respect myself too much for that.
So, as for your situation, you say you 'love' your wife, but I would guess not as you do your new lover in the 'sexual, butterflies in the stomach' way... plus, as a friend told me yesterday, an affair is not the reason for a marriage breakdown, it is merely a sympton of what is already wrong with the marriage. So truthfully look into your marriage, if it is lacking, then I'd advise go with the new lover and start a new happy life together...you only live once! And your sons do not come into this decision, they are grown-up and will always be your sons, no matter who you are sharing your life with!
good luck, to us both!
esmeralda
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A
female
reader, LisaE +, writes (5 April 2009):
Our stories are eerily similar, so I felt compelled to respond. But first, I want to say that I totally agree with Zarathustra when he says that only a person who had (or in my case, is having) an affair can answer. I’m not sure how helpful my response will be to you, but I hope you can at least take what I’m saying to heart. After all, that’s what this whole thing is about – your heart.I was with my ex-husband for 10 years (almost 5 of them in holy matrimony) when I started having an affair with a male friend who worked in my office building. Like your situation, we grew very close until one day we realized we had fallen in love with each other. It was so innocent on both our parts, but yet we both knew that something was missing in our marriages that allowed us to become involved in the first place. I won’t recount for you all the difficulties we’ve had over the past 3 years, since the emphasis is really on the duration of our relationship. 3 years. That’s a long time, huh? Well, be prepared, because that can possibly happen to you. See, my ex-husband found out about the affair 6 months into it. He was willing to go to counseling to see if we could save our marriage, but after I gave it a lot of consideration, I decided that I was in love with my married man and didn’t want to save the marriage. My married man said he was also going to leave his marriage; he just needed some time to pull it all together. I believed him. Needless, to say, 2 ½ years later, I am still waiting for him to leave his marriage.This is where you heart comes in. And I don’t mean your heart heart. I mean your heart of hearts. There’s a difference. Your heart heart leads your emotions. Your heart of hearts knows exactly what the reality of the situation is. See, my heart heart tells me that my married man loves me, but my heart of hearts tells me that no matter how in love with me he is, he’ll probably never leave his wife. That’s my reality. What’s your reality? I’m not going to tell you to end your affair, or otherwise tell you what you should do. Ultimately, it’s you who has to make that decision. I’m just asking you to ask yourself all the hard questions. Do you love her enough to leave your marriage? If you do, do you know she’s willing to do the same? And most importantly, if you do leave your marriage and she doesn’t leave hers, how are you going to handle it? Some other good questions: What do you really want for your future? What do you really want for hers? Do you want to spend holidays and special occasions alone? Would you want her to spend hers alone? You have to look at it from both sides of the coin and in every conceivable angle because just about anything can happen. For me, I’m hanging in there. I love my married man with all my heart. My heart heart. The heart that tells me one day he will leave home and will truly be mine. But the longer he stays in his current situation, the more my heart of heart kicks in. I used to pine away for him. I would sit at home all the time waiting for a text, a surprise call or a surprise visit. Today, I’m a lot different of a person than I was just 6 months ago. I don’t sit at home anymore and pine away. I treasure the moments I have with him, but I’m not alone or pining anymore. Sometimes, I even go on dates to see if I can find what I truly deserve. This is what your lover could be doing while you’re sleeping at home with your wife every night. Or, it could possibly be you doing the dating hoping to find what you truly deserve.Please think long and hard about your situation, and then make the decision that is right for not only you, but for your lover as well. You both have a big stake in the outcome. I wish you a lot of luck in your situation and hope that it turns out the way that you want it to.
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female
reader, Harmony1st +, writes (5 April 2009):
My advice is stop while you can! You say you love your wife and kids to bits, how could you love them and do this to them?
I recently discovered my husbands affair with one of our mutual friends and let me tell you it is the worst thing you can do to a person (other than murder them!)
My husband has ended this and we no longer have anything to do with this woman. He is absolutely disgusted with what he did, he vomits when he thinks about what they did with each other and how it has effected me. He is also loosing weight and his hair from the regret and remorse that he feels.
The affair has ripped apart all of our wedding vows and there is no trust left in our marriage. There is not one moment that I don't think about the times they shared together, I feel sick about it and cannot believe the one person I loved more than anything in the world has done this to me. My confidence is shattered and at times I just don't want to get out of bed. Think about how this would make your wife and children feel? How would you have felt if your wife did this to you?
We have a 5 month old baby and thank goodness this was discovered before it destroyed his life. Your sons are men, would you give them advice to have an affair on their wives?
I know there were issues in our marriage but my husband took comfort in another instead of talking to me about it. It was quite simple really, all he had to do was talk to me about how he felt inadequate and I would have listened and worked on his needs. Instead he made the worst mistake of his life which he & I are paying dearly for. I don't care for his paramour (who was my friend) but it has destroyed her family as well. Children do not deserve this no matter how old they are, when we have them we vow that we will protect them from everyone. Could you say your protecting them from yourself and teaching them the correct values?
During our counselling sessions my husband revealled that it wasn't actually the woman he was in love with, he was in love with how she made him feel about himself. The counsellor has explained there is a hormone surge you get in an affair situation which makes it so impossible to stop. This is called PEA and is like a high you get from crack. (I suggest you read up on it)
PEA is the infatuation inducing stimulant. These three endorphines create a feeling of euphoria & uncertainty, resulting in insatible desire.
Every time you see or speak to your lover you get a hit.
It is an in love feeling but I am sure when you return to the normal life with your wife and children you experience a come down and the guilt sets in. The love you have for your wife and children is real love, it is the normal every day life. Where with your lover you have no ties and you feel young and free.
For you to be on this site asking for advice tells me that somewhere deep inside you thinks what you are doing is morally wrong. Yes your gut feeling is correct.
We are all tempted in life and my love for my husband has made me never cross that line. It is only someone who has an over sense of self intitlement and is weak that will cross the line. Loving someone means putting their best interest first which neither of you are doing here.
Do you honestly think that you would be happy if you ran away with your lover? The grass always looks greener but let me tell you when reality sets in, the same issues will come up in your relationship. If she is willing to have an affair with you, she is willing to do it with someone else when it is not so green. (My husbands lover did it a number of times but he was too caught up with feeling high to remember what she was like). The two of you will never have trust in your relationship because your relationship is not built on it at the moment. Your relationship is fake, cheap, secretive, immoral and selfish.
My husband and I are reconecting again and it is like meeting each other for the first time all over. This can be achieved in your current marriage if you are willing to be honest with yourself and your wife.
I only hope your decision doesn't destroy many lives just to benefit yourself. Perhaps you should be taking the time to see a professional counsellor to assist you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): Normally when I find myself physically or emotionally attracted to someone, I AVOID them. This happens all the time. I wonder how many times your wife turned down the 'other guy', because she put you 1st.
I heard this here yesterday, The grass is greener where you water it.
If this helps at all, think of 'her' as a cheating, homewrecking, non-trustworthy, sneaking, loose woman. great gal huh?
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