A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my problem is I am ugly....I have spent lots of money on therapy for BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder), but it just seems that a duck is a duck. I am ugly and that's that, but I feel like I'm gorgeous. So I'm a duck that thinks its a swan...any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated. Even my therapist said it was unusual. Also, if anyone knows anyone in a similar situation and could connect us, or a support group, it would be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (11 September 2013):
 No one should worry about being a cat walk model but the things your talking about can be remedied, although I'm an advocate for people being who they are.
A brace would fix your teeth, so go see an orthodontist. A dazzling smile can do so much for person.
A hairdresser could help you choose a manageable style and advise on products to keep your frizz under control.
See a beautician about your skin, there may be treatments or a daily skincare routine that could improve it's appearance. Also look into your diet, are you eating the right foods for a clear complexion.
As for the big nose, either learn to love it or speak to a surgeon about a nose job.
Either way, when your not looking in the mirror you think your ok so just go with it.
Don't hook up with the drunk in the bar. There are loads of people who society don't see as attractive who are married, in relationships and have children.
Stop worrying about your looks and start to love the person you are. What's inside is very important.
Rather than waste money on counselling trying to convince yourself you are what you are, enjoy life when you're away from the mirror or do something practical about the things you see as flaws!
Just a thought, if a guy is only going with you because of your beauty isn't that a bit shallow? Wouldn't you rather someone loved you for who you are?
I hope this helps AB x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): Well, you do have BDD. I happen to know what that is, my dear. I wouldn't ask a person with BDD to describe themselves.
There are videos online that were made for Dove, the soap and shampoo brand. Everyday people were asked to describe themselves; then someone else was asked to describe the same person to an artist for a composite drawing. In almost every case, people couldn't accurately describe their own face. The eyes were off, the nose didn't look anything like their nose, the picture looked like somebody else. These people see their own reflection in a mirror everyday of their lives.
When the artist compared the drawings between that of the person describing themselves, and that of another person's description of the same individual; they were drastically different.
So sorry, good try.
We don't expect you to have a normal visual perception of your body and face. We all have bad-hair days.
Michael Jackson truly believed he had a big nose, and carved it into a pimple with nostrils. You may not fit your own description at all. WiseOwlE isn't that gullible. I'm a little skeptical of some of what you say; but I'll humor you. That is, if you'll humor me. Your cognizance that you
are "ugly," yet think you're "gorgeous," is uncanny.
Since we can't see you, we'll have to accept your self-description. As for being hit on by the drunk guy, give the guy a break. He has his issues too. Being hit on by anyone is still a compliment; even if I don't care to reciprocate. That's just me.
We know what you see in the mirror is going to be a "distorted" reflection. Your mind will probably produce a different image from what others may see.
In any case; glad I could help. You seem to have a great disposition all the same. In spite of what you think you see in the mirror.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 September 2013):
 I wake every morning and am shock at the old lady that looks back at me in the mirror. And I am totally amazed that she follows me everywhere I go, window reflections, rear view mirrors I mean everywhere. I definitely don't feel as old as she looks. How we ourselves from the inside can be so whacked compared to what a camera or mirror will tell us. I'm going with my mental image.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2013):
 You aren't Hoda Kotb, are you? Because those are her issues.
Good news is that you at least have hair, and teeth and a nose. I love this blog:
http://www.melissabxoxo.blogspot.com
I'd stick with the healthier viewpoint and continue with therapy.
And I loved the Lizzie Velaquez suggestion from sageoldguy, those were some pretty powerful images and ideas.
And sorry, but do you really want to get hit on by guys at a bar? I mean, you are exuding "I hate me" vibes and then expect other people to ignore that? It's almost impossible.
Continue with therapy, you haven't yet articulated your truth. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor those of you that are confused, It's not a high self esteem issue. I have crooked teeth, blotchy pale skin, a big nose, frizzy unmanageable hair, etc etc. (I always think I look great though). Then I catch a glimpse of myself and it grounds me right back down to reality. But only in that moment. I walk away from the mirror and it leaves me until I catch a gIimpse of my reflection again bringing me back to reality. I don't pass on guys right and left or play out of my league (I dont think). I have passed on guys who have shown interest recently (for example, a firefighter while vacationing and an old flame) becuase I considered them OUT of my league, not below it. I have also noticed when we go out that my pretty and even some of my plain friends usually get hit on or meet guys and I don't really unless its the drunkest guy in the bar and he's hitting on everything. To those that don't think there is a problem I suppose that is very flattering... And to the person that suggested contacting a university thanks SO much. That has never crossed my mind. It's a great idea especially since I feel unable to tell my friends and family. I will look into that :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): "I am ugly (...)but I feel like I'm gorgeous" I don't see how perceiving oneself as pretty is a problem, even if other people don't see you as beautiful... You are much much more than your looks.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2013):
You think you are ugly and you think you are a swan…. Choose the healthier point of view and go from there.
As others have asked, how is this affecting your life?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 September 2013):
 Why is this a problem? Being overconfident is better than underconfident IMO. Why do you want to take yourself down a few notches? You don't have body dysmorphic disorder, you have confidence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): I'm not sure if I understand your question. Are you saying that you have a high self-esteem that you don't live up to in reality? My advice would be to be the best person you can be either way. Even if you can't be the prettiest person around, you can still be someone that makes others feel good when they are near you. Looks aren't everything!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): You have high self esteem, there is no problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): I might suggest changing therapists for one thing.
If he or she doesn't know much about your disorder; perhaps you need to stop wasting your money, and find someone else more qualified. Contact the Dept. of Psychology at a local university, or medical school.
They may be able to suggest research psychologists or clinical psychiatrists doing funded studies, and are looking for individuals with rare conditions. They may screen you and offer a referral. They will not offer treatment; unless they are a medical school.
Researchers sometimes treat volunteer patients for free, or may even pay. You may just need a better therapist, and it may not be as rare as suggested.
Misdiagnosis runs rampant among money-hungry quacks who get to hang a shingle, and charge a mint for psychobabble.
Charging an arm and a leg per hour; while sleeping with their eyes open. You'll know if they're effective or not.
As for thinking you're gorgeous when you're not? Who's to argue? We're all a little conceited to a degree. Can't say you have issues with low self-esteem.
I've seen beautiful narcissistic people who are totally in-love with themselves; but treat other people horribly.
If you think highly of your looks and you don't abuse others; accept for the fact you have a diagnosed disorder, most people don't mind. You may raise a few eyebrows.
They wouldn't venture to disagree out of politeness. They'd figure something is wrong, or you're joking.
However; beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Most probably think you are desperately boosting your self-esteem.
Hitting on people may not go over well; if they don't appreciate your looks. It may not always be looks, but the approach.
If you think you're so gorgeous that you are compelled to be obnoxious and mean. Please, by all means, find a better therapist!
Paying a lot doesn't mean treatment is effective.
If you're making no progress after a long history with the one you have, consider finding a new one. A second or third opinion never hurts.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 I think I have to echo SoVeryConfused. We're not used to this situation, like your therapist said.. It must be rare. Can you enlighten us and tell us more about how this works for you and what you need advice on?
In my view it sounds ideal, but that's because I have no idea how this could possibly be a problem? I also think Im amazing, even if not everyone else agrees, but in my case it's just a healthy bunch of self admiration that never brought any harm with it.
How do you experience this to be problematic for you? If we know more about the specific areas in which it is a problem we would be better equipped to give good advice.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 September 2013):
 Ok so you are an ugly duckling that thinks it's a swan.
I'd be happy to help you adapt to this once you tell me how this is causing problems in your life.....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 September 2013):
My guess is that the only issue here is that you go after guys who are out of your league... Or maybe that you make comments about being gorgeous and people look at you funny.
If that's the case I'd say you just need to adjust your standards to a level that seems to work for you. I mean it's not like good looking guys have never been with an "ugly" girl before. But if you seem to be rejecting guys left and right because you're too good for them, then that's a problem.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 September 2013):
 Go look at Lizzie Velazquez's Facebook page and/or web site,.... and see how SHE handled a situation which sounds much like your's....
SHE (Lizzie) has more beauty in either of her little fingers than many of the "hot, party" girls on this - and other, similar sites - have in all their entire bodies... AND their cars, houses, jewelry boxes and wardrobes (INCLUDING their shoe racks)!!!!!!
I hope you are like Lizzie.... She's the BOMB!!!!!
Good luck.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 September 2013):
 So body dysmorphic in reverse?? Is that what you are saying?
Explain why this is a negative?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (9 September 2013):
I'm sorry but I can't see the problem.
I'm no expert in this but you say you're ugly and think you're beautiful?
That's fabulous! What a shame you can't bottle that.
There are people out there who pay good money to therapists because they're beautiful and believe they're ugly!
I'm not all that but am happy with who I am although I'd love to look better. I would love to believe that I was a diva.
Looks aren't everything but self confidence is worth a fortune and it seems you have that in abundance.
WTG you.
AB x
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