A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:if someone has horrible friends, does this mean that they are horrible too? this guy i am sort of interested in has told me that his mates are really bad trouble makers and womanisers, he says he does not 'identify with them any more' but the fact that he ever did (and still is friends with them!) is telling me that although he seems nice, really he must be as bad as they are. am i right to feel this way? i know i would not accept or feel comfortable with bad people as friends, because i am not a bad person myself.i would love to hear some opinionsthanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): "is it better to go our separate ways even though we got on really really well?"
Yes, you don't trust him and he is a liar. Walk away from this one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): In my experience you are who you hang out with. My husband used to hang out with these low lifes (which consisted of family also). It was terrrible. When I confronted him about this problem he realized I was right. It took a while but he found new "good" friends and he is a new person!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen i say troublemaking i mean one friend getting thrown out of a pub for supposedly mouthing off at the bar manager, telling him his pub was sh!t, and mouthing off at students who were having a peaceful protest, while drunk, while with his 4 year old child, and this is only in the last couple of weeks. according to my friend/ex this lad does things like this every time he has a drink and also his ex has a restraining order against him. the other friend is a 'horn-dog'. these are the only 2 friends he ever mentions really. we were talking on the phone the other night and he admitted that instead of 30 women, he has actually slept with 40 something and says he used to cheat on exes, never loved exes, but loves and misses me, but doesn't understand love and was a womaniser, reckons he is not anymore, doesn't want one night stands, wants something more real blah blah. but i don't believe or trust him now. firstly for lying about the number and also for stating 'i've changed. the 'old' me would have been trying to get into your pants but also been trying to get into someone else's at the same time' when we first got involved i thought he was great and i was really interested in having a relationship with him but as the weeks have gone on and he started telling me stuff and i decided that even though i had developed feelings for him, i did not feel safe having a relationship with him (emotionally i mean) so the plan was to just be friends but i am really not sure i can even safely do this, i still feel emotionally attached to him, he says he does too but i don't believe. is it better to go our separate ways even though we got on really really well? at the moment i cannot even bring myself to speak to him or text him
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I would say it doesn't matter if he has evolved from that lifestyle or not. If he is still in touch with them that means you have to be in some way also and that you will be affected in some way by them. You have to decide if you want trouble makers in your life. I would walk away from it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): What exactly is a "bad person" or a "trouble maker"?
Some guys (and women) will make the distinction between themselves and their friends just to appear more matured and evolved. Perhaps he's just using them as a stepping stone...or he's trying to make a real distinction between himself and his friends. Whatever his aim, he appears to be ashamed of his friends, at least in your presence...and that tends to indicate an insecure and flimsy personality.
Is he like them? It's hard to say.
I think the litmus test will come if and when you meet them in his company. If he can treat you will respect in front of his friends and they also treat you with respect, then you can assume he's spoken well about you.
If not, if they sneer or snigger at him or you, then you can safely assume they don't take his commitment to you seriously at all.
Hope it works out well.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Did you thank him he warned you about it! So he has awful friends and was like them once. The being a womaniser, I can understand, many are if they are given a chance, that is, if they're good looking and charming and not fans of stable relationships but..... trouble makers? What does this mean? It makes me think about jail and police records. That I really would not like.
There is a good chance they are alike but it's not a rule. Some even prefer less to 'not at all'. Having bad friends than no friends at all. That should depend on the case. Some can be womanisers but great friends at the same time!
To what extent one is influenced by friends that is an all too different story, at his age we would hope that isn't a problem. Maybe enjoy the chats at this stage and take your time!
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female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (25 February 2011):
 I understand your reasons for feeling the way you do and you shouldn't feel guilty for experiencing some trepidation-you can't help that! Personally speaking I would say that friends are not always similar. Some of my friends are "wild" while others are completely old fashioned, and I think most friendship groups have some contrast. Also, while his friends might be bad to women, perhaps they are very loyal and trustworthy friends? While this does not excuse them it might excuse his continued friendship with them, as really it's never wise to comment too much on a friend's love life. If his friends are putting you off maybe give it a try and just tread cautiously. However if you feel that he's more similar to them then you are letting on or that it may be a permanent source of contention, listen to your gut. If your instincts really tell you no about the guy himself, then walk away. Good luck!
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