A
female
age
36-40,
*athrina.1003
writes:I met M several weeks ago through a friend. We hit it off and a few days after having met him, we were pretty inseparable. Despite the 10-year age difference (I'm 25, he's 35), we seemed to get along really well. He works as a restaurant manager, but on most days he spends his time skateboarding with friends. I'm a student, and currently unemployed. We had so much time to ourselves.In less than one week into dating, he introduced me to his Aunt and Dad on separate occasions (there were no plans to actually officially meet his family over dinner or anything, we just passed by his dad and aunt's place to say hi, and while he didn't really introduce me as his "girlfriend" to his family, I believe they understood that M and I were dating).Shortly after that, he said he wanted to make "us" official. While I should've been ecstatic, the fact that things were moving too fast made me feel doubtful and scared, so I told him I needed more time. He agreed. Soon enough, I was spending the night over at his place, and meeting him at the restaurant he manages whenever I get off school. We were really inseparable, and were together most days except on the weekends. But despite not having the official boyfriend-girlfriend label yet, he introduced me to his staff as his girlfriend and even told them they'd be seeing more of me.Days after him asking to make it official (a proposal I said no to, for the meantime), I added him on Facebook and discovered the girl he was dating before me (who left the country two months ago and is now working in Dubai) was tagging him in practically all her profile pictures, and saying how much she missed him. Moreover, I discovered they were "liking" each other's photos and still talking on Facebook. While I'm not the jealous type, for some reason, this really made me doubt M's intentions about dating me. I assumed that things were moving so fast because he wasn't over the girl yet, and that he needed something (a relationship with me) to help him completely get over her. The day after that he wanted to meet me but I said no, and when he sensed that something was wrong, I texted him, "Why would you introduce me to everyone as your girlfriend if you and your ex still seem to be somewhat involved?" and "Did you only ask me to make it official because you wanted to sleep with me?" He blew his top off, and was obviously pissed at me judging by the text messages I received. He tried to justify that I shouldn't be doubting him because he had already introduced me to his family, but that doesn't assure me at all. I tried to make him see where I was coming from, so I told him I had an experience in the past where the guy introduced me to the family and weeks later admitted that he was still hung up on his ex. I tried explaining I had some trust issues, but he dismissed them and said we should talk when we see each other.So the day after that we scheduled to meet up at his restaurant. I was coming from a party of a common friend of ours. I had been drinking throughout the night, and I thought of bringing a male friend along (who was also a friend of his). I texted M to tell him that I was with R, just to inform him that I wasn't coming alone. He was probably pissed. WHen I got to the restaurant, it turns out that M's friends were also there. These were also R's friends, but I wasn't close to any of them. M, R and I, along with M's other friends, spent the night drinking at the restaurant. Needless to say, M and I didn't get the chance to talk of our issues. But we were civil with the group, and we never gave anything away and didn't seem like we were arguing about anything. As a matter of fact, I doubt his friends knew we were dating.Hours later, one of M's friends suggested to move to his place to continue the drinking session. I told M I was going to leave and go home, since we probably wouldn't get to talk there anyway. He didn't want me to leave. He said, "You're not going anywhere." I insisted, but still he was persistent on making me join them. I was exhausted from a night of heavy drinking, but I was also sobering up already at that time. I was getting pissed at his controlling behavior, but calmly said, "You're not the boss of me." He shrugged and said, "You want to leave? Go f***in leave. And take your friend with you." (He was referring to R, who at that point was way inebriated.)SO I stood up and got my bag, and at this point M's friends were already noticing the tension between us. One of them, A, tried to stop me from leaving but to no avail. I was walking out into the parking lot and M caught up with me, and started screaming and pointing his finger at me, accusing me of being "f***ing tweaked." I don't know where he got that from, since I don't do drugs, and I believe I was on my best behavior that night. I was so upset, I ran out of the parking lot crying, and M's friend A caught up with me to help me get a cab. All throughout the day, M was sending me text messages, apologizing for his behavior but not explaining anything, asking for a chance to talk when we both sobered up, saying how much he liked me and that he wished the screaming didn't happen, and reiterating that he was no longer involved with the ex. I was so angry, texting him back "What the F am I supposed to feel after you humiliated me like that in front of everyone?" He didn't reply. The next day, he texted, "I hope you're ok, I'm still thinking of you." But I didn't reply. That was the last message I got form him.The day after that I texted him, "For whatever I did that made you think you had to humiliate me that way, I'm sorry. But I can't be with someone who doesn't like me enough to respect me. I don't know where we're at right now, but I wouldn't be surprised if you don't want to see me again." I got no reply. Two days later, I texted him, "I just want to know what you're thinking, please let me know." And still, he was giving me the cold shoulder. Exasperated, I sent him a text the day after that, saying, "I would understand if you no longer want to see me, but I wish I would hear that from you, instead of you ignoring me this way." He didn't send me any responses. So, finally, I texted, "I guess you ignoring me means you don't want to have anything to do with me. I get that. Just wanted to say sorry for the trust issues and sorry for doubting you, I didn't want things to escalate to this point but I was very hurt at what you did in the restaurant and things were moving so fast that I got a bit scared too." My friends say he doesn't respect me. My friends say that he doesn't have the balls to actually end it, instead of just leaving me hanging, instead of just ignoring me like I never existed in the first place. But another friend suggested that M might just be cooling off, blowing off some steam, which explains why he's ignoring me.I really don't know where we're at right now: SHould I take this as a sign that things are already over between us? Should I start moving on? Will he get back to me sometime in the future? M always used to say that he doesn't care about my past as long as I care about him in the present. We've never actually talked about my past relationships (or the things that have hurt me in the past, the things that have shaped the way I view relationships now). When we talk of his relationships, it's always in passing. I don't know how he feels. I'm worried he doesn't care about me as much as I thought. I really like this guy. Is that stupid? Please help.
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female
reader, kathrina.1003 +, writes (11 December 2013):
kathrina.1003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here, thanks for all your feedback. I did acknowledge the fact that I messed up bad, and when my anger subsided, I acknowledged my mistakes and apologized for them, genuinely feeling sorry that the situation got out of hand and that it wasn't entirely his fault, because I was also to blame in more ways than one.Friends of mine who know him tell me he's a good man, and that him screaming at me was probably because he was already inebriated. I know I probably should be moving on and forgetting about him, but I couldn't help hanging on to the What ifs. Would any of you have any idea how he feels? I know this is a stupid thing to ask from complete strangers, but I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Does he even care? Is he over me, is he over it, if I show up one day will he turn me away and hate me more than he probably already does? Does he hate me? Would any of you know? (Sorry, I know this sounds very desperate. I've just been so unbelievably down about it, pretending to be OK but to no avail.)
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 I'm not gonna lie, you both messed this one up extremely bad and you both sound like teenagers that don't know how to deal with conflict.
For one, when you saw those things on Facebook, you had every right to ask him about it. What you didn't have the right to do was respond harshly and accusationally like you did. And you also didn't have the right to hold your last with another guy over his head. You cant bring baggage into relationships like that. It's unfair. you should have sat down and expressed what you were feeling with him and asked him to explain the context of his relationship with his ex and asked for clarity. Of you had, he never would have gotten pissed in the first place. If I were with someone and they just started attacking me about my exes, I would respond harshly, too.
But then he acted like an ass by demanding you go back and talk to him and even worse by screaming in the parking lot at you. But then he turned around and started apologizing profusely, and you went so far as to tell him you didn't want to be with a guy like him. However, what you REALLY meant was that you liked having the upper hand and liked seeing him beg. So when he stopped begging, then YOU suddenly worried about what his thoughts were.
My god.
You both have no clue how to have a healthy relationship. And if things like this are happening so soon, imagine how much worse it's going to get.
I suggest letting this one go and moving on and taking some time to learn healthy communication. You can't lash out at someone when you don't like something. And you can't hold your baggage over someone else's head. You're making him pay the price for something someone else did. And you need to not play games and speak how you truly feel. Not try to get him to come chasing after you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 He isn't the only who's drama.His rush for a relationship was a red flag for me but you caught that too and while I thought there was way too much contact, you did seem to be keeping an eye on the situation. I thought you had some sense about you and had matters well in hand until I got to the fifth paragraph 'I tried to make him see where I was coming from' and it all went downhill from there.OP, you must be very careful when using past betrayals to strengthen your case because it almost always backfires. The questions you raised about his Facebook contact with his ex were perfectly valid on their own. But then you ruined it by bringing up the guy from your past and by doing so you, in effect, said 'I'm concerned, but not because there is anything questionable about YOU but because there is something wrong with ME.'Then for some strange reason you decided that it would be a good idea to resolve your issues with him after a night of heavy drinking and that bringing a male friend along would be helpful. Then there was the drunken, profanity laced screaming match in the parking lot. Your behaviour, yours and his was unbelievably trashy and low class.And now you're pretty much begging him to decide whether or not he wants to continue seeing you. BEGGING for God's sake. What are you waiting on him for? Why can't YOU decide for yourself that the man is bad news and simply cut contact? What is so special about him that he gets to make the decision? And why would you want to even see him again?OP, if you want to get over past hurts then you must learn to make better choices. You can't always predict who will behave badly and when, but if and when it does happen you must act decisively and with far more class and maturity than you did here.Don't think M gets a free pass from me. I think he is way too involved with his ex and that tells me he has unfinished business with her. He behaved poorly and I don't think he deserves a second chance.You don't need him to confirm or deny anything. You look at the facts and make a decision for yourself. Stop sending him text messages and don't respond to any of his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): This guy is drama.Do you see yourself acting like this as a couple telling each other to F off when you have kids / grandkids? Does that sound like a potentially good relationship to you?Do you see yourself being afraid to voice your opinion / make your own choices because you don't know when he's going to blow a fuse?Walk away from him.He's bad news.Stop texting someone who treated you badly. It's beneath you. It also gives him power over you because you get more and more desperate. You are already beginning to apologise to him because he's giving you silent treatment. What exactly have you got to apologise for? Wanting to take things slow? You're right where he wants you , in a position of weakness.Delete his number and contacts and don't contact him again. You can do soooo much better!This is coming from someone who has dated a guy like this nutter. Thank your lucky stars you haven't wasted too much time on you.If you can get feelings for a piece of work like him you can have feelings for someone even better because they'll make it easy for you to love them. You're not losing much!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 Sorry, but I think it is already over. You texted him FOUR times and he never answered.... have you ever heard that saying " Who does not deny, confirms " ( or something like that ? ) You told him " I cannot be with someone who does not respect me . I would not be surprised if you would not want to see me again ". Well, don't you think that if you had got it all wrong- and if he cared about still being with you - it would have been HIS interest and priority to answer " No, you got that wrong! I do respect you. And I do want to see you again ". He never did that, draw your conclusions.
Of course there's always the possibility that he is such a self involved prick that he can't take any blame, wants no criticisms, and decided he'll either be sulking incommunicado for undetermined duration, or will be mute on purpose to let you steam until you are frantic and BEG on your knees to have him back.
But in this case I hope you will be wise and proud enough to send him jump in the lake if he should pop up again in a while.
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