A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I met this guy a year ago, We dated but he cheated on me with this girl who hated me( his ex). I know he cared for her but I also know she did it to break us up. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction so I tried to work it out with him, but she succeed in her plan. Anyway, The past year has been hard without him and according to my friends its been the same for him. I decided to Hang out with my friends and he was there. We didn't speak much but before I left he told me he missed me and that he loves me. I left. Although he cheated a year ago, we never talked about it or anything so its still painful . Anyway he asked to hang out, I agreed we finally talked and things were better. We hung out and he kissed me, Come to find out he was crying to my friend that he kissed me and he has a gf and was afraid to tell me because He thought id walk out his life again, and that he broke up with her after we hung out. I confronted him and he broke down on his knees crying. He said hes been with that girl for a while and has never cheated on her but its me and I am the love of his life, so he broke up with her. (I did confirm this just in case he was lying)... I told him Im willing to work things out because although he's cheated, he's been honest about his dirt and he seems so different now. I don't need you guys to tell me Im dumb for getting back with him, or to leave him alone..If that is what youre going to say, please don't even leave a reply. My question is How Do we fix our relationship? How do I trust him when hes out with other people, Im so paranoid. He told me he would never ever in his life cheat on me again and that was the biggest mistake of his life, and I sort of believe him, but Im afraid... Is it possible for us to start over completely without the past ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): It seems to me that your just going to make excuses regardless of how many facts are given to you. In all accounts this man will.cheat/leave/hurt you again. Maybe in two months or two years. His history w/you has been NOTHING but cheating on you & on others. -Do you even know for sure the women he cheated on you with even knew about you?
I'm sorry to tell you sugar, you've been played, & your being played.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe did contact me to see how im doing and try to hang out i just never responded because i wanted to move on, but when i saw him, it was over. I couldnt forget.
I dont think he was stringing her along because they have been together for sometime and he didnt know i was coming back . He told me he loves her but "its me" whatever that means
I did inform him of his cheating
I also feel maybe it did happen to fast (no sex) but its been 2 weeks and im already willing to work it out .
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 December 2013):
 Is this guy REALLY worth the drama that you will have to endure to hang out with - or hold a relationship with - him???
(I wouldn't waste my time....)
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 I don't subscribe to the belief that once a cheater always a cheater. You have to review each case as it comes.There are a couple of points in this case I will mention because I think there is a good chance he will re-offend. Here's why:1. He missed you sooo much that he didn't call you in that year you were apart. Your reunion only came about because of a chance encounter at a party. 2. If he's telling the truth about missing you, then all this time he's been stringing his current girlfriend along. He's using her to fill that VOID left by you.3. He only let his girlfriend go once he was reasonably certain he'd re-established a connection with you (and therefore had no further use for her). If your meeting had gone sour, he'd still be with her.4. He has a history of cheating with his exes. That's you and the woman before you, that we know of. You may not have had sex, but what he did with you that night was cheating. I don't think he deliberately sets out to use and hurt women. It's that he follows his feelings. He does whatever FEELS good for HIM in the moment, not what IS good over the long term. Could I be wrong? Of course and maybe you are the love of his life and this is meant to be. Either way, you got too intimate too quickly and took him back too soon. He doesn't have to be your boyfriend to earn your trust and you shouldn't be kissing or carrying on with him until he is. You keep him at a polite, safe distance the way you do with any acquaintance (a position he was demoted to when he cheated on you) until YOU are COMPLETELY comfortable with him. You let him court you instead of just picking up where you left off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): I won't call you dumb for getting back with him. I won't tell you to leave him alone.To answer your question, 'How do I trust him when he's out with other people, Im so paranoid' Your paranoia is reason / experience / 6th sense looking after you. You can trust him by pretending that the past didn't happen. You can pretend to start from scratch. You can pretend that it was the other woman's fault that he cheated on you the first time and that he cheated with you on his other girlfriend because you were the love of his life. This way, when reason tells you not to trust him you can just ignore it.Or you can keep him under lockdown. No friends and no social life. No phones allowed and no internet access. Because it's easy to delete messages etc. during affair if you try hard enough.Oh but he said he would never cheat on you again didn't he?Well, I'm sure that's what you understood the first time you started going out and that's what he said to his girlfriend whom he cheated on with you.Oh but he confessed everything and came clean. Surely that counts for something right? No advice given here will make you see this as the manipulative action it is. Only hindsight can teach you this lesson.My advice is keep your friends and family close. You will need them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2013):
ok in order for you to trust him he has to be 100% transparent. it will take well over a year of his being 100% honest and open. His friends will call him pussy whipped. it may not be worth it for him.
that means you have the right to call him and check on him every 15 minutes. When you see him he has to hand you his phone and you go through it checking for pictures, porn links, text messages, emails etc.
you have his password to all his emails and webpages including social media.
and what will you do the first time you find something or he hedges his words and stammers over who he's been with and what he's been doing? IF you want this to work you will have to develop a very forgiving and look the other way nature as I doubt a man with a history of cheating on two different women is going to be able to be 100% faithful until he finds the right girl.
How much are you willing to let him get away with? IF you want him on 100% lockdown you will have to forbid him to have any other female friends. He will not be able to go out to a bar with the guys.... he has to become your pet and live at your feet 24/7 in order for you to trust him.
you have every right to be afraid... UNTIL he proves himself you will (rightfully so) not trust him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 Counselling, you cant start over while the past is sitting ther like a big pink elephant. So you need to deal with what went before, work through it, determine the whys and wherefores and then once it has been dealt with you will be able to move on .....
But this will not be easy, which is why I am suggesting couples counselling to help your relationship along the path to recovery.
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