| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: So...here it goes...a little over 7 months ago, my boyfriend moved back down to Florida because he "hated New Jersey". He claimed it was because he couldn't find a job here and that he missed his mom. Since he's been back to Florida, he hasn't gotten a job, has been hanging out all the time with his friends and got into trouble where he is now on probation. My bf, let's call him M, promised me that he would work hard to transfer up here so that he could at least be with me and because his dad could get him a job up here. That and he figured out that there's no way I'm moving to Florida, I consider it a void (no offense to anyone that lives there) but I have other friends that moved down there and they changed for the worse. The other big reason is that he needs to meet my parents still. My mom wasn't too cool with us dating and refused to let us hang out on Valentine's Day and even went so far as to watching who I was texting and calling and such. My dad was more supportive but didn't want us hanging out too much. I'll say this, my past relationship I got cheaten on and they dealt with it and my parents feel like they should control every aspect of my life. Not rebeling by dating him; I actually have a lot in common with him and at the time I wasn't looking for a boyfriend then we met and that changed...Anyways back to the point--His dad told me that my bf has not done anything much really for probation. Meaning that he can't transfer and he would have more time added on to his probation. I asked him when he was coming back up here. He told me "babe, my probation's 24 months...there's not much I can do". I went on to tell him that it is transferrable and I thought I kicked his head into gear with getting back up here. Then I also remembered him and his parents initially telling me that his probation was only for 18 months...I asked his dad who responded with either M is lying or it got extended for him not doing anything. So...I'm pretty much torn. I can't afford to go down there and my parents won't let me anyways. I want him to move back up here. I truly love him, we've been dating a lil less than a year (two weeks), but we've known each other for a while and he admitted that he wanted to ask me out on our initial date which was 2 months prior to us being official. He tells me that he wants to always be with me and stuff. He does that a lot though, he's a romantic. I can be true but I'm more of a realistic person. I want to know if I should give him an ultimatium. I really feel I should. I don't mean like breaking up with him but I do mean something just as effective.Don't tell me I should break up with him, I don't need to hear it anymore. I had a guy for the past week stalking me, telling me how I should break up with M and let's say I had to get M to tell the kid to leave me alone cause I cried a river that nightThank you !
View related questions:
stalking, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i know what he did.His reasoning to his probo was that his dad actually has a steady job and can get him a job working with him up here.His mom is like...well a stripper. To put it blatantly. She recently got back into drugs were his kid sister had to go back to a foster home and when his probationary officer found that out she contacted M's father to see if there was room up here for him. The dad said yes but all M would have to do is the 30 or so hours he has left on commnity service. He only owes like..3000 left and if he pays that off he's off probation. Otherwise it's 18 or 24 months. It gets cleaned off his record too. Basically what happened was that he was with a friend that told M that it was okay for them to use his mom's car. The friend lied and the car got smashed up bad cause the friend couldn't drive. The mom pressed charges against both of them. Her son had a rap sheet and this broke his own probation and got him a few years in jail. M just got probation and having to pay back the lady and community service.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 OP, I don't think he can come. Probation transfer is not a right , it's not I do X and automatically get Y. It's discretionary ( when required by the person under probation and not ordered by the tribunal which sentenced him ).
First, there are the conditions of his probation which he must have strictly adhered to so far , without any slip up. Then, he needs anyway to have permission from his probation officer and if this officer says, or said, no,... he will have his own good reasons.
Then the sending state must supply detailed documented evidence of why they want to send him to the receiving state ( and be sure that " because he want to see his gf " is not a good reason enough ). On the other hand, the receiving state is not obliged to take him in, they can say no thanks, we don't want him.
Plus, to apply he must have been a resident of New Jersey for at least one year prior the offense, and, most importantly, he MUST have a job lined up there , or other legal source of income waiting for him, or at least resident family members ( not friends, not a gf. Family ).
Finally, there's a chunky fee to pay for transfers.
As you see, it's not a matter of ultimatums, it's more that , having no job and no income, and having his family there in Florida, if he gives as reason for transfer request " I miss my babe " chances are that his probation officer , or/ and the court will just roll on the floor laughing .
That limits your choices to A) you move down to Florida , or B) stay where you are, and carry on long distance or C ) ( my favourite one ) find yourself a local resident without already a rap sheet at such a young age.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (6 January 2013):
From what I'm reading there are several big problems:
- Him getting into trouble and then being vague about probation is a serious red flag. First of all, don't underestimate what he did. You don't get 2 years of probation for stealing a snickers bar. You get it for drug offenses, owning illegal weapons, ruining property, violence, etc. In short, he committed a serious offense. This should be what you're focusing on, because your boyfriend is basically a criminal. Do you even know what he did? His vagueness about it all makes it worse. It could mean he simply isn't very interested in the relationship anymore. In this case, giving him an ultimatum will make it very easy for him to end the relationship.
Now, even if he showed he's making up for his mistakes, you have a second problem:
- lack of compromise: he doesn't want to go back to Jersey and you don't want to go to Florida. Well, if you can't figure out some middle ground you can both live with, this relationship is over whether you want to hear it or not.
- Your parents's wariness of him. Don't just dismiss their attitude as them wanting to make your life harder. Often, when family and friends do not like your boyfriend, there is a legit reason for it. With him being unable to hold and get a job, his troubles with the law, I wouldn't want my friend or sister hanging out with him either. Why? Because you deserve better and you can get someone better.
-Your 'stalker' warning you off. Who is he? Judging by you calling him a 'kid' he's younger than you. He may just be concerned. If he made you cry some of his words must have hit home to you.
Love is not enough to make a relationship work. And judging from what you wrote, you love him more than he does you. If he was a responsible person, seriously committed to his girlfriend he wouldn't have put his future in danger by being so reckless and stupid.
Try to look at the bigger picture here. You already know the pain of being with a bad boyfriend. Don't get tunnelvision and let your love blind you for this guy's flaws because you'll just get hurt again.
...............................
|
