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female
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*ertiedog
writes: I need help please. I recently found out that my boyfriend of 9 years was being unfaithful to me. He is at university and we live 300 miles apart. I discovered as I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and looked on his mobile phone, and there was filthy text messages from her. His replies were just normal, friendly not filthy like hers at all. We are no longer together. I have not seem him for a while however we still text each other and speak to each other a couple of times a week. I have found out from his parents and his mates here, that he says that she means nothing to him and that she puts herself about, they are just friends and he has no feelings for her. She's just there. I cannot understand how he cannot have feelings for her? Can they just be friends who have sex? Or is there more to it? I really really want him back. I cannot understand how he can have moved on to someone else so quickly. I am totally hearbroken and cannot accept and move on. Please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): It's utterly agonising when someone you love betrays your trust like this. What makes it worse is trying to find answers for everything. Answers to questions like "How could he do it".
The short answer, I think, is that people just have different morals and standards. Some can enter in to a sexual relationship without love or feelings, others have sex within a commited relationship.
Your pain comes from trying to rationalise that someone you loved didn't have the same ideals and values about sex and relationships as you do. If you loved him, you would have adored him, looked up to him and felt inspired by him. All these feelings come through opening up your self to him, and this is why it hurts so much now. You feel betrayed and hurt, with him, but also with yourself for getting being wrong about him.
To move on from a relationship it is apparently good to force yourself to take your mind off it. Go out with friends that will cheer you up. If you find yourself thinking about him, think about the negative things about him, and the fact that he cheated on you like that. Feel inspired knowing that one day you will find someone else that will treat you so much better, someone who has the same ideals about relationships and sex as you do.
Good luck ok?
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 You have broken up. He cheated. He couldnt have loved you enough in the first place if he went off and had sex with someone else. Stop analysing it, you are just prolonging the agony. So what if he doesnt care about her, why is this now your concern ? He blew it with you, if he was really truly sorry then he would have told you. Sounds like hes quite happy to have sex with her if and when he pleases. hes probably decided he doesnt want any commitment and the sex with freinds is cool for him, thats way he doesnt have to care about her. Move on, he has, you deserve better than that. The longer you keep mulling it over, and the all the questions you are asking his family will drive your insane. You are trying to fuel your fire by asking if he cares about her, he doesnt care about either of you or he wouldnt have done what he did.
Clear him from your head and start afresh!
take care
x
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A
male
reader, DoctorGayLove +, writes (11 June 2006):
Unfortunately some long distance relationships lack sex, and some people really want sex. It is possible for many men to disassociate sex from love, and have sex with someone they don't or won't love, just for the fun of it. Women can't do this as well (not that that's a bad thing). Odds are from how you described the text messages, he loves you and not her.
Whether he's having sex with her or not is another issue. Maybe he is, maybe not, though the other woman does seem to be quite forward. Why he doesn't just shoot her down you ask? Well maybe because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, or maybe because she has something to hold against him. Who knows?
Either way, talk about it openly and if you're possibly open to him having sex with other chicks while you're away, also make it clear that you want the same freedom.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (11 June 2006):
 Forget this bloke, he is just no good.
The sooner you get over him the better as yes some people can have sex and it mean nothing, that is why men like prostitutes, there is no emotional attraction or baggage, it is quick and uncomplicated sex with no strings except the exchange of money.
Does not matter how or why or what she is or isnt to him, what matters is that he cheated and so did not care about how this would impact on you.
Forget him and chalk him down to experience, save yourself the heartache.
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