A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone , I'm 25 my boyfriend is 37 and he has a 14 year old daughter. His childs mother lives in another state and his parents and himself raises her. His mom had a party for New Years and I went, I was extremely surprised when I saw his daughter because she basically had on the same outfit I did which was a tight mini, low cut, gold dress we had the same red lipstick on and her was curled up just like mine, she looked more like 25 then 14. It made me feel uncomfortable because I felt like her outfit was too mature. I spoke to my bf later and he he did mention to talk her about her dress and it being to form fitting and made her read some article about being a hidden pearl. He went on to say maybe I should talk to her. I personally feel like that's not my place and I told her something she would probably hate me although we have been together for three years. I feel like this time in a young girls life is extermely sensitive and he needs to be on top of her more.. How do I tell him? Also I have tried getting close to her but I don't think she wants to be so what do I do! Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 January 2013):
No, he is in the wrong here, it is not your responsibility to tell her. She will see it as you ''hate'' her or are jealous of her (of course this is not the case here, but 14 year olds havent fully matured just yet and cant always think rationally), it will also create some resentment or unease between you so he should do it, as her father
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (8 January 2013):
 In short, she is HIS daughter and if he isn't happy about it then HE should deal with it (or her mother).
If it's something you're not comfortable with because you don't have that sort of relationship then you did the right thing and told him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I'll focus on the "fact" that you're closer in age to the daughter than to the Daddy..... and suggest that you dump HIM and become BFF with HER.....
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (7 January 2013):
Dear OP,I also wouldn't recommend that you do anything.Teenage girls just sometimes dress too mature, they're still experimenting and don't have a clue about the effects of their appereance. A wrong word from her father might even do damage to her self confidence and she might misunderstand it as a general disapproval or him thinking she's not beautiful (or too fat). Also, if you basically wear the same things, but telling her she's too young to wear something like you.. she will definitely see it as a provocation and an unjustified attempt at taking her mothers' place. And she must find it a double standard if her father tells her something about too form fitting outfits and her being a hidden pearl, when his girlfriend walks around in almost the same tight mini.Protecting the girl is important, but there needs to be a balance between being too strict and being too indifferent. Building her self confidence and teaching her to say no, giving her knowledge about safe sexuality, making rules about which time she needs to be home, having her only going out with a group of people that can share a taxi - I think these things will protect her more than just telling her what she can't wear.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Where was the New Years Eve party at? Was she supervised? (as in was there adults around or not)
Does she dress like this everyday? Or was it just for the party?
If it was just for the party I see no harm, no foul. If she dresses up in provocative clothes every day I would sit down with your BF and maybe give him some tips on what he can suggest as far as fashion and how fashion/clothes can make you seem like something you are not. For instance, older then your true age and so forth.
I think at 14 many girls have dressed up (basically) and looking older then their age, I know I went to many parties at 15-16 dressing FAR older then my age and never doing anything "bad" or promiscuous.
You can dress her up as a nun, and if she hasn't been raised to have enough self-value and common sense she will act out. It is NOT all about the dress.
I DO NOT think this is your job either. IF you aren't close with her after 3 years, I see absolutely no reason for you to try and tell her how she should dress. BUT if you want to help out, WHY not take her shopping? She her what looks good on her, without having to resort to dressing to "old" ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): It sounds like you'll be wasting your time anyway if you had a word with her. You said she doesn't want to be any closer to you than she has to be, so she won't have any respect for you. Her father is her father and if he doesn't ever take responsibility for guiding her in the right direction, she's hardly going to think its your place to I'm afraid.
You need to pass this responsibility back over to him, just tell him you know his daughter and yourself don't have the best bond in the world, but you don't want to destroy what bond you do have with her, and you feel she will resent you for trying to tell her how to live her life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): "When I saw his daughter because she basically had on the same outfit I did which was a tight mini, low cut, gold dress we had the same red lipstick on and her was curled up just like mine, she looked more like 25 then 14."Daughter views you as competition for her father's affections; given the ages of the parties involved, she doesn't perceive you as a replacement for her mother as much as a threat to her position as Daddy's Little Girl. "I personally feel like that's not my place and I told her something she would probably hate me although we have been together for three years."Kudos for realizing it's not your place while understanding she needs more hands-on guidance. Your boyfriend should know that being his girlfriend grants you no parental authority whatsoever, implied or otherwise, even if you were old enough to be her mother, which you aren't. "I feel like this time in a young girls life is extremely sensitive and he needs to be on top of her more.. How do I tell him?"With great difficulty. Depending on your relationship with her, I'd suggest you talk to his mother about becoming a strong, active, involved female role model in her granddaughter's life. It will also let her know that you are not comfortable overstepping your place as newer-model gitlfriend. "Also I have tried getting close to her but I don't think she wants to be so what do I do!"Nothing you can do. As the daughter of the random male with whom you happen to be sleeping, she is under no obligation to bond, form any kind of relationship, or even like you. You're her father's acquaintance, not hers.
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