A
male
age
30-35,
*andomando
writes:My ex girlfriend and i love each other alot. Im not putting words in her mouth she has told me that she loves me even tho we are broken up. Its my fault why we broke up. I was drunk and went online and sexted another girl. I honestly didnt know what I was doing and I didnt know I even did what I did until she went through my computer and found the conversation. Its been almost a month since this happened. I dont understand this but she actually told me to go find another girl and we would never get back together and stuff. She didnt listen to my side of the story because she doesnt trust me and she has past relationship cheating problems. I didnt cheat on her with this girl I was talking to online. I was just drunk and we talked. I wasnt aloud to be friends with this girl so I deleted her from my facebook the next day after (I friend requested her that night before) but I didnt know about the conversation. (I would have deleted it if i did). I really do love my ex alot. Even tho what i did might not seem like I do but I mean, idk I made a mistake. i didnt do anything physical even tho emotional stuff seems to be worse then physical stuff for girls. idk Cant we make mistakes and be forgiven too? I dont get why this has to be a life lesson to learn from when we both love each other. She calls me and texts me everyday. I answered once today because she drunk texted me and called me last night so I wanted to make sure she is okay. She asked me why my voice sounded weird and i said because Im sick and she said well its probably because your partying too much. I said just ya. then she asked how many people I hooked up with. I didnt answer then she responded ten minutes, since you didnt answer me ill take that as a yes. So how many. I didnt respond that really hurt me. I love her so much I would never do that. I didnt hook up with girls before her. I really dont do that or want to do that. It got me really mad and sad and made me feel like some sort of cheating piece of s***. Maybe I am i dont feel like I am. I love her. alot. Idk I dont even party that much I have gone out a couple times but I was miserable. I stayed home last night in my dorm while my roommate went out and i watched the note book.. and yes I cried. Shes seriously my princess and not including this really fucked up thing I did I treat her like one. ALot of my friends broke up with there girfriend or got dumped and didnt even care. Why cant I just forget her then? Why do i have to feel so shitty and my friends can go out and act like there gf never existed? How can I earn her trust back? She still loves me so can I? Should I let her go? should I find another girl? I dont want to, Its funny because I could have been involved in a couple relationships before her but I knew I was gona end up hurt so I didnt. but she was different. She was amazing the most beautiful, fun girl ever. Idk what to do. leave her? I told her we cant be friends. I cant see her with another guy. It would kill me. Idk what to do. all help insight anything would be helpful thank you for reading.
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male
reader, landomando +, writes (29 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCIndy I am doing both. But shes telling me we wont get back together(for years) and shes telling me she loves and texts me and calls me and all this stuff you shouldnt be doing if you break up. So what should i do. I feel like if I show her I want her back the less she cares. Then if i just ignore her she wants me and goes crazy until i talk to her. then I talk to her and shes heartless towards talking. and the more I want her back the farther I push her away cause girls are like that! She did this to me before. I she broke up with cause we fought said wed never get back together then we did.. I am not a mind reader and this is confusing especially for a guy. I almost feel like she just wants to get reactions out of me...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Op, you think she should show more self respect. But "he/she should " are the most pointless useless words of the English language. Maybe she should,but... does she ?
Things are what they are not what they should be, and you cannot control other people's actions and emotions, only your own. Start from yourself, decide if you are striving to get her back or striving to move on, because at the moment you are sort of doing both at the same time and clearly it's not working.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (28 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think she needs to show more self respect.. she needs to move on if she thinks im a terrible guy not keep me around. Its like respecting yourself.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (28 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont think she needs to show more self respect.. she needs to move on if she thinks im a terrible guy not keep me around.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2011):
 "First, My girlfriend past is, well ****ed up. I am her third boyfriend and every boyfriend before me cheated on her. Her Dad also cheated on her Mom for 5 years with her moms best friend! Cheating is not something that's okay and not something that is accepted by her. Cheating has destroyed her family and basically ruined her life until she found me. I am 100% against cheating. I hate it and have lost friends who have cheated on their girlfriend. I do not respect them and therefore are not friends with them anymore. Her last boyfriend deceived my girlfriend. She ignored that he cheated on her for a month and pretended it hadn't happened until she woke up! And realized it had happened! She then broke up with him. She really felt like an idiot and swore it would never happen again. "
"I just need help please write. Tips insight. How to get her back anything. (I know I'm in college and can get girls I don't want to hear that)"
"How am i ever going to get her to trust me again?"
These are from your first post on the topic.
Look, I was being a bit harsh in my reply just now, so I wanted to talk a bit more to you about this situation.
You have an ex who is emotionally fragile, who apparently suffers from low self-esteem and whose past and family life has been tarnished by cheating. You fulfilled her assumption that you were going to cheat on her--you did by sexting, granted it wasn't as bad as the last ex, but you had promised promised lovey kissy that you'd never ever hurt her like that.
Yes, she shouldn't be nasty to you but you did say you were prepared to do whatever you could to get her trust back. Part of it is going to be unpleasant for you.
You have to stop playing into her insecurities and you have to stop playing ostrich with her if you want to salvage anything out of this relationship.
Keep in mind that she is not particularly mature herself and hasn't learned how to communicate without accusations and assumptions.
You both have to remove the filters that are clogged with past history, assumptions and bias. You both have to practice active listening. You both have to understand the other's position. If you can't do that, don't bother trying to fix this, because you will be stuck in the same rut you are caught up in. She may not be able to do it because of her past and her age. You may not be able to do it because you are so defensive and have your own set of knee-jerk reactions.
Respond to her, nicely, and let her know that you will contact her when you've both calmed down.
In the meantime, do a bit of research on active listening and fighting fair, and have her do the reading on it as well. It will help you resolve the mess in a more adult fashion and will help you in future relationships, okay?
Sorry for the homework assignment but I simply don't have the time to tell you about it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2011):
You're being self-centered, and perhaps it's a typical immaturity due to age or perhaps it's going to be a life-long thing.
You're posted about this before, you admit to the sexting, your ex has issues with previous bfs cheating on her, you want her back, but how can she ever trust you again is the gist of those posts.
So now you have her desperately trying to contact you, and you cut her off, because you've decided that she needs to show more self-respect? Ha! That's funny, aren't you the one who wanted her back so desperately you were crying for days?
Honestly, if you can't see how cruel you are being to her, just cut all contact, after having the decency to tell her that you've decided to go "no contact." And try to remember that you are now part of her past, filed under the "cheaters who have hurt me" section.
It would be simpler if you just talked to her and tried to reconciliate instead of over-analyzing things. Remember your initial stated goal of getting her back and doing whatever it took? Well part of that is to stop punishing her for liking you still.
Grow up, take your medicine or let her go without all this unnecessary teen drama.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 September 2011):
OR, you could have the decency/self respect to not talk to her and move on with your life and not LET her keep you around. You have got your own brain and will and feelings, you can decide what works for you and what does not. I guess it's pretty normal that once you broke her trust, she is going to have trust issues, and be a bit paranoid. It's only up to you to decide if you can put up with her paranoiia in the attempt to get her back and show her that you have become in fact trustworthy- or ,to decide that the relationship is now irreparably tainted and unhealthy and move on once for all.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (27 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo i was talking to my ex girlfriend yesterday I said I was sick and she immediately thought it was because I was hooking up with other girls. I didnt text her back. I was actually really mad at her for thinking that. Then again she probably has a right too.. but she called me 10 times and has texted me over 15 and I havent responded i feel like a dick but I honestly feel like she is playing with me. And just saying stuff to hurt me and might take me back(because she has done that before) or she is just holding on to me until she moves on or stops caring about me. Well I dont like this situation at all.. of course and I dont want to be her friend. i honestly cant talk to her and comfort her until she finds a new guy. I think thats to painful for me. and She did that to her last boyfriend but there was no chance they were going to get back together because he actually had sex with 2 other girls and hooked up with a couple. Honestly I think what she is doing is pathetic and I dont know if I should tell her. The fact that she is saying im doing all this stuff and im not she should have the decency/self respect to not talk to me and move on with her life instead of keeping me around. You know.. or am i being self centered?
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (27 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo i was talking to my ex girlfriend yesterday I said I was sick and she immediately thought it was because I was hooking up with other girls. I didnt text her back. I was actually really mad at her for thinking that. Then again she probably has a right too.. but she called me 10 times and has texted me over 15 and I havent responded i feel like a dick but I honestly feel like she is playing with me. and just saying stuff to hurt me and might take me back(because she has done that before) or she is just holding on to me until she moves on or stops caring about me. Well I dont like this situation at all.. of course and I dont want to be her friend. i honestly cant talk to her and comfort her until she finds a new guy. I think thats to painful for me. and She did that to her last boyfriend but there was no chance they were going to get back together because he actually had sex with 2 other girls and hooked up with a couple. Honestly I think what she is doing is pathetic and I dont know if I should tell her. The fact that she is saying im doing all this stuff and im not she should have the decency/self respect to not talk to me and move on with her life instead of keeping me around. U know.. or am i being self centered?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): Okay, first of all, sexting is cheating. You first said you were sexting, then said you were just talking. But, sexting is definately cheating. Even when you are drunk you are still cheating, even if you black out and don't remember it. It is really easy to get into these situations when you're drunk. My advice is don't get so drunk that you black out. You are an adult and it is your responsibility to know you are a black out drunk, and it is up to you to avoid that. Was getting drunk worth this? I'm guessing not. Next, yes, emotional cheating is worse for a woman although physical cheating is not good either. And sexting is both. No, you didn't actually touch her. But you were probably doing other things to yourself. And if she had been there in the room with you, then it probably would have been physical. It would be really hard to come back to trust after that. And since you know she has been hurt in the past, she has build up this way of cutting out cheaters to defend herself. You can't forget her because you love her. But, it will be really hard to win her back. I suggest you not get together with other girls. Avoid sexting and flirt chatting at all costs. Don't have any compromising pictures of other girls you know on your PC ever. If you get flirted to (like on facebook, twitter, whatever,) make it clear you're not interested. Maybe, just maybe, if you show you're not looking for someone and keep honest with her, you will win her back. Just know that you will need to continue to be that way for your entire relationship. Because she won't put up with it if you flirt, sext, etc.
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