A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had dated for a little over a year, and we were originally matched together by a mutual friend from high school. This mutual friend was an former ex of my boyfriend's. Now I knew at the beginning that my boyfriend and his former ex had remained "really close" friends for years after they briefly dated, but after my boyfriend and I started getting serious, it started to bother me how almost too close my boyfriend and his ex seemed to be. He had actually told me on our very first date that he was still giving her around $100.00 a month on and off for school and medical expenses, and when he wasn't sending her money monthly, he was still taking her shopping and buying her expensive things like hair straighteners, groceries, and one time in front of me was helping her buy furniture for her apartment at Target. He had told me that after they had stopped dating 5 years ago, he continued to have a three-year "obsession" over her and could not get over her, even though she did not feel the same for him (though she encouraged him to keep spending money on her and continue to take her out). When my boyfriend and I were out on dates together, they would continously text eachother the whole time, almost every single time we went out together, constantly dividing his time between me and his "former love". They had their own "inside jokes" and deep conversations/language between eachother that I constantly felt left out of. They had special nicknames for eachother; she called him her "kuya" which in filipino means "my brother", but according to her could also be used between couples (for example, a girl can call her boyfriend "kuya" if she wanted to). They were both half filipino and half white. They both liked smoking weed and getting high and drunk together. I didn't do these things. The night before we broke up, my boyfriend snuck off to go get drunk with his ex at a bar and didn't tell me. It was the first time he started being secretive with me about them hanging out because we had argued so much before about what was going on. The last date we ever went on the very next day, while we were still at the movies together, he got another text from his ex and her girlfriends asking him to come hang with them again after he just finished hanging out with them all night before. We got into our last big fight after that. He told me that if he went to hang with them, he'd take me with him. I said no. I told him that I did not want to see his ex or her other girlfriends. I told him that I just wanted to see him; that he had already hung out with her and her friends the night before; that it was my turn to see him. He basically told me "tough" and said if I didn't go with him to hang out with her and her friends, he would break up with me. In anger I said "Fine!". It's been 6 months now, and I still can't seem to get over what happened. He says that I just "didn't want him to have other friends" and that I was "too jealous" of him and the other girl; that I wanted to be the "only" girl in his life and that was wrong. Was he right? Was I the one that was wrong? Please help..I really wish I could just move on, ..and get over him. Was it my fault?
View related questions:
broke up, drunk, her ex, his ex, jealous, money, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everybody who offerd their advice :)
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 It wasnt all of your fault no but if you trusted him that he was just friends with her then you shouldnt have tried to come in between them but its natural for us all to get jelous sometimes, it was his money so it should have been up to him how he spent it but he should also have made time for you and told his ex that she shouldnt text when you are both spending time together as you both needed sometime alone or he should have just not texted back so he is partly to blame as well.
But daring as much it is harsh its the truth he obviously didnt care that much about you if he just dropped you like a hat to go and meet his ex its obvious he still held a torch for her so he is going to end up getting hurt aswell as she is just using him for money and company and doesnt want him as anything more.
I think you should be grateful to be out of this relationship because his loyalties will always lie with his ex and she will continue to use him until he finally wakes up and sees that he is never going to buy her love.
I think you need to cut all contact with him if you havent already done so and concentrate on going out with your friends and keeping yourself busy it will get easier in time and hopefully next time you will meet a guy that is dedicated to you and treats you the way you should be treated good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, sneha_1492  +, writes (7 November 2010):
No sweety it is NOT your fault at all ! Trust me on this one. You didn't so anything to him. He was the one who kept hurting you and didn'y understand you. He should probably know that one of the rules of going out with someone is never talking about their ex girlfriends. I do have kind of a similarity, not the same situation but a problem with the ex itself. And I've never told him about it. We'e not together now. But I keep thinking to myself would I want to be in a relatipnship where I'm juts a side-kick and his ex is the real gf ? NO ! The same question applies to you honey. Do you want to love someone with all your heart while he doesn't even have any time for you ? or any respect ? And after everything he puts the blame on you !! No girl deserves such a guy honey. You just gotata hold yourself together cos no guy's worth a girls tears. If he loves you he would never want to see you sad. Hope this helped ! :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Dizme +, writes (7 November 2010):
First of all no it wasn't all your fault. It may have been a communication issue on both your parts. I for one do not agree with someone I am in a relationship with maintaining a high level of contact with an ex. Especially one that manipulates them and they still have strong feelings for. Any person who let's someone pull them this way or that and jeapordize their current relationship, in my opinion is not really wanting to be in their current relationship. Should you trust him, yes but you can't be a push over and idiot either. There must be a ballance and it seems like he was a my way or the high way kinda guy. If she was both of your friends then she should not be doing this either but she didn't seem to care and in all honesty seems to know and do what she can to control him. I do not know if you are asian but there are things in that culture like the fact they use kinship to describe friends. Such as brother for friend etc. That is true. And from what I have seen the women find no problem in using men for their material gains. If he is too blind to see this then you are better off. It is weird. I am part asian and have seen it in my family. Men have this constant desire to be the big shot. Money is no object etc etc. Women play the men and that is their show of power control what ever. If this doesn't work in your scheme of things then don't put up with it. This will never go away especially if this is how they were raised. I think you should move on. It seems like the best thing is to get closure but it can be difficult. Do not go back. it wasn't your fault. Move on. Hope this has helped.
...............................
|
