A
female
age
41-50,
*amaraRR
writes:****My first question was incomplete, ignore. Please answer this one!****I am friends with these two guys for about 9 years. They are both married. I noticed over the past 4 years the relationship with the two of them crossed over so many boundaries in terms of how they relate and communicate with me and how they would react if other guys were remotely interested in me. Although neither informed me of their intentions on towards, I have no doubt of their mutual affections for me from the way they behaved and the things they've said. Their feelings were implied but never declared outright. I've picked up on this aspect of their behaviour and have tested it to no end where I'm convinced they feel the same way. I have never been physical with either of them all this time. Just to note these two guys are best friends.Bombshell happened which proves out what I suspected all along!! One of them moved to another State temporarily. I happened to be talking to him about something and he said to me to come and visit him. I pretended I didn't hear and left the conversation without giving him a response. We didn't speak till about a week later. He popped the question again. This time he wouldn't leave the conversation till I gave him confirmation of my visit. The visit is upcoming and I'm making plans to go. The other guy knows about the pending visit. He has spoken to me about it. No, he won't be making the trip. The guy who asked me to visit did say he would make the time and spend it with me while I visit with him. I think I really like both of them but believe spending time with one first and not with the other is unfair to the other. The other doesn't seem to mind, but I think it is unfair. I don't want to hurt either because they've been very respectful towards me, been very kind and really put a smile on my face when I'm down and have listened to my many complaints and banters. I do not want to hurt either by doing anything that would be disagreeable to the relationship. I need some advice on how to get through this situation I'm in. Please help !
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 May 2017):
 Do you have an ear for their wives as well? You say you are close friends but it sounds from your post that you are wanting more than that. Have you fallen for one or both off them? Honestly friends or not you should NEVER cross that barrier if someone is married. End off.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): I wasn't being mean, but I am being frank. There are boundaries; and when we have problems to discuss, that's what wives are for.
I guess sometimes the shoe has to be on the other foot before people can see how it feels. You call it friendship; but maybe your post comes across to us in the wrong way. I don't take back a word; but I hope you are open and just as respectful and friendly to the wives of these two married-men.
...............................
A
female
reader, PamaraRR +, writes (6 May 2017):
PamaraRR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it's been over a week since my post and oh my, all the comments are really mean!!! I'm not a mean or heartless person!! People cannot help who they fall for or become very close with. These men know if they need someone to vent with there are always a pair of listening ears to talk to. They know they have a friend with whom they can share their problems. One person commented that I should close my legs and go find someone single. What? I've known these two men for a very long time and the thought have never crossed my mind to sleep with either. I'm not afraid of love or loving other men. I've tried to step out and discover relationships with other men, but they talk me out of it and discourage it because they want the best person for me. Nevertheless, I did put my question out there asking for help so I truly deserve what was said. As for the situation, we are still very close friends and I really do care about their feelings and wouldn't want to see either hurt in any way!!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 May 2017):
Wow what a truly nasty heartless person you are. I mean sorry but how on earth is it a good idea to play along with married men? I think you want them to chase after you. It sounds to me like they are your FRIENDS. They are married does that not mean anything to you? If they have feelings for you then I am glad that they have not acted on it. But you no what maybe the other man doesn't care you are going to visit his friend because hey they are both already taken and you are just their friend. Honestly if you had any self respect you would keep your legs closed and find a man for yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, AnnalisaV  +, writes (29 April 2017):
 If it is friendship they feel for you, there will be no jealousy.
If you feel that they are actually in love with you, than you really should ask yourself how good a friend you have been to them: would a true friend cause her best friend to a) emotionally cheat on his wife?
b) make both him and another man make the mistake of falling for you, when you clearly love neither?
Because, if you care for a man, you do not keep testing his feelings and play against another, best friend or otherwise.
Also, how can you trust a man to love and care for you, when he cannot be true to the woman he has promised to love and cherish for life?
If I were you, I would encourage both men to spend some quality time with their wives; then I would avoid them both and concentrate on myself, until I felt ready for a relationship, because, from the situation you describe, it sounds like you are playing love safe by being friends with taken men, probably to avoid the risks of something better... But you also crave the attention.
Truly love yourself and the right man will come :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2017): Why is it that posts like these totally ignore the fact that married-men have wives and families? He's betraying the person who thinks he loves her; but he won't leave her. Which only means he likes to get sex on the side whenever it's available and the opportunity arises.
The wives sit at home, wondering where their man is. There's this female out there who is texting and calling him and acting as though she doesn't exist. That her feelings don't matter, and destroying her marriage is as casual as swatting a fly. No one cares about her pain or fears. She often suspects; but everyone keeps it on the down-low to pull the wool over her eyes. She puts up with his lying, he makes her wonder if she's not pretty enough or too fat; because she notices that his eyes wonder. He has these female-friends that seem to call at odd times. He starts to show her less affection, gets short-tempered with her, picks fights, and finds every excuse he can to get away from her.
That woman will be you someday. That will be your karma.
If it has never been physical between you and these guys, keep it that way. Don't visit the guy; because you know that it would be wrong. His wife deserves better than living a lie while you contemplate bedding her man. Then you'll have to look her in the face and pretend you're just a friend; and not after her husband. You're trustworthy and wouldn't dare cross that line. Not circling above like a vulture, and ready to land the minute her back is turned.
It may swell your ego to think two men are competing for your attention. The point is, they're only trying to see who will get you to cross the line first. You'll be one or the other's conquest. They want to see if you're available for a fling on the side. It has nothing to do with how much they love you. It's getting a piece on the side and the women waiting at home thinks you're all just good friends.
If you want a man, find one who isn't married. Tasting of the forbidden fruit leads to the worst karma. When love finds you, you will too taste the sting of betrayal. That woman who thought a man loved her and would forsake all others, will be you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2017): To me sorry op .. your playing a very dangerous game here and I think it's absolutely awful when either sex and then mascarade as something . I.e. Your pretence these men are just friends; when in fact your not !!! Where is your moral compas . Because I don't understand how you thinking that write on here and favourable response . I wonder what happen if their wife's get wind of this as believe me "hell have no fury as a women scorned " .. I'm wonder and being honest feel a bit sick in the stomach , have you been welcomed into their home at any time? Sat and broken bread with their wife's .. spoke with their children ? I mean it takes a certain kind of person, to do what your going to do ?! And the words that came to my mind are unprintable being honest
I don't think hardly aunt and uncles here Will encourage or defend your actions .
If I were you op .. I'd get off this ego ride before someone pushes you off
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (29 April 2017):
 If this really is just friendship, I'm not sure how visiting one of your friends would be unfair to the other. But it's not, or there wouldn't be an issue.
The fact that you ask about it suggests to me that on some level you know what YOU have with these two married guys is also crossing a boundary, in addition to the boundaries they have crossed in their own marriages by pursuing this "friendship" with you. They both seem to lack morals entirely on their own, as this friendship they have with you is no doubt conducted in complete secret from their wives, but do your dignity a favor and don't enable them to continue with the emotional cheating by being a ready participant. You know they're after more than friendship. Therefore they are not good candidates to keep as friends no matter how well they might listen.
Honestly I think you'd be much better off making friends who aren't in some kind of competition with one another over their ulterior motives for you. Because that's not what friendship is. Single friends might be best, if you're having trouble weeding out the married guys with less than proper intentions.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 April 2017):
 They are both married! What are you thinking? Can't you find a single guy for yourself? Is it easier to chase after married guys?
I don't get it.
It sounds like you ENJOY this triangle thing and forget all about what is decent (not start shit with married men) or what is smart (not start shit with married men).
Do you ever think how this can affect their families? Wife, kids, etc? Or is this ALL about you getting your EGO stoked?
If you want a MAN in your life, find one that ISN'T married, who can LOVE you and BE with you. Not just use you when it's convenient.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2017): You dont even need to ask this question do you?
Its obvious that you never cross the line between friendship, respect and non intimacy!
Clearly the outcome if you did would be heartache and disrespect!
I expect the other guy would do you as well just to even up and then they would both drop you!
You dont need the tears and smears!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 April 2017):
 This will probably not be what you want to hear but, based on what you have said, my advice would be to leave these married men to their marriages/wives/families and find new friends and/or a partner of your own.
What right have you to "test" them on their feelings for you? What game are you playing? How do you think their wives (and children, if they have any) would feel knowing how you are manipulating their feelings? Do you stay in these pseudo relationships with these two guys because they make you feel desirable? Safe? Cared for?
My guess is you are quite attractive but insecure, so playing with these two married guys' feelings boosts your confidence as you can keep "testing" them but not have to offer anything in return. Imagine if this post was the other way round and you were writing in about YOUR husband/partner who you believed had feelings for (I assume a younger) attractive woman who was playing games with him. How would you feel?
I doubt you will take my advice but I will give it anyway: cut loose from both these men and find a man of your own and friends who can be just friends.
...............................
|
