A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am single and not really dating, my BF is happily married but I thought we were best friends. We have been friends for over 3 years. When I moved to town and met her at church she instigated the friendship and I felt overwhelmed by her kindness and how much interest she took in me and my wellbeing and how open she was with me and I really genuinely liked her as well. This quickly moved into a very close friendship; talking over email everyday, usually meeting for coffee/girly dinner or something every other month, but always seeing each other in church on sundays and being in the same weekly home group as she and her husband. She shared a lot of her past problems with me and always came to me with anything she was going through and I was always there for her. I have never had anyone be that open with me and I felt like she must really think we were close and I did too. I still have the emails where she tells me she wouldn't know what to do without me, that I was really special to her, even her husband said I was their closest friend and if I ever needed anything at all I just had to ask. I have always noticed that very often things were on her terms - where to meet, what to do, how long she could stay for - but I cut her some slack as I knew she had a busy life and also she was married and had other priorities in that sense, plus when we spoke she was really such a nice person to be around. Then over the last few months she and her husband have pretty much disapeared from our social circle (all friends from church) and she has been turning down my suggestions to catch up with vague reasons that don't always add up. However she has kept up with daily email. I have asked if anything is wrong, can I do anything, has someone offended them etc but she always just said they were busy or tired and that was all. Then nearly 2 weeks ago, at a church function, she told a lady there that she was pregnant. A couple of people overheard and so she and her hubby announced it to the room and they were 5 MONTHS along! To say I was shocked is an understatement. This explained why they hadn't been around etc and I thought everything would be back to normal now it was all out in the open. I didn't get to speak to her much at the party because there were so many people but I did give her a hug, say how pleased I was, ask whe she was due etc etc. However I was really hurt that she hadn't told me beforehand but had just told this woman she was talking to, and also that everyone was asking me how I had managed to keep the secret for them (they thought we were best friends too) and I had to say I didn't actually know. The next day I emailed to congratulate her again and suggested shopping for clothes etc and offered myself as a babysitter or anything she mightneed when the baby was born. I did say that I was a little hurt she hadn't told me, especially as I must have been pretty annoying nagging them over what was wrong, but that I understoond they probably wanted to be sure everything was ok before they told people. She replied that they were really happy, it was the best thing ever and she hoped I was happy and excited for them. She never mentioned my offer of help or that it had been hard keeping the secret or anything that I might have expected her to say. Since then she has not spoken to me hardly at all. They were not at church that weekend (again, it has been nearly 2 months now) and I found out they have been going to the family service instead and just not told any of us. She hasn't emailed which is unheard of in the 3 years I've known her. I tried to make contact and emailed to ask how her weekend was and said I would love to meet up now that the secret was out because I was so excited for her and wouldn't put my foot in it by asking awkward questions now, but she didn't reply. I didn't hear anything for the next couple of days, then she and her husband came to our regular church small group meeting at my house. She didn't speak to me for the entire evening, apart from when I asked her if she wanted a drink. She didn't even make eye contact. Worried I had done something wrong I sent her an email saying I was really sorry if I had done anything to upset her and I hoped she knew I would never do that intentionally. That her friendship meant a great deal to me and that I missed chatting with her but it seemed that she didn't want to go there right now and I would respect that. I said I was really happy for them and that I just wanted her to know I cared a lot about her and was here if she needed anything at all. She replied saying that she had not been emailing because she was uncomfortable at the amount of personal email at work and she hoped I would notice and back off. Also that she was so happy that she had friends at her workplace to talk to about the pregnancy, as well as her husband and family and that she was in a different stage of life with her husband and I shouldn't expect things to be the same. It didn't mean I was less of a friend but I was a different one now. She finished by saying she was out of town the next few weekends but perhaps we could meet for coffee next month and to take care. I really have no idea what I have done and I feel so hurt. I don't think I could have been a better friend than I have been (so good that when she worried her husband was talking to me too much over a year ago I backed right off and only speak to him when absolutely necessary, which has been really hard as we are both involved in the same church activities, but I was willing to do it to show her she had nothing to worry about) but it seems like I'm not good enough for her new life. She used to joke about us being friends when we're 80 and how she wanted me to be an aunty to her kids but now she has just shut me out, along with the rest of our friends. She was at church this week as her husband was leading the band at our normal service(I sing for the band) but she didn't acknowledge me or even smile back when I looked over at her. I packed up the equipment afterwards and she never made any attempt to approach me, despite talking to other mutual friends, and left before I had finished anyway.I will respect her wishes and not email her or try to contact her but would really like this to blow over eventually but it seems like it will have tobe her decision. However I don't know whether I can continue to be in their church small group but if I leave will that put an end to our friendship permanently and cause more trouble?? I just don't know what I can do for the best.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 I’m so sorry your friend is acting like this. I’m sure you are hurting right now. Are you absolutely certain you didn’t say something offensive to her? I’m sure if you had, you would know.
You said a few things that made me think. First, you wrote, “She was at church this week as her husband was leading the band at our normal service (I sing for the band) but she didn't acknowledge me or even smile back when I looked over at her. I packed up the equipment afterwards and she never made any attempt to approach me, despite talking to other mutual friends, and left before I had finished anyway.”
This tells me that she is ignoring “you”, not the others in the group. She is disassociating herself from the group, in order to distance herself from you.
You said two things that make me suspect this has something to do with her husband. First you wrote, “Even her husband said I was their closest friend and if I ever needed anything at all I just had to ask.” And then you said, “when she worried her husband was talking to me too much over a year ago I backed right off and only speak to him when absolutely necessary.”
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you have done anything wrong, so this is the only thing I can come up with for her behavior. I suspect she thinks you and her husband were getting too close. Even though you and the husband were just good friends, her hormones (due to pregnancy) may have led her to overreact. Before the pregnancy, did she ever give you the impression that she was jealous of you, in any way? If not, these feelings are likely due to the fluctuation in her hormones. Are you still on good terms with the husband, or is he acting strangely as well?
This is extremely unfair, and you deserve an explanation. Since you can’t seem to get a straight answer from her, have you asked her husband what is going on? I suggest you call him, or pull him aside next time you are at band practice, and tell him you deserve to know what is going on. Ask him why she has suddenly decided to end this friendship?
You haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, you’ve been nothing but a good friend to her, so don’t beat yourself up over this. Don't let her behavior stop you from attending your your small church group functions. That won't solve anything. I am interested in hearing what you think about my suggestions, so I look forward to hearing back from you. Keep your chin up!
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (15 February 2011):
 I want to elaborate on this more later because I don't have the time now. My first thought is that if your friend is cutting herself off from not just you, but all of her friends, it could be a sign that she is suffering domestic abuse.
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