A
female
age
26-29,
*mma Heart
writes:I've been best friends with this girl for 5-6 years. We've been extremely close like sisters up until recently. Just the last two years, she started making these shady comments occasionally which she never used to do (comments about my body and about my looks in general, but then she apologised and said she never noticed her being shady and I was "overthinking" so I wanted to forgive her).Then, more recently, I've noticed her replying to my texts less and less. We used to talk almost every day and called each other pretty often just to talk. I am at uni and she's working but she used to take the train to see me at uni. Now, I've invited her up to see me at uni 3 times this year and each time she's said yes, but the day before she had to bail because she's been sick, busy, or something came up. I believe her reasons because she has no reason to lie to me like that and I trust her.But I haven't actually seen her in 5 months. But I see her out with other people a decent amount on social media. She's in a different city working, but I still miss her. When I text her, she now takes days to respond and I feel something may be a bit off. I felt that way since the shady comments started last year, but I'm not sure if I'm overthinking things. I know she doesn't like when her other friends act distant to her, so I can't imagine she doesn't know we're not as close anymore. Should I just ignore it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2022): You're only between 22-25, at least 22; you've got about another 60+ years to make friends, sweetheart!
You're going through your transition from teenager into adulthood; and those you've known growing-up, or in high school, are now attaining their full-grown adult personalities.
When you haven't been exposed much to the world, you'll maintain a certain amount of innocence and naivete. If you live a somewhat sheltered life, you won't change much. Once you first leave home, maybe to attend college away, or join military service, or to travel abroad; you'll get an exposure to the real-world. All the new discoveries and new experiences you encounter along your journey through life is shaping you as a person. Some experiences will rob you of your innocence, and some will make you all the wiser. Others may corrupt you! You may meet people who'll introduce you to a whole different culture or lifestyle; which may be good, or could be bad for you.
If you develop good survival-skills, and mature properly; you'll become a well-rounded individual, and earn some wisdom. You'll discern personalities better, and you'll know who to be around, and whom you should avoid.
Some people will always maintain their hometown down-to-earth personalities throughout their life transitions; but others want to leave their hometown roots behind. They will adopt a new persona; and be more like the people they've met out in the world. Those are the kind of people who are likely to abandon their old friends; and even distance themselves from their own families.
Some folks I've known from years ago have become cliquish; or run with a wild or snooty crowd; so they will no longer feel connected to their true origins or roots. I've even met people who've lied about where they came from; and have created a whole new identity. They were once your ride-or-die pals, or classmates; but once they meet a new circle of friends, they'll act as if they never knew you. Even if you've known each-other since pre-school.
You let them go. You go forward, and make new friends. Some will be friends for a lifetime, and others only for a season. They're just passing through. Others just decide they prefer a totally different category of people types, and no longer identify with those they used to know. They may gain a measure of success, or get indoctrinated into a new click or cult; and they start to distance themselves from everyone who reminds them of the past that they're running from.
The truth is, sooner or later, you will do the same. You may not treat people as your friend has; but you may outgrow, or no longer feel you have things in common with people you've known for a long time. Such is life. Time changes people, and life-experience will also change us. For the better, or for the worse. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not.
A
female
reader, Emma Heart +, writes (22 May 2022):
Emma Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you @honeypie ! I'm very hurt honestly because she had always been incredibly lovely and supportive to me the first 4 years we were friends. I thought she was going to be maid of honour at my wedding etc. She was one of the only friends I felt I could trust. So it came as a shock that she suddenly switched up on me these last two years. I've tried to think of things I might have done, but I can't think of anything.
And that's very true, if she really wanted to come and see me she would have rescheduled. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt because I don't want to seem too intense and because as I said, she was my best friend and I felt I could trust her. And life does get in the way; we are in different stages in life.
She did say we should "meet up when I've finished my final year exams", but honestly I don't believe she will follow up on that as she hasn't made an effort to keep in touch ever since.
And thank you, I've decided I'm just going to branch out anyway. It really hurts because this girl had been my sister for years now, but I'm just going to have to get over this. It hurts because I haven't been given any explanation.
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's situation as well! I hope she's found some better friends for her now.
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A
female
reader, Emma Heart +, writes (22 May 2022):
Emma Heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks @WiseowlE. No, this is really about me. And this is about a different friend, who is my best friend, she has been trustworthy and amazing for years until about a year and a half to 2 years ago. That's why I'm confused.
Yes, the other friend/man-stealer is a jerk and always has been. I met her at uni. But this friend from this question has always been nice up until now. In fact, I used to see her as a sister.
Thanks for all your advice. I'm just actually hurt because I considered this girl my best friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): I believe this is also your post?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/friend-keeps-going-after-the-same-men-as.html
Emma Heart, my dear, you seem to have a big problem choosing friends. Unless this person happens to be the same friend you mentioned in your last post? If you blocked her like you said in your follow-up to your last post; then I guess your friendship has ended, and that's that!
Feel free to post as many posts as you like, but there's no need to make things up, or contrive stories about people you know aren't true. If you really have a problem you need help with, we're here for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 May 2022):
 She is dropping your friendship (for whatever reason) but instead of telling you, she is hoping you will catch the hint. So far you haven't.
Honestly? If she was a good friend and had to cancel coming to visit, she would have rescheduled another time to see you, she didn't, she just made new plans later on and then canceled them the DAY before again. She might have been sick or had a good reason once, but 3 times? Yeah, nah, she didn't want to come to visit.
My guess is that it is smarting a bit that you pointed out her behavior "she started making these shady comments occasionally " - after that, well she could be snarky to your face anymore could she? Not without looking like a total cow! So she was mad over it. Even if she apologized. The girl sounds a little jealous, not like a good friend.
You are up at uni, TAKE advantage of ALL the other people who are up there not knowing anyone! Make new friends. See if there are any clubs you can join, that interest you and meet new people.
My middle daughter went through losing one of her good friends too. The "friend" even stirred up some drama right before my daughter came home after last semester but thankfully my daughter put that on ice. She is a bit upset, but not willing to participate in that kind of high school drama. Some people never leave high school (mentally) and they DO get upset when others seem to do well and grow up.
Stop reaching out. Move on with life, and make new friends. Once she couldn't use you as a punching bag (verbally) she lost interest in the friendship, THAT should tell you something.
Who needs friends like that?!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 May 2022):
 You have both been friends since you were both very young. I know its hard but the reality is things change, life evolves, people change, as do friendships and relationships.
I have close friends whom I was very close with since I was at school, and we all hung out and did stuff all the time, and we all kind of grew up together and i have some fantastic memories But as we all grew up the contact we all had become less as our lives changed and we went of fin our separate ways, and i am totally fine with that. We still keep in contact on occasions which is nice.
You say that you invited her up to uni 3 times and she has bailed each of these times. Have you ever offered to go down and see her?.
My advice would be not to dwell on this too much, she is getting on with her life, and I think that you should do the same. Maybe refrain from contacting for a while and see if she gets in contact with you.
Not saying you should just ignor it, just maybe don't be so sensitive about it and accept that we are all only human, life changes, people come in and out of our lives, with each time teaching us different life lessons. We can't change people, we can't make people be in our lives, or get them to contact us more, we just have to be accepting of life just how it is, and live for the moment, we have no control over what happens tomorrow.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 May 2022):
 You two are leading very different lives at present. Sometimes friends drift apart for no other reason than that. Given your age, you were friends from a very young age. You started your friendship as children but you are both adults now. You are both very different people to the time you first became friends. Sometimes friendships just run their course as people want different things from life.
Do you ever offer to come and visit her, or do you expect her to do the visiting every time? If the latter, perhaps she feels she is having to put more effort (not to mention money) into keeping in touch? I appreciate she possibly has more money than you but she is having to earn that.
Have you not made new friends at uni?
In your shoes, if you feel this relationship has become one sided, I would simply try to minimize contact and concentrate on studying and your life at uni. If she values your friendship at all, she will eventually reach out to you. If she doesn't, then you know you need to move on.
I'm sorry, with friendships, as with all relationships, it takes two and there are no guarantees.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): Your friendship has run its course. It doesn't matter why, who's right and who's wrong. Just move on. If you were the last one who called or texted, I'd leave it at that.
And btw, never ever tollerate someone who's behavior is bad for you (comments, ignoring, canceling...), even if they apologise. Once, fine, but if it becomes a pattern, just leave them.
I know what I am talking about from decade-long experience. Maybe she's treating other people better. Good for them. They can hang out with her. She just doesn't think you're worth it because you go along with whatever crap she serves you.
I had a friend who had a clear "class ladder" in her head when it came to people. Depending how high you were on that ladder, she would treat you either well or badly. And weirdly enough there were some people who continued to accept her abuse after 30 years! It was THEIR problem, not hers. She just did what every other narcissist would. You need to stand up for yourself. What you have with her now is not friendship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): I think she feels superior to you because she is working and you are not and have not so far. As if she is a grown woman and you are still a teenager, a youngster. She felt she could take advantage of this by talking down to you (even if those comments upset you) and you asked her not to. So what has she got left? She can meet up with other people who are working or nearer to her so why would she come to see you instead?
Some would say she has outgrown you, I would say she now has more options which she feels are better. As for arranging to see you three times and then calling it off the day before,
to me that means you were plan b all along, when something more convenient or more fun comes up she cancels at the lastminute. It's selfish and not nice but lots of people do it.
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