A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Advice desperately needed please!!I used to work with a lovely guy for several years we always got on well, we had some chemistry (nothing sexual just banter) he was seeing someone, I was single and I had a huge crush on him and my colleagues at work would say how it was obvious we both liked each other. He was also a bit older than me. He left the business in 2019 (he went abroad) and that was the last time I saw him but I still would however often think of him. Last year my mum started seeing someone. (She divorced my dad when I was a teenager). She didn’t say much about the guy as she was a bit self conscious as he was younger than her, but we were introduce a few months ago and it was him, my old colleague! It was a shock to everyone as my mum didn’t know he used to be my colleague (she never knew I had a crush on him) and he didn’t know she was my mum.Now this is completely awkward for me as I still really like him, despite not seeing him for so long.My mum keeps wanting us all to hang out and we have done frequently but my feelings for him just keeps getting stronger! Obviously I will NEVER act on it but the more we hang out the more I see what a lovely man he is. I’ve started to distance myself from them - making excuses as why I can’t hang out as it’s really quite painful for me and stupid I guess. Last weekend we had a wedding to go too- something I couldn’t avoid. We were all sat at the same table and my name placement was next to his, so we were sat next to each other and spent practically the whole day chatting as my mum was up and about socializing with her relatives that she hasn’t seen in ages. We had that same chemistry that we had all those years ago. One of my aunts that I haven’t seen in years saw us (mums boyfriend and I) sat at the bar having a drink and assumed we were a couple! She just started saying how happy she was that I found someone so handsome and he was lucky to have me and we make a beautiful couple etc…. We both blushed and I corrected her which she then apologized.I’m not going to lie- that felt nice, that brief moment when she said those things about us felt nice. If I’m not mistaken I got the vibe he felt it too. There have been instances whereby I’ve noticed him glancing in my direction, or a lingering look or an excuse to talk to me. You probably will say it’s all in my head but when we worked together it was similar. I’m happy my mum is happy but I’m upset too as I knew him and liked him first- albeit in completely different circumstances whereby nothing could happen. Please don’t advise for me to start dating. I have been on dates, I’ve signed up to dating apps, friends have introduced me to guys but nothing has ever come of them -I’m hoping I’ll find someone so I can just move on. I’m hoping whatever feelings I have for him will just fade over time. I’m also struggling to find excuses to avoid hanging out with them as I don’t want to make it obvious. Has anyone been in this position?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 May 2022):
 Oh sweetheart, that must be so difficult for you. However, you know you can't do anything about acting on your feelings, otherwise that will drive a wedge between you and your mother, even assuming your colleague wasn't horrified at the thought of having a relationship with his girlfriend's daughter.
Relationships are so often all about timing. A friend once said to me that she believed we end up with the person who is there when we are ready to settle down, as long as they are right for us. If we meet them at the wrong time, regardless of how right they may appear, they are not for us. When you and your colleague worked together, the timing was wrong as he was in a relationship. It is, obviously, completely wrong now because he is in a relationship again - with your mum.
I'm sure he is a lovely man but there are other lovely men out there and they are not dating your mum.
Despite never dating this guy, you need to treat this in the same way you would a painful break-up. Keep busy and keep away as much as possible.
I'm sorry, this really is a horrible situation in which you have found yourself. Stay strong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): I'd gracefully back out of the picture, and make excuses not to hang-out with your mother and her boyfriend. It really doesn't matter if you've known him in the past; he's still somebody-else's guy! It's human nature to covet something, or someone, belonging to another person; but we have to exercise our self-control, exert some moral-decency, and observe/respect the boundaries.
You should confess to your mother you once knew the guy, because he is a former co-worker; rather than making eyes at each-other behind her back. It would be devastating to her that she should discover this through him; but you didn't take it upon yourself (as her daughter) to say so. After all, she is your mother! Not just a friend, or a casual-acquaintance.
If your feelings are so uncontrollable you'd disrespect your own mother's romantic-connection with a man; then you have to come clean with your mother before you do something that will strain or ruin your mother-daughter relationship. Then for unforeseen reasons, this guy up decides to move on! Leaving your relationship with your mother decimated, strained, and estranged. Which could last for years. He's long-gone, and ends-up marrying yet somebody else altogether! While you two aren't speaking to each-other, over some man!!!
He was merely a crush, but he decided to date your mother; leading her to believe he cares for her. If he's deceiving her, that speaks volumes about his character. Now he sees a shinier object sparkling in the distance, and the jewel he has isn't quite as precious as before? If you would pursue the man your mother is currently dating, and may have strong feelings for; that would speak volumes about your character as well. The sweetest fruit on the tree is always easy to see, but out of reach! Is it true the fruit is really sweeter, or just the perception evoked by desire and entitlement???
Does this all come across as judgy? That's usually what people will say when they hear the blunt truth and don't like it. If you have a moral compass, you will see my advice only for what it is. You shouldn't cross the line; and you should stop making eyes and subtle-flirtations at your mother's boyfriend. You almost imply she doesn't deserve him, because she's older; which would only be rationalizing, and making an excuse to go after him...while he's still dating her. Disregarding her feelings, as if they don't even matter.
He was a casual flirtation, a crush, from the past; but he is presently seeing your own mother. Her feelings should account for something. Have a conscience, let love for your mother overrule your lusts, and respect the boundaries for now.
What happens long after they separate as a couple, is a different story. If you're the reason they separate; what you sow, so shall you reap! What's right is right, and what's wrong is wrong.
Things we covet and take through deception, or theft, are ill-gotten gains. The joy will only last until somebody comes along and snatches your precious plunder out of your hands! If it goes sour, that's restitution and divine justice owed to the victim of the offense. Your mother didn't steal him or seduce him from you. He met her by some odd coincidence. Supposedly, he likes her; if he is still dating her. Her age is irrelevant. You won't (and shouldn't) trust him; if he's flirting with you, while still dating her anyway.
If it was my mother, I'd be abhorred and disgusted! Knowing the man she's dating is flirting with other women right-up under her nose. Especially, with her daughter!!!
I think your love for your mother should be the greatest and most significant factor that keeps you at the proper distance. In spite of some "crush!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): I haven't been in this situation. But the fact is... emotions do not come out of nowhere. They do not stay strong "just because". We are the ones that feed them. How do we feed them? By thinking about a person. By replaying some details in our heads. Thoughts can pop up from time to time. We shouldn't dig further. We shouldn't write or talk about it. This is what feeds emotions.
You are currently alone. That is why you have all the time in the world to think about this. You need to get out there and stop feeding this thing.
This is not about him and "his glances " and your aunt thinking that you are an intem. It is about you. You need to decide to STOP. Okay? It doesn't matter if he's really watching you or if it's all in your head. The result is the same.
You have come here to RELIVE those moments. Don't do that. Forbid yourself from doing that. Emotions ARE NOT above our control. You can still think that he's a great guy without feeling the way you feel. In hat sense you are making this whole thing up.
1. He was with someone when you worked together.
2. He is with someone now.
If he had been really interested in you, something would have happened long before he had met your mother.
That's the truth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 May 2022):
 That sounds painful, OP
I'm glad you realize that YOU missed "that boat" a long time ago. He is with your mom. That is who he chose to date.
I would avoid spending time with the two of them as much as possible, at least until this "crush" dies down. Spend time with your mom alone, if possible.
Having met him first, seen him first, is irrelevant. Neither you nor he acted on it back then. He and your mom did NOW. It's been 3 years, of course, he moved on with his life and so should you.
As for excuses to not hang out with them? I'd suggest to your mom that you would love to spend time with, but that you don't want to intrude on them but that you would like to spend time with JUST her here and there.
He is now OFF LIMITS to you. Even if they break up. Because that would be weird to date "Mom's ex-BF".
If you are not ready to date, then spend time with friends, hobbies, work, etc. Eventually, you will meet someone else who will spark an interest.
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