A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner's ex girlfriend killed herself 6 weeks ago, he took his pain + grief out on me. We have been together 6 years + 3 children. I don't see a way back. He is sleeping on the sofa since. Is it time to walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2017): We receive many posts from girlfriends and wives who appeal to the aunts and uncles on what to do about partners and spouses who display emotions regarding their exes. Often, the reactions to these emotions over people in your partner's past are feelings of anger, offense, and jealousy.
I empathize with you to some degree. In fact, sometimes we might all feel through our jealousy that if they were truly over these people; they shouldn't feel anything. No matter what happened to them. Not if they are compassionate people.
We don't all react to grief in the same way. You may be indifferent to your exes; it does not follow that he should be. Maybe you had some really terrible men in your past.
Until you go through the same experience, don't be too quick to decide or judge how people should grieve the passing of someone they have known well. Especially someone they used to love intimately and share a history.
How has he taken it out on you? Be honest, don't exaggerate or embellish your story to draw sympathy, or build your case. Be truthful. He doesn't get to tell his side. The worse the story, the more likely you should have left him long before all this came about. He didn't suddenly turn into a monster; because some old girlfriend killed herself. He was always a monster, and you wouldn't leave him.
Taking into account that the death of his ex was a tragedy; I can understand how this would draw some very strong grief and emotion. If your concerns are not for his pain, but more concern about how you think he shouldn't react for your sake? I think he would want you to step-back. Your apathy and indifference would be in conflict with his grief. He would resent your jealousy; because in this case, it would be inappropriate. My suspicion is you're sensitive to the fact he can grieve over another woman. She's dead. She is no threat to you.
If you ever loved someone, even if you are no longer "in-love" with that person; you can still feel painful grief for their death and misfortune. There is no rule that requires you to hate your exes, and rejoice at their suffering or demise. No one with human decency could be so cold and evil.
If he has been abusive, violent, or has displayed behavior that would frighten small children; he should be asked to go stay with a member of his family while he dealt with his grief. If the children are 12 or older, they are old enough to understand grief and the pain of loss. If he is not affecting the children; then his behavior isn't more than you can handle. How are your reacting to his grief? Upset because you don't want him to express any kind of feelings for some other woman? Even if she died? It was a tragedy!!!
Just understand, sometimes people don't want your comfort and fussing over them while they are in shock. Their emotional-reactions and psychological-state during this phase of their grief doesn't make sense. People in shock and grief are not in complete control of their mental-faculties and emotional-responses. You might suggest he see his doctor. He may require a mild sedative.
That does not excuse abusive or violent behavior. However; if they are abusive people, this isn't behavior attributed to grief. Then you should have kicked him out of the house long ago. If you accept his bad behavior any other time, don't get bent out of shape now; particularly because he's hard to deal with during his period of bereavement for an ex.
This is something you, anyone reading this, and myself have to always bear in-mind. Anyone who can love us deeply, has the capacity to have loved someone else before they ever met us.
Even if that previous relationship ended on bad-terms; it does not mean that all the feelings died. They may become dormant, and they can also erode into total resentment for their exes; but grief sometimes will remove all negative feelings and replace it with sorrow. Regret and guilt that you had to part on bad-terms; never apologizing for how we may have wronged them. Guilt for unsaid words of love, and any awful things said we will never be able to take back. Immense sorrow for the bad deeds and transgressions against these people, we can never make up for. He may feel at fault to some degree.
Give him space, and at some point he will come around. He will apologize for his behavior. He will seek your comfort.
If not, then you will have to evaluate your relationship and decide whether is can continue.
If he was always abusive, mean, and this is just another episode of his aggressive-behavior; then now is the time to decide whether he should remain your partner. You'll always have some measure of insecurity for raising a family with a man who won't even commit to marriage; and give you and his own children, his name and their birthright.
Six years is plenty of time to decide if this woman having my children is also worthy of being my wife. If you can accept being his woman on his terms thus far; then this is just business as usual.
Something tells me that this isn't just about his reaction to the death of an ex. You've been holding on to a man you've never trusted; and who hasn't been worth all the waiting and all you've done to try and keep him in your life.
On thing that is certain. Good men are not cruel to the people they love, not even when they are experiencing grief and loss. When you truly love someone, your mind is ever cognizant of the feelings of those whom you love, and who love you. You catch yourself, and you immediately comeback and straighten things out. You'd expect this if that was the kind of man he usually is.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (3 December 2017):
 I'm not sure that I can add any better advice than what has been given but I will throw my 2 cents worth in as well. Everyone grieves in their own way as has been stated. Some people get angry, some get distant, some cry all the time, some people act like nothing has happened and try to carry on like all is normal, and some just go off the deep end and turn to drugs, sex, booze anything that they think will help them pass the time and keep their mind occupied so they don't have to think about what has happened.
Its possible that your boyfriend does feel guilty because the relationship ended and there were unresolved feelings? Maybe he didn't get to things he wanted to say, or perhaps said things that he regrets. Only he knows. You don't mention how long they were together, if they had children, ect.
My very first boyfriend when I was 18 killed himself 3 years ago. I had not seen him in over 30 years and yet it made me incredibly sad for days thinking that he chose to end his life that way. It just is sad when you think that someone you once knew and loved chose to end their life.
Again, as others have pointed out, you don't give enough details about what exactly has happened and is happening between the two of you. "taking his grief out on me" can mean so many things! Is he mean to you? ignoring you? blaming you? Hitting you?? WHAT???
Under no circumstances is physical abuse acceptable. If he is just crabby or snappy or cold, you can certainly try to understand and give him a little space. If he is abusive I don't care how he is hurting, he has no right to hurt you or make you feel scared or threatened. I dont know how to counsel you because there is so little to go on. If he is being physically abusive in any way, get out. GET OUT NOW. This isn't even something that you should have to think about. Protect you, protect the children.
My ex husband's father died unexpectedly of a heart attack. My husband took it very badly because he had been very close with his father. I could see him struggling but he refused to talk about, refused to get help. He never went to a psychiatrist or went for any kind of counselling but the entire family agrees that he had a nervous breakdown. I begged him to get help but he refused. He began drinking and eventually become a very abusive (mentally) alcoholic. It led to the end of our marriage. He never could come to terms that his father died and he refused to seek out help.
If your partner isn't being physically abusive, give him a little space. Try to be understanding and sympathetic if you can. Pick a time when he is calm and ask him if he thinks he should see someone. Its alright to ask for him. Death is a terrible thing to go through. Some of us just can't cope as well.
I wish you all the best sweetie. Weigh your options carefully and above all, put the children's safety and welfare above all else. Take care of you so that you can take care of them.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (2 December 2017):
He took his grief out on you? What the hell does that mean? Did he yell at you? Did he push you away and tell you he didn’t want to talk about it? Did he hit you? If it’s the latter then yea the relationship might be over, no it should be over. If it was the other two I have to wonder why you’re so ready to end the relationship.
If you decide to continue together the two of you might want to explore with a qualified counselor why the suicide of an ex would bring him to the point that he would wreck his relationship with the mother of his three children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): You should cut him some slack...to a point. I don't agree that is okay for you to bear the brunt of his reaction. While we all experience emotions/grief differently,it is never okay to be abusive in any manner. If his grief is so out of control, he needs professional help and not for you to be his personal punching bag.
Having said that, it's imperative for you to make a decision while your emotions aren't running high. There are no details so it is hard to tell if his reaction is a departure from what he normally is like.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2017):
 I agree with Auntie Cindy.
It all depends on what you mean and what he did.
There are without a doubt some components of guilt as to why he is behaving the way he is, but that doesn't EXCUSE abusive behavior. And I presume YOU didn't push her to this demise either, so taking it out on you is just plain wrong.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 December 2017):
 If it was physical, absolutely leave. If it was moodiness, anger, snappiness and such, I'd let it go for now. Let him grieve and give him space.
If it hasn't improved in a few weeks, then you need to calmly stress that you appreciate him grieving, but that he can't take it out on you any more.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 December 2017):
 I'd say it depends on what you mean exactly by " he took his pain and grief out on me ". If it means that he has been bad-tempered, difficult , ornery... or even verbally aggressive - I agree with the other posters; he gets a " pass " for that, seeing that it's a special situation. Give him space for a while .
If you mean he has been physically abusive, that he has done anything even resembling physical violence ... then my personal, and very firm, opinion, is : it IS time to walk away. No matter how many years and how many kids together.
Physical abuse is the ultimate deal breaker, there's never a justification for it. An explanation, yes; a justification, no- no matter who 's dead, or how bad was the trauma.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (2 December 2017):
Grief takes on many different forms...each of us handles loss differently. It is often difficult and frequently impossible for us to understand how another grieves.
Whether or not it is valid, he is likely feeling some responsibility for her death, which is something he probably wouldn't want you to know. That's a very big responsibility to shoulder! There aren't many more painful emotions than that! His grief would be much different had she died of a disease or accident.
Did you and your partner ever discuss her being a bad person or otherwise talk about her negatively? Maybe he is feeling guilty about this and is now annoyed with you for agreeing with such assessments.
In any case, he deserves respect for continuing to care for her welfare even though their relationship had ended. I'd worry about him if he was acting nonchalant about it. That said, going on like this for six weeks is a little long.
I suggest sympathizing with him...let him know that you understand him feeling depressed but that you miss him and want him back in your life. This is not a time to deal with the situation in a confrontational manner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): Just let him grieve and give him some slack for a bit. When my husbands father died he acted up and was verbally nasty at me (not all the time) for months. It’s not the greatest or most mature response, but we are only human and he was very upset about his dad. I can think of times when I lashed out at him because I was angry about something unrelated to him. If he continues being super immature and you can’t get him to see that after he has had time to get over the worst of it, couples therapy is an option.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 December 2017):
 You need to give him time and space. I don't think walking way when you have three children is a great idea. I'm sorry you are getting the rough end of this. It isn't fair but it is part of the burden you accept when you commit to one person. You go through it with them, through thick or thin.
What may be troubling you is why after six years with you is he so broken up about the death of an ex'? You may feel that you should be the centre of his life and that he has left the rest behind. That is a discussion to have later when relations have become more normal.
It isn't your fault she died (I hope) so no blame is attached to you. Just let him go to his man cave until he is ready to come out.
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